words

I don't know what else to call this post.

I fear it will be a bunch of meaningless words, a feeble attempt to express my thoughts that will pale in comparison to the rush of emotion I am feeling.

My children are visiting their Dad. The silence is excruciating. Upon returning from our honeymoon I walked thru the house and shut the doors to their rooms because to look at their empty rooms hurts. There is a load of their laundry I wish I hadn't washed, that I cannot bring myself to fold and put away. As I walked Maelei I caught glimpse of Abigail's shoes by the back door and the moment of panic was almost too much. To see her shoes there, and to not know where she was caused my heart to stop and my knees to tremble. All the air escaped my chest. I know it sounds silly but for a moment...my world was crumbling. Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself she is fine. She is alive and coming home. It is ok.

This panic probably had something to do with the fact that their Aunt let them call me and while hearing their voices was bliss, it was also hell. Especially when they started fighting over the phone and they ended up bawling. It was all I could do not to collapse there in the middle of the sidewalk. To hear my children crying and know that I could not go to the was by far the most incredible pain I have ever experienced. To hear that their Dad had taken them to daycare and that Mia had cried, broke my heart. I felt her panic and confusion, wondering why they had left her with these strangers in this strange place. As I type this I am flooding the keyboard.

I was awake until nearly 4 am this morning...I couldn't sleep. I couldn't walk into their rooms and feel their chests, or kiss their heads.

The panic I feel being away from them is indescribable. I read these blogs of those who have lost children. It is my only comfort. In 3 weeks I will get my girls back. I will have the chance to hold them tighter, love them more, hear their laughter and see them run.

I can't focus. Taking 3 classes to distract myself was a really bad choice. But I am doing my best. Thank goodness for headphones and itunes and Ryan.

I know they are loved. I know they are fine. But still my heart cannot rest until they are home.

Please pray for us.