Missing my loves

I am deep in a funk right about now...despite my best efforts not to be. I miss them, in all their rotten-ness. It amazes me how much free time I have. I do not like it. I miss playing chauffeur, referee, nurse, chef, maid etc...

I hope they know how much I miss them. Not because I want them to be sad, or feel bad for me, but because the thought of my babies wondering why I haven't called, shreds my heart! Its a sticky predicament...to call or not to call. I want to hear their voices, and know that they are not missing me, but by calling I am forcing myself into their thoughts and if they weren't missing me before, they will be now and then I have caused them pain. Yes, I know~I think too much.

I know they are being loved on. Not by Mom, but by people who do love them and this is mildly comforting. But then I think about hugging their small bodies, stroking their hair, hearing their voices and I start to lose it. I can't help it...I miss my babies!

Last year as soon as they left I stripped their beds and emptied the clothes hampers. I thoroughly cleaned the house top to bottom. It didn't take long, we had barely moved in. This year I am purposely NOT doing any of those things. I have straightened their rooms and cleaned the rest of the house...but I refuse to wash the sheets and clothes till they come home. Don't ask why and I won't explain my reasons. I see the neighborhood kids and I tear up, so mostly I sit in the house reading ahead for school and stocking up on sleep. Little man will be here soon and I am pretty sure I will need it.

There really isn't much else going on in my life...missing my kids, my siblings, my friends. One of the yuck factors is that my Mom had to go to WI for work and is out of touch. I do not like this feeling one bit! I am lonely...and there are times I feel the need, (yes, physically NEED) to call and talk to another human being, but there isn't anyone to call. Friends have busy lives and really, I know I have nothing substantial to say so I sit in the house and think to God.

I have no idea what else I should be doing with this time. I've never really been any good at sitting still and doing nothing but resting in the quiet...maybe I'll learn my lesson this time. That or I'll just go mad. :-)