What I have to say

I am finished hiding. I don't have an abundance of time, but when I do have time, I like to write. I didn't write things I was ashamed of. If I had anything to hide, why would I have written about it? Why did I stop. Why did I allow myself to be silenced? Whatever the reason, I'm in a different place now and I have things to say and I'm not scared.

I am 4 classes short of my Bachelors. Something I never imagined possible, but here I am. Those last 4 classes are "extras",  I choose Intro to Counseling knowing that I needed a "tune-up" but finding the time to take it was like pulling teeth. I didn't imagine it would be easy, I knew it would challenge me. Three weeks in and I feel like my guts have been pulled out, put through the wringer, and hung up to dry outside of my body. (GORY LOL) But it feels good, like spring cleaning.

There is a lot I already knew, some stuff I had forgotten, and lots of new ways of looking at life.

First of all~PURPOSE. I am not here to "be happy" according to our current understanding of happiness. Nor am I here to please others. I am here to live presently. My reactions to difficult happenings are what determine my happiness. I didn't understand this before. I felt happy but others didn't perceive me as happy because when things went "wrong" I allowed them to elicit an intense emotional response. This is not to say I should be made of stone~but when I have a bad day with the kids, does it really mean they hate me?! If a parent questions me, it doesn't mean they don't trust me or they are pulling their kids. If my husband leaves me, does it mean I am a failure? No.

I know these situations are not the end of the world, but they hurt my heart and I felt that expressing those emotions was justified.

I am discovering there are other ways of expressing those hurts that do not in turn hurt others.

I make a valiant effort not to say negative things about the girls Dad to them. I always have. But I did tell them the truth, whether good or bad. It was important for me to be authentic with them, so they would be able to trust and confide in me. At the time, I felt that was right. I still do. There was a time and place for truth, and now there is a time and place for redirection. What happened, happened. It was traumatic. But we are stronger because of it. And we can help others because we can be happy despite the sadness. It is time to embrace the direction this life is taking us.

We learn everyday. We can't take back what we've done but we can do better. Today I will do better.

I need to check my actions and intentions, while I strive to handle things correctly and protect my daughters hearts~am I also loving God and reflecting Him in my reactions?

God's will is just that. HIS will, not mine. When things happen that are out of my control, when things go in a direction that alters from where I think they "should", am I reacting in faith? No, I stress, I get angry and feel victimized. When in reality~it likely has nothing to do with me.

As my soul was being formed into a human being, my life was already planned. Each day, every event, every.single.tear accounted for. All before I even took my first breath. I accepted this life.

I don't trust people as a result of some of the circumstances, but I can trust God. I can trust that at the end of my life~none of this will matter and my life will have been full of beauty and meaning.

This also means I shouldn't live in fear of what others think or might do. 

I know this in my heart. I have known since I was tee-niny.  And I am prepared for the Poohurricane that will likely follow this.

I always liked dancing in the rain. :-)