*#@% Foolish Ambition

" I can do it, I know it will be hard, but I'm a smart girl, and I'm determined to stand on my own. I don't need a boy, I want to buy my own house, and I have to be able to make money so I'm gonna do it. I can do it!"

What the freak was I thinkin! Who slipped stupid pills in my morning coffee?! And now that the 12th day of class is coming to an end and I don't even know how to drop or switch classes, failure is looming on the horizon.

I am in a mood, can you tell? I've had this whole week off, and the more I think I'm getting it together, the further behind I am. Crawling into a hole isn't going to help, my struggle is not with time management... my struggle is because I have to flippin clue what to do, how to do it and where to begin doing it in the first place!!! I need to GO to school! I need a teacher. I am not a homeschool prodigy who can follow simple instructions. I need detailed, step by step instructions. I suddenly feel retarded. I don't know how to do this and the more I try to get it under control the more out of control I feel. I am turning into devil Mom...as opposed to sucky mom. I can't do it. I can't very well give up, but I am failing in the worst way. I don't even know how to ask for help.

I'll pull it together, but for now I am sad beyond tears. I can't get my head above water, I thought I was caught up only to realize that I missed 2 weeks worth of assignments in my writing class due to my own simple lack of computer knowledge. I couldn't figure out the online classroom and so I didn't see the assignments.

I know it will be okay...I just don't know when. My idea of okay is not having pressing deadlines,a nd disappointing people. I forgot dinner with a friend last night and I have yelled at my kids today. Never a good sign.

Question to myself today is...who am I trying to please? My heart, my home is with my kids. I have never had the desire to make $90k a year and miss my true calling. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to play with my girls and witness their self discovery and accomplishments. I have given that up. I was silly to think that people would respect me or be proud of me for going to school. Once again, by attempting to please everyone, I have gotten so far off track I don't even recognize myself. I know what I want I know how to best accomplish it. But in a moment of doubt, in my pit of fear and because of my addiction to mans approval I have once again failed my soul.

Time to put on my big girl panties...I have class. I will come home to kiss my sweet girls. I will complete my *mom *chores, I will check my email (feed my addiction). I will take a shower and go to bed, hopeful for tomorrow.

Request

I don't want to talk to any of you, I can't.

I know it could be worse.

I know it will work out...and this will somehow fulfill his plan for my life.

I know I deserve better.

I know I did exactly what I needed to do.

But it still hurts like hell.

No, I don't know what it feels like to lose a child. I don't know what it is like to have cancer. I don't know what death feels like. I didn't lose and arm or a leg. I don't have a spouse going to Iraq...but this is slowly killing me. To love someone and have them walk away the first time was bad enough...and to have to go thru it again is absolute torture.

God you want me, you have me. Miserable mess that I am. They only see me as incomplete and negative. You say I am complete in you...so how come I feel empty?

I am angry. I allowed outside influences to determine the path I followed. I love you guys...but I will never do anything right enough for you. The only way to please any of you is to be miserable. So you should all be ecstatic right now.

God you wanted me to be broken. I am ruined. Please transform me into your creation. Something beautiful. Something priceless. Help me to find joy in myself. Help me find fulfillment in myself. If the point of having a man is to learn to depend on them and love them with all that you have only to be abandoned...I'm out.