Abigail~when you were a not-so-tiny, tiny babe among the nicknames that rolled out of my mouth was Babushka. I do not know where it came from but someone said they thought it meant "grandma". I stopped calling you that but in my mind it was fitting because you have an old soul, full to the top of wisdom. Your intricate mind, aware and
interested in all the little things. Your heart, becoming so brave and fierce…
I could not be more proud of you.
Amelia- you exude a joy that sometimes I
cannot even comprehend. You teach me every day how bright the sun can shine and
how much a heart can love, that no matter what, it is going to be ok. You
frighten me in the best possible way living a life that is overflowing.
Axel
Jude…What do I say about you. You and your wicked little smile destroyed me.
Your laughter and your naughtiness…you wrecked me. Like your sisters, your
intelligence baffles me. How I had smart, creative kids, I will never
understand. Your stooopidsmart brain…reasons and questions so well. I will
never stop pushing you because you push back and for this I am abundantly
filled with thanks.
Archer, Oh, Archer Tayto… you my wild child are the gold in
the cracks. You have broken our hearts wide open, picked up the pieces and put
us all back together. You do not just wreck me, you wreck us all. You are
determined to do this life your own way, much like your siblings; but also not
to be outdone…you kick it all up 90 notches and we are just along for the ride.
All the things I
could say about each of you and you’ve made my life so much more. How each one of you are SO loved and wanted, that I am so
honored to be in the audience as you live out your dreams. I pray I have given
you solid roots so that you can grow, reaching for the sky in any direction you
choose and never give way to the winds that try you unearth you. I pray so much
for each of you…but more than my prayers I hope you feel seen and known, and
that you know how rich and abundant you have made my life just by being the
life-sucking, annoying, pains in my everywhere that you are. You are my reasons
for living, my purest passions and wildest hopes.
Aside from my own little parasites; 33 kids over 21 years; 25
families that have become an extension of ours…I am overwhelmed.
A year ago I wrote of the changes coming. It was a bit
longer process than I imagined…but sometimes fear makes it hard to take the
leap of faith. Sometimes circumstances push you so far out of your comfort zone
you don’t know how you will ever make it back to “okay”, and yet somehow in the
end you see how perfectly timed it all was.
Instead of debilitating fear, I feel an excited rush of hope.
Stronger now, I push aside the feelings of fear and guilt and think of how each
of these kids has gone from my house, bigger and wiser and tell myself, I can
do that too. I ca leave these walls and live a more abundant life. We have grown alongside each other but my kids need me to be
able to just be their mom and I found a path that will allow me to do this
better…I hope.
It’s not a single, short path. It’s a bright path with lots
of options and that can also be intimidating…but in a good way. I’ve got a lot
of life yet to live.
I tell myself if it goes this one way and I end up there,
how awesome that could be. But if not, that it’s also awesome and ok. It is ok
to try something and realize it’s not what brings you joy. It is ok to change
your path…it doesn’t make you a failure. What if we approached the failures with a mindset of, “it wasn’t in my plan...but what if it's even better?".
What if we taught our kids to view life this way? Free? Life
is calling and I can’t fully explain my heart but maybe I’ve given one person
something to think about. If so, that’s good enough for me.
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