Today I heard that the second of my three "daycare" kids are sick. Being better than a daycare is something I strive for and this last week I am feeling a deep sense of failure. Despite all my precautions, this illness spread and my home was the petri dish. Up until now, I have based my success and value on the fact that the kids I've watched have not shared any serious illness. Even colds and tummy bugs have been minor, few and far between., I can count on one hand the "communicable" illnesses we've contained in 14 years of childcare. I'm struggling personally as I fear for my baby realizing I've put him in jeopardy, making the exact choice I said I would never make again. I tell my friends it's not their fault, that they couldn't have known... Why can't I extend that same grace to myself. I can't help but question the underlying cause- what lesson am I supposed to glean from this? And if it's me that's supposed to learn the lesson... Why are my kids (birthed and borrowed) suffering? Maybe it's just my hormones but my anxiety is high and my heart is hurting. I'm not looking for validation or comfort... I'm processing.
I hear the whispers and warnings. I hesitate with doubt and fear. I don't want to disappoint. I don't want to be vulnerable and dependent.
I have the speech rolling around in my head, key phrases coming together but I don't write it down because I don't want it to be real. I'm not ready.
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