If you had asked me 7 years ago how I felt about this...I would have probably had a panic attack and masked those symptoms by planning all the things; from traveling to knocking out home improvements projects or an awful combination of both. Oh, and doing school cause that is what I was doing in my "spare" time back then.
But now...I am willing myself to do absolutely nothing. Well, my version of nothing which includes reading books, learning to meditate (yes learn...because I have to deprogram myself from the aforementioned methods of survival.) and writing.
I am a walking contradiction.
A few of the things the universe is bringing to my attention are...
The multiple masks/filters I employ daily. Others have loved me well enough to call attention to them but only I can remove them. I think I started wearing masks about the time of the divorce. I have always had them but after B left...I did whatever I could to survive. I told myself this was the chance to start over, To figure out who I am. Truth is...when I was married to Brent was when I first found myself and dared to take off one or two. I found a man I freaking adored (but had no clue how to love) and who I believed loved me in return. I felt strong and confident...because I was feeding off of him and his complete acceptance of me. He was the first person to see me without the filters of christianity. Time brings with it understanding, like why he left and why I was so very destroyed. It was when I was so determined to "find myself" that I began obsessively collecting masks to cover the hideous mess I believed I was.
During this time I questioned everything. I read all the books. Tried to change who I was.
In doing so, I realize that as long as we are reading books someone else wrote, following someone else's plan or patterning our lives after a particular set of rules or religion...we are not being who we were created to be.
We can take suggestions or follow their journey but unless we are allowing ourselves to make the journey on our own, are we really living?
What this means is books will speak to us...but not "fix" us. Because they only "fixed" the person who wrote them. Writing those words in that order may have an impact and direct us or our path, but they are not our words. It's like the seasoning, the brushstrokes or the threads, but as a whole we are all different and we cannot be the same or have the same experiences.
The thoughts are still a jumbled mess in my head but for today getting something out was as essential to me as breathing. None of this is a profound realization or cure, but a moment in which I took off a mask and let the world see me.
For those of you like me, who are having trouble with finding yourself, your center or purpose...I highly recommend The Happiness Project as a light read. It has spoken to me in a phenomenal way. Also today I am ordering a Panda Planner because I think it will speak to me.
*** I'm guessing this was written over a year ago. Since that was the summer I had time alone. But today felt like a good day to share it with the world.
*** I'm guessing this was written over a year ago. Since that was the summer I had time alone. But today felt like a good day to share it with the world.
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