Homecoming

In less than 4 days my girlies will be home. In about 78 hours my heart will be at peace, in that quick moment when I feel their presence and inhale their smell...Ah, my world will stop spinning. It has been over 2 weeks since I have had any contact. I keep telling myself they are OK, but I don't know. He says he would let them call if they asked...but did he? Was Abigail too scared to ask? There are so many times she has come home from being gone a weekend and told me she cried or that Mia cried and they wouldn't let them call. I don't understand his heart. I tell myself he does the best he knows how. But when he rips my children from their home for a month and puts them in daycare or hires a babysitter, I wonder. If he really wanted to spend time and work on their relationship you'd think he would, um, actually spend time with them?! It is the thorn in my side. But in four days, they will be back in my arms and I can love on them all day, every day. I am so excited, thrilled, ecstatic!!! :-D

In the meantime I have kept busy. I've been working on school and the house is feeling (smelling) more like home now that I have eucalyptus in the living room! It has been really nice to spend this time with Ryan just getting to know each other. We spent time with his family and went to hear Les & Leslie Parrot speak at Thrive. It was so nice to feel the difference in a marriage where both people are invested. We finished the fence and have grass the back yard. I put up a few boards so I get to say I helped. Then I went to Galveston with my gals and learned I do actually burn in the sun. It was so nice to lie on the sand, listening to the waves and just breathe. To be there with other women who also enjoy the freedom to not talk, or do anything was exactly what I needed. I would say it made me miss my kids but actually I was relieved they were not there and I wasn't stressing about them going out too far or getting stung by a jellyfish. So as much as I have missed Abigail and Amelia, this has been a different kind of bliss. The kind you enjoy for a moment and then thank God with every cell in your body for the lessons you learned and that you have the privilege to go back to your real life. My heart is renewed, my soul anticipates the joy of hearing my children argue and cry. The stress of being a Mom will wrap around my body like a warm comforter and I will breath deeply because my heart is home.

words

I don't know what else to call this post.

I fear it will be a bunch of meaningless words, a feeble attempt to express my thoughts that will pale in comparison to the rush of emotion I am feeling.

My children are visiting their Dad. The silence is excruciating. Upon returning from our honeymoon I walked thru the house and shut the doors to their rooms because to look at their empty rooms hurts. There is a load of their laundry I wish I hadn't washed, that I cannot bring myself to fold and put away. As I walked Maelei I caught glimpse of Abigail's shoes by the back door and the moment of panic was almost too much. To see her shoes there, and to not know where she was caused my heart to stop and my knees to tremble. All the air escaped my chest. I know it sounds silly but for a moment...my world was crumbling. Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself she is fine. She is alive and coming home. It is ok.

This panic probably had something to do with the fact that their Aunt let them call me and while hearing their voices was bliss, it was also hell. Especially when they started fighting over the phone and they ended up bawling. It was all I could do not to collapse there in the middle of the sidewalk. To hear my children crying and know that I could not go to the was by far the most incredible pain I have ever experienced. To hear that their Dad had taken them to daycare and that Mia had cried, broke my heart. I felt her panic and confusion, wondering why they had left her with these strangers in this strange place. As I type this I am flooding the keyboard.

I was awake until nearly 4 am this morning...I couldn't sleep. I couldn't walk into their rooms and feel their chests, or kiss their heads.

The panic I feel being away from them is indescribable. I read these blogs of those who have lost children. It is my only comfort. In 3 weeks I will get my girls back. I will have the chance to hold them tighter, love them more, hear their laughter and see them run.

I can't focus. Taking 3 classes to distract myself was a really bad choice. But I am doing my best. Thank goodness for headphones and itunes and Ryan.

I know they are loved. I know they are fine. But still my heart cannot rest until they are home.

Please pray for us.