As I washed dishes and frantically straightened the kitchen this morning to find order and balance I started outlining what felt like 16 different posts. I am going to bullet point the thoughts and see what comes out and if any of it makes sense.
* B's relationship with the girls. I want to share what I see and feel...but I also want to respect my daughters. He gets to live his life his way and we get to live ours. It doesn't make any of us less worthy of goodness, happiness or peace. My desire to share with him is still a foolish hope to reconnect with a person who was my friend and whom I miss. That will never go away, because that love was pure and real. More than just about anything in the world, I wish desperately I could make our girls feel the security of knowing their Mom and Dad loved each other and that they are a result of the absolute best of both of us and that love.
* The ability to dissect and recognize, and separate intention from actions or words, mine or someones else's is symbolic of growth. And strength.
* In this marriage I vowed to do better as I learned, and yet I found myself repeating so many of the same mistakes. I have been loyal and faithful but these are not strengths; Accepting unacceptable behaviors and giving forgiveness that was not deserved or requested is a survival skill, not a badge of honor. No matter how many people told me the things that were happening were not my fault, in my mind (because I know the only one I can change is me...) I was constantly trying to figure out what I had done wrong or what was so broken in me and how could I change or improve and therefore be worthy of love. Redirecting my attention and focus inward to rediscover my own soul has been a difficult and heartbreaking road. Loving yourself after years and years of claiming fault is hard. This path has been to acceptance has been tangled and treacherous. Navigating between self worth and ego is not for the faint of heart.
*I hope I am teaching my children that it is perfectly acceptable and even sometimes brave to love yourself enough to tell the ones you love no. That you have permission to "love" yourself more than others. That love is not a constant laying down of yourself as a sacrifice. Self worth is not a bargaining chip to be offered again and again, in exchange for love or peace.
*I hope I have shown them that contentment and complacency are so very different. You can set and achieve goal after goal and it doesn't make you an unhappy, dissatisfied or negative person. Instead to claim ambition, inspiration and make investments in hope for a better future because that is beyond measure of value.
*Of all my achievements, being present in my children's lives was, and still is the one thing I will not waver on. I have made each and every choice in life in order to be the very best mom I am capable of being for these children.
* I have messed that up more than I ever thought possible...because there are no perfect people or perfect methods to living life. I am not a perfect parent and I do not have perfect children. I have disappointed my children and my children have disappointed me. I have lost my cool when my children acted like fools and sometimes for no reason at all. I am certain I have damaged them in ways I don't even know yet and still they love me and have absolute faith in their ability to do anything they set their minds to. Unconditional love and unwavering confidence, supported by a love of learning, and God given ability to be resilient in the face of adversity...these are my hope and prayers for my kids.
*I love feeling my soul come to life and share my beauty and emotion with others. I stopped because I relapsed and allowed other people's opinions to be more valuable than my own. Then I remembered I am allowed to have joy all my own and this, typing these words and seeing them in black and white makes me smile and feel worthy in a tangible way.
*I am not naive enough to think it is life changing for anyone besides me. I know that it being life changing for me is enough to make it worth sharing here. If for no other reason than someday, somewhere down the road someone may read it and see or hear my heart. And that person may only be me on a sad day when I need to remember and still, that is completely worth the space these letters take up. Because each and every day I deserve space in the universe and if I deserve space in the universe, I definitely deserve space in someone's heart. And this is where I circle back around to seeking...and allowing myself the freedom to imagine all the ways it could be better.
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