No startling revelations or mind blowing experiences to report. Just my simply unique, boring chaotic life. Full of contradictions as usual :-P
Abigail and Amelia are growing much too quickly, I've come to see Amelia as the toddler she is quickly turning into and have begun to squeeze every drop of *baby* from her. I can't hold her long enough or tight enough. I find myself overwhelmingly sad thinking if Amelia is this big then Abigail is grown. She is too big to hold, really the closest I can get is sitting next to her on the couch. We are talking waves of tears sad! Yet I am bursting with pride at how smart, beautiful, wise and healthy she is. They are both utterly amazing and fantastic children and I am so blessed to call them mine.
School is going, but I wouldn't say well. I am struggling to get a passing grade. I can't bear to sacrifice being an active part of my childrens childhood, to study something I have no interest in. I can't imagine a good enough reason to give up this priceless time or the opportunity to do something I naturally do well, for the chance that I could train myself to do something the *world* deems more worthy. There is nothing more worthy of my time, love and devotion than my children. I lack the ambition to conquer the world or be famous. I simply desire to raise strong, happy and wise children. Children with morals and compassion who believe in honesty and love. To me there is not greater accomplishment. Why am I constantly striving for mans approval* ? God placed this desire on my heart why do I keep ignoring it and searching for something to make me worthwhile and respected by man. The only approval I need is from the one who created me. The one who placed the desire in my heart and who gave me the skills needed to fulfill this purpose. These people did not give me life, they have not loved me unconditionally...so why do I care if I make them happy? It is in my nature to give up myself, my hopes and dreams to please others and I do not think that is the life I was intended to have.
Does this mean I am quitting or giving up? No. I believe I must set an example for my girls. I have to show them that sometimes it is not simple or pleasant but if you are given a task you complete it. And you do it to the best of your ability, but not at the expense of your dreams. And very challenging task.
I struggle daily to find my way but I have one constant in my life. If I remember to look up, if I take the time to feel it, there is peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding. And that is how, despite all the pieces of sky falling, I still stand. That is why, even though the waves threaten to knock me down, I will not give up. I face each and everyday with a new appreciation of yesterday and the anticipation of tomorrow. I have Peace and Hope and Love and Joy, So my bank accounts may be empty, my house may be messy and my children might misbehave... I am wealthy beyond measure.
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