My Abigail had a rough weekend. She is such a tough little girl but her heart is so very fragile and the people she is exposed to are so rough with her, I am afraid it will never heal. I understand telling kids to tough up, but you have to lead by example.
She cried just about the whole way home from Bryan on Sunday night. She hates going to her Dad's, but she will never tell him that. She loves him too much. She wants desperately for him to pay attention to her, to enjoy her, to love her...of his own accord. Not because he was told, reminded, forced. Her Step-mom tries the best she knows how, (just like I did) but it only makes things worse for Abi. She has a Mom and when "party mom" tries to pretend, it is incredibly insulting to Abigail. So many times she tells me, "Don't they know I'm a tiny adult trapped in a kids body?!". For Abigail to have to go and pretend they are a big happy family, makes her sick. Physically. She asks for tylenol on the car ride every time now. I feel her pain and no matter what I do, I cannot prevent it from attacking my sweet baby. When she is there, they don't give her medicine~they tell her to tough up.
This is by far the WORST thing about this divorce. Not only was every dream stolen, but my children are hurt and I can't do a thing about it. I can't be there when she falls off the horse. I cannot reassure her when her Dad rides out of view and she feels alone and scared. When they are sick in the middle of the night, they call me but I can only bring so much comfort over the phone and it is torture!!! She feels sad & alone and I can't do anything except pick her up when his time is over, love on her and listen to her cry and promise that if there was ANYTHING I could do, I would and will do it!
So this is my desperate plea. To the woman who wants to "fix" my "broken" daughters. Leave them alone. Stop pretending. Their Dad is as involved as he wants to be. He is a grown man, Stop covering for him. I did it as long as I could and look where it got me. You swore to me in the park that day, you would "never have the relationship with him that I had". Really? Because it looks pretty familiar to me. Trying to pretend like everything is ok, meanwhile dying inside because you are lonelier than ever. You talked about how y'all were afraid of what happens when you get out of vet school and you realize this is "it!?". That's how your feeling about this family thing from the look on your face every weekend. When I look at you, I see an old version of myself. But trying to be Abi and Amelia's bestest friend is not the cure. No matter what you do, you are not their Mom. You can't change him-he is already doing the best he knows also. I'm sure you read in a book somewhere how to be a good step-mom. But my daughters are not typical, normal...easy. Whatever you read, whatever you are doing, is only making things worse. The more they have to do with him, the more it hurts them and then y'all tell them to be suck it up or lock them in their rooms?! My kid is petrified to speak her mind for fear of being locked in her room and missing meals. (No, you haven't done it to her, but she has seen you do it to her little sister and it scares the snot out of her!)
You can put the cards in front of him, you can take all the "family" pictures you want, you can plan all the fun, fancy vacations that your Mom's frequent flyer miles can afford. But it doesn't replace love, or the family she remembers. They know it is just a cover. They feel the cold distance from him. They know he left me, but they love me and they don't understand. Abigail asks, "why did he do this, He knows how it feels? Doesn't she know how much it hurts? I remember having a mom and a dad!" They remind him of me and he says I am so horrible...he wanted nothing to do with me. She remembers hearing those things. The more you force him to be involved, the more it hurts them. Let him be...he will do what he can, when he can and that is what they need. Imagine for a moment Abigail's position in this. Imagine your "norman rockwell" life, the white picket fence childhood you had...then imagine one day it's gone. Mom cries. Dad's at work. When he comes to the house he talks ugly if he talks at all. Then he slams the door and his truck roars off again. You barely see him. Then suddenly he is taking you away for "sleepovers". Some girl is kissing your Dad. Go through the scenario through my daughters eyes. My Daughter. Pretend I was your Mom...How would you feel? Even still~you cannot imagine the hurt she feels because you have no idea how SMART and adult like she really is.
No book can explain it, or tell you how to cope or manage it. I am her Mom, the only one who really knows her. So your gonna have to trust me on this. The more you try to take my place in her life~the more damage you do. I never said these words in regards to my marriage and it haunts me to this day. So I say it now for my daughters. Back off, this is NOT your place and you are not doing anyone any good. God gave you 2 beautiful daughters of your own. Go be a mom to them. Their Dad will need to pull his own weight here if he hopes for it to have any meaning in his daughters hearts.
And he is a wonderful Dad, when he chooses to be. In the quietest of moments, when no one is watching...he will step up. He always does. They need him to be in their life. And I will make sure that he is. Just like when Amelia was a baby and he was not around. I showed her his picture EVERYDAY and told her, "that's your Daddy and he loves you soo much." It is my responsibility~not yours. This is between Brent and I. We made this children. They are a reflection of our love, no matter what story the 2 of you have concocted about our time together. That time may be over but these children live that love everyday. Stop trying to un-do it. Love is eternal, and like it or not Brent and I are bonded for the rest of our lives. Stop trying to pretend we never loved each other. Stop trying to replace me. Stop. Just stop.
Do me a favor...look at your daughter and ask yourself what you would do if God forbid he leaves you like he did me, and you have some other woman come in and try to pretend she knows your children better than you do. If your babies were hurt and crying and you had to sit and do nothing. Put yourself in my shoes for a just moment. Think about it from a mothers perspective and not the woman scorned.
If this scenario doesn't bother you...then I pity your girls. They will never feel as loved as mine.
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