a year of thoughts

As I sit here listening to Christmas music and watching the fireplace, I cannot help but think. This past year has been pitch-black at moments. However, tonight in my warm house, with my girls healthy and sleeping I am ever so thankful!
I do not claim to know why those moments had to be quite so painful, nor do I know what it means for my future, but I do know I am on the other side looking back and it is not scary anymore. I walked that path because I choose too. Long before I had any comprehension of the possible outcome, I blindly made the choices that brought me to it. Now I know if you are going to make a choice, know your intent and the possible outcomes and own whatever choice you make!
It was simply by love & grace that I survived my foolishness. A year has flown by. Words were said, books were read, heartaches survived, laughter was heard and smiles were felt in our hearts ~ this year we were loved beyond comprehension.
Among my personal highlights this year…
This year I discovered I have friendships that run deeper than I ever knew possible. People saw me in my darkest moments and yet loved me anyway, not only in words. I pray I am able to love these women as well as they have loved me. They have taught me how to live freely and happily.
I learned what love is on a completely new level. I thought I loved Brent; I did love Brent as best as I could at 20, when I had such a simple understanding of the word. I knew what love was supposed to look like, feel like but I had no idea how to make it come to life. I did not know how to *do* it. I had to learn the hard way. I see now, true love requires painful sacrifice and humiliation. I played the martyr…it was not about me and I was such a brat to try to claim that.
I am loved and capable of loving. I am learning that knowing the answers is not enough, apply them to your life and chances are it is not how you think you should be doing it. It is hard and I am no expert, but I am on a new path one that is light and joyful.
Through the classes, I have taken, and the life I have lived ~I am learning!  I know now that I am completely lost. My plans and goals have come and gone and tonight, I laugh aloud as I realize I am living freely. Sure I have ideas of how I want my life to go, but for the first time I am open to it going someone else’s way.
My kids are creatures and we have our moments, but we love each other through them. I learned from my second grader this month that 70’s and 80’s are not hopeless. It simply shows the Teacher finally caught up to where her mind is, and can now teach her things she did not already know. This is good. I learned from Amelia, God gives us different kids to teach us different lessons. I am not sure what lesson Amelia is teaching me, regardless, I love her snotty little face and when she smiles, it really does brighten the room. Her laugh is angelic and contagious. They are both amazing, irreplaceable miracles! I am learning that I know nothing beyond nothing about being a parent. Yet I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are where they need to be, that God will give me the wisdom and patience I need each day to be the Mom they need me to be.
It may not make sense to anyone but me because it is my lesson. I am happy in my skin, and in my head and in my heart…and I am loved, just as I am.