" I can do it, I know it will be hard, but I'm a smart girl, and I'm determined to stand on my own. I don't need a boy, I want to buy my own house, and I have to be able to make money so I'm gonna do it. I can do it!"
What the freak was I thinkin! Who slipped stupid pills in my morning coffee?! And now that the 12th day of class is coming to an end and I don't even know how to drop or switch classes, failure is looming on the horizon.
I am in a mood, can you tell? I've had this whole week off, and the more I think I'm getting it together, the further behind I am. Crawling into a hole isn't going to help, my struggle is not with time management... my struggle is because I have to flippin clue what to do, how to do it and where to begin doing it in the first place!!! I need to GO to school! I need a teacher. I am not a homeschool prodigy who can follow simple instructions. I need detailed, step by step instructions. I suddenly feel retarded. I don't know how to do this and the more I try to get it under control the more out of control I feel. I am turning into devil Mom...as opposed to sucky mom. I can't do it. I can't very well give up, but I am failing in the worst way. I don't even know how to ask for help.
I'll pull it together, but for now I am sad beyond tears. I can't get my head above water, I thought I was caught up only to realize that I missed 2 weeks worth of assignments in my writing class due to my own simple lack of computer knowledge. I couldn't figure out the online classroom and so I didn't see the assignments.
I know it will be okay...I just don't know when. My idea of okay is not having pressing deadlines,a nd disappointing people. I forgot dinner with a friend last night and I have yelled at my kids today. Never a good sign.
Question to myself today is...who am I trying to please? My heart, my home is with my kids. I have never had the desire to make $90k a year and miss my true calling. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to play with my girls and witness their self discovery and accomplishments. I have given that up. I was silly to think that people would respect me or be proud of me for going to school. Once again, by attempting to please everyone, I have gotten so far off track I don't even recognize myself. I know what I want I know how to best accomplish it. But in a moment of doubt, in my pit of fear and because of my addiction to mans approval I have once again failed my soul.
Time to put on my big girl panties...I have class. I will come home to kiss my sweet girls. I will complete my *mom *chores, I will check my email (feed my addiction). I will take a shower and go to bed, hopeful for tomorrow.
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