Texas Traditions

Abigail is growing too fast, changing every day and I am so proud of her. She got the highest score in the entire 4th grade on the practice STAAR test last week. I have high hopes for this girl!

I know I am biased...but I think they get more gorgeous every.single.day!

And this girl, may be sassy as the day is long, but has my heart.

I am so blessed to be their Mom!!!

Also...I need a new camera :-p

Crazy comments from Amelia

Amelia:Mom, I want my haircut like that one girl from shake it up chicago. All short in the back and with bangs in the face. And can i get it dyed, like red or orange.
Me:I don't think so dear.
Amelia:How awkward.

Amelia: I wish I was Santa. Then I'd have elves to do my work.
Me: me too babe, me too!

spring cleaning

What a weekend! working on flower beds, going to wedding showers, Hunger Games! more cleaning and organizing, triple berry pancakes, silly little girls laughter, walks and picking wildflowers. Yes, it was a grand weekend indeed! :-)

31 years

Spring break went by too quickly and yet, the girls were gone far too long. Funny how that works! I did alot of reading, all my friends were right and I had to read all 3 hunger games before I started on the next one. I had already seen the movie, so The Vow didn't quite make the cut. I got to chapter 4 and decided I'd rather read something else. Finished The Descendants, not sure what I think of the book...certainly not my favorite. It felt empty, like I missed the point?! it was just weird. Reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks right in between changing diapers and reading textbooks. Maybe I should have saved Hunger Games for last. Can not wait to see the movie next week with Jubilee.

Jenia has landed in Ireland today. I know for her this was just a bonus. She is so amazing and I can't even hope to be as strong as she is. I was in tears last night knowing she wouldn't be calling today...I still am. She will be home soon though so it's all good.

Axel is determined to get into everything. Ryan put the cabinet locks on for me for my bday. I joked that preservation of sanity is the best birthday gift ever!

There is still so much I long to say, see, experience, conquer. But at this stage~I am also happy with my life exactly as it is in this moment. 3 small children are sleeping in my living room as the storms rage outside. A husband is working hard to provide for us. We are very blessed. More friends than I can keep in touch with. Family that loves me and is willing to drive over an hour for nothing more than a meal and a short conversation.

31 years of memories, experiences and lessons, laughter and love. A few tears and scars along the way...but mostly 31 years of blessings. It was a happy birthday indeed :-)

mid-break

Girls are with their Dad and I've done pretty well, all things considered. Tonight is hard though. Its Thursday, the night we all watch wipeout and not only are the girls gone, but Ryan is working nights. At least I have Axel to keep me company. We had a fun "date" last night, we went to the mall, then grabbed some Panda Express and Bahama Bucks on the way home. Yummy food makes me happy! :-)

I'm finished working this week, have a break form school, tomorrow we head to DFW to celebrate. Its a new tradition...birthday shopping in DFW instead of Houston or CS. Of course...this time of year causes me to reflect. As much as I love New years, I realized this year, I need to find a new holiday as I come to a screeching halt every February. There are too many memories and I can't help but reminisce over happy memories.

Along with everything else that is going on, I need to document some of those memories for the girls. So, fair warning....certain people may not want to read.

For Abigail and Amelia~
I met your Daddy in July of 2000. I had an interview at the vet clinic where he worked. It was a crazy day as I almost forgot about the interview entirely! But I got the job and he used to walk by and stick his tongue out at me. He started coming to see the girls (Laura and Katelyn) and give them "airplane rides" then he would play play dough with us in the kitchen and we made small talk. He was looking for a new place to live since Chunky Monkey was graduating and moving. We joked about me moving in and all I had to do was his laundry. Then one night (Christmas Eve) he stopped by the Holiday Inn. We ended up talking for 2 hours. I laughed when he said he had to go, that he had left his truck running. :-) Silly boy! It became a regular thing. He would come up and talk to me for hours. He endured the food at the cutting horse and drank long island ice teas. Terry Jones was a trooper who worked security and he told me that your Daddy was sweet on me and I laughed. I should mention that at this time I was engaged to another boy. A boy who was not nice and who made bad choices. In talking to your Daddy, I realized that no matter who badly I wanted to prove my independence, I needed to NOT make my own bad choice. I loved those nights and those talks and I realized that I needed to break up with the other boy. But I was stubborn and I didn't want Mimi and Josanna to be right. At one point, your Daddy called Alexander and Josanna answered the phone...she told him not to give up and she told me to "give the vet boy a chance". That week, I followed my heart and told the other boy I wouldn't marry him, in a manner of speaking. ;-) A few weeks later, after work I was driving around Stephenville with Jahna and her friend Kim, told me to just go kiss him. So we drove over to his house and I knocked on the door. I had no intention of kissing him mind you...But he kissed me. ;-)
Our first official date was January 28th, Super Bowl Sunday. I knew he thought I was special because there was not mention of football at all. We drove to Ft. Worth and ate fried pickles at Razzoou's, then we went to the Mall. It was a great date despite the gloomy weather. Your Dad said my driving made him sick, so he drove my tiny blue car home, lol. We were going to go see a movie, Chocolate and it was really dumb and we laughed about it. Then we went to Wal-mart and he bought a Tim McGraw CD. 3 days later, Mur died. I was at work, talking to your Dad on the phone when I got the call. He offered to go with me, but a friend had just stopped by so I went with Chelsea and then she took me to his house. The funeral was Saturday. If I had any doubts that your Daddy was interested, they stopped there. He took off work so that he could go with me to Fort Worth for the funeral. He got his own hotel room and he gave me space to cry, and that weekend he promised he would never hurt me. He got an interview in CS for vet school on the 13th and on his way home he stopped in Waco and bought me a card and I white bear. Mur had bought all of her granddaughters white bears and told us that when someone loves you they buy you a white bear. I took it as a sign from her that she approved. I'll never forget how silly he was in the hall at the clinic when he got the call. :-) From that weekend on, we spent as much time together as possible. He took me to meet "the silver fox" AKA, Grandma in March. Then in April we went to Lake Whitney, dinner at Mary's in Strawn and camping in Iredelle and boy, that was a CrAzY night. It rained so hard! Your Daddy thought I was so silly jumping out of trees and bringing face wipes and a toothbrush to go camping! May was Dinosaur Valley and Lake Proctor and we talked about getting married after vet school. June we found out I was pregnant and decided to plan a wedding. We were married in July, one year after we met. It was a very scary and exciting time. I was married to the best friend I had ever had.

I'll write more later...but tonight this is all my heart can handle.

March

Abigail is still doing amazing in school. No surprise there. She is really into drawing right now and is looking forward to making her own Easter jewelry. She even picked out a beautiful blue dress (yes, a dress folks!) to wear and we are looking high and low for the perfect blue shoes to match. She is growing to be a beautiful young woman and as proud as that makes me, it also breaks my heart. My baby girl is growing up. She loves to help me and is great at calming her baby brother.

Amelia is really impressing me with her acting skills these days. Much to her dismay I have NO interest in taking her to auditions or allowing her to be a "fashion diva". She sings constantly and sashays her hips like a pro. She is also doing really well with word families and reading...but only on her terms. She has the "at" and "ot" families down and even writes words. I love finding notes she has written and signed her name in "cursive" (curly). As much as she loves dressing up, she alos loves to run barefoot and get dirty. She wants to be jsut like Abigail, which of course causes all kinds of problems but I know one day they will look back at all the fights and laugh, and that they will be the best of friends.

Axel is well on his way to walking. He walks along the couch, stands alone for 3-4 seconds at at time, wants to climb and is throwing some great temper tantrums. He will throw himself (face down) on the ground and when that fails to get the desired response, he will sit back up and throw himself backwards. Little stinker! He also loves to do "tricks" like sitting and spinning while clapping. We sure do love this little clown! I will be very surprised if he is not running by summer!

Spring break!

It's no secret that I've fallen behind on my daily posts. I'm writing but not all are being published because along with this growing up thing, I am actually finding a bit more wisdom....or something like that. I still think, feel, say and at times, write things I ought not to. I'm human.

We had plans to go to S'ville this weekend, but since it was raining we opted to stay home and "chillax". Abigail got to have a sleep-over and we got some crafty stuff to make Monday fun. Tuesday we head to CS to play with our friends and then the girls are off with their Dad for a mini-vacay in SA.

Girls are still struggling, I realized this weekend that alot of their attitude is just them being kids. BS isn't off the hook completely as Abigail had a MAJOR episode last weekend, but I am realizing that a bunch of her emotional stuff comes along with her turning 10. And Amelia is just the little sister. I think we are doing better overall.

When do broken hearts heal?

My Abigail had a rough weekend. She is such a tough little girl but her heart is so very fragile and the people she is exposed to are so rough with her, I am afraid it will never heal. I understand telling kids to tough up, but you have to lead by example.

She cried just about the whole way home from Bryan on Sunday night. She hates going to her Dad's, but she will never tell him that. She loves him too much. She wants desperately for him to pay attention to her, to enjoy her, to love her...of his own accord. Not because he was told, reminded, forced. Her Step-mom tries the best she knows how, (just like I did) but it only makes things worse for Abi. She has a Mom and when "party mom" tries to pretend, it is incredibly insulting to Abigail. So many times she tells me, "Don't they know I'm a tiny adult trapped in a kids body?!". For Abigail to have to go and pretend they are a big happy family, makes her sick. Physically. She asks for tylenol on the car ride every time now. I feel her pain and no matter what I do, I cannot prevent it from attacking my sweet baby. When she is there, they don't give her medicine~they tell her to tough up.

This is by far the WORST thing about this divorce. Not only was every dream stolen, but my children are hurt and I can't do a thing about it. I can't be there when she falls off the horse. I cannot reassure her when her Dad rides out of view and she feels alone and scared. When they are sick in the middle of the night, they call me but I can only bring so much comfort over the phone and it is torture!!! She feels sad & alone and I can't do anything except pick her up when his time is over, love on her and listen to her cry and promise that if there was ANYTHING I could do, I would and will do it!

So this is my desperate plea. To the woman who wants to "fix" my "broken" daughters. Leave them alone. Stop pretending. Their Dad is as involved as he wants to be. He is a grown man, Stop covering for him. I did it as long as I could and look where it got me. You swore to me in the park that day, you would "never have the relationship with him that I had". Really? Because it looks pretty familiar to me. Trying to pretend like everything is ok, meanwhile dying inside because you are lonelier than ever. You talked about how y'all were afraid of what happens when you get out of vet school and you realize this is "it!?". That's how your feeling about this family thing from the look on your face every weekend. When I look at you, I see an old version of myself. But trying to be Abi and Amelia's bestest friend is not the cure. No matter what you do, you are not their Mom. You can't change him-he is already doing the best he knows also. I'm sure you read in a book somewhere how to be a good step-mom. But my daughters are not typical, normal...easy. Whatever you read, whatever you are doing, is only making things worse. The more they have to do with him, the more it hurts them and then y'all tell them to be suck it up or lock them in their rooms?! My kid is petrified to speak her mind for fear of being locked in her room and missing meals. (No, you haven't done it to her, but she has seen you do it to her little sister and it scares the snot out of her!)

You can put the cards in front of him, you can take all the "family" pictures you want, you can plan all the fun, fancy vacations that your Mom's frequent flyer miles can afford. But it doesn't replace love, or the family she remembers. They know it is just a cover. They feel the cold distance from him. They know he left me, but they love me and they don't understand. Abigail asks, "why did he do this, He knows how it feels? Doesn't she know how much it hurts? I remember having a mom and a dad!" They remind him of me and he says I am so horrible...he wanted nothing to do with me. She remembers hearing those things. The more you force him to be involved, the more it hurts them. Let him be...he will do what he can, when he can and that is what they need. Imagine for a moment Abigail's position in this. Imagine your "norman rockwell" life, the white picket fence childhood you had...then imagine one day it's gone. Mom cries. Dad's at work. When he comes to the house he talks ugly if he talks at all. Then he slams the door and his truck roars off again. You barely see him. Then suddenly he is taking you away for "sleepovers". Some girl is kissing your Dad. Go through the scenario through my daughters eyes. My Daughter. Pretend I was your Mom...How would you feel? Even still~you cannot imagine the hurt she feels because you have no idea how SMART and adult like she really is.

No book can explain it, or tell you how to cope or manage it. I am her Mom, the only one who really knows her. So your gonna have to trust me on this. The more you try to take my place in her life~the more damage you do. I never said these words in regards to my marriage and it haunts me to this day. So I say it now for my daughters. Back off, this is NOT your place and you are not doing anyone any good. God gave you 2 beautiful daughters of your own. Go be a mom to them. Their Dad will need to pull his own weight here if he hopes for it to have any meaning in his daughters hearts.

And he is a wonderful Dad, when he chooses to be. In the quietest of moments, when no one is watching...he will step up. He always does. They need him to be in their life. And I will make sure that he is. Just like when Amelia was a baby and he was not around. I showed her his picture EVERYDAY and told her, "that's your Daddy and he loves you soo much." It is my responsibility~not yours. This is between Brent and I. We made this children. They are a reflection of our love, no matter what story the 2 of you have concocted about our time together. That time may be over but these children live that love everyday. Stop trying to un-do it. Love is eternal, and like it or not Brent and I are bonded for the rest of our lives. Stop trying to pretend we never loved each other. Stop trying to replace me. Stop. Just stop.

Do me a favor...look at your daughter and ask yourself what you would do if God forbid he leaves you like he did me, and you have some other woman come in and try to pretend she knows your children better than you do. If your babies were hurt and crying and you had to sit and do nothing. Put yourself in my shoes for a just moment. Think about it from a mothers perspective and not the woman scorned.

If this scenario doesn't bother you...then I pity your girls. They will never feel as loved as mine.

Birthday favorites :-)

While other college students are working out, making tanning appointments, buying swimsuits and planning tropical getaways, I am planning for a different kind of spring break! I treated myself to an early birthday present/spring break gift and bought 7 books to read over spring break. I am VERY excited!!!

I also found a purse I adore, but it was $60 so I left it at Marshalls. I am not promising I won't RUN back tomorrow to rescue it!

I found an Easter dress. Haven't gotten myself an Easter dress in years and this one made me feel like a little girl again so I bought it.

Jubilee and I had Jason's Deli for lunch, I had a ginormous and yum-o-licious salad and the leftover hummus and crackers (and cheese cake) are my dinner.

Finally the highlight of my week was the bouquet of flowers Abigail brought in the other day. Then she told me she wrote about me in her journal at school when asked to write about someone she looks up to. Nothing makes you feel more accomplished than hearing from your ten year old that she thinks you are wonder woman!

March is starting off beautifully :-)