The post I would write.

There are several letters floating around the internet. Each has valid points I agree with, and some I disagree with.  But at the end of the day...each situation and family is different. Because of that, (and other events), I decided to document my own thoughts on the subject.

To my daughters other parents,

We need to find common ground for the sake of our daughters. This letter may rustle your feathers…but it is NOT personal. If you choose to take it personally, so be it. 

I have a responsibility to my daughters to do the best that I can for them. Because of that, I am coming to y'all. Not because I think you will listen, (in fact I will be shocked if you do) but because I am confident this is in the best interest of my daughters.

We do not like each other. That is okay. We can all love them, and they can love us, without our being "friends".  For some families that whole positive, open and accepting approach to co-parenting is perfect. Just not mine. We do not meet the requirements. There has to be mutual respect and trust, (between adults and children) for that to succeed. Please for a moment, consider their position and feelings in all this.

As adults, we do not like everyone we meet. As adults, we also have the option to limit our contact with people we do not like. Abigail and Amelia do not have that luxury. It is important to teach children they do not have to like everyone they meet, but that we ought to be respectful and kind. If we are respectful of others, other will be respectful of us. This includes the children in our lives.

 Also just because someone you love likes someone else…does not mean that you need to like that other person for them to continue loving you.

 ~~~True love is unconditional.~~~

Each and every child is entitled to be their own individual self.  We all LOVE Abigail and Amelia and we respect their hearts. We each hold an important place in their lives as ordained by God, whether we believe in Him or not.

As their mother, I feel I have a unique and valuable insight into their hearts. One I share with you now, not for your approval or gratitude, but because I owe it to my daughters to do everything in my power to keep them healthy and whole.

They need their Father to choose them. To value and pursue their hearts. They were “here” first. His obligation as a Father to Abigail and Amelia evolved before his marriage relationship with you. Therefore, when it is “his” time, they should come first. 

Please trust that I know the difficulty this causes in a marriage. But please also trust that I have seen the damage that not cherishing a child’s heart can cause.

You asked the counselor what to do. I know because of your occupation, you are accustomed to knowing how to treat an illness. 

The prescription is fairly simple. For their Father, Choose them. You didn’t choose me. That is Ok. It is over and done and we all moved on. But they still need you to choose them. You cannot “love” their Mom…but you can love them. One easy way to do this is on Friday nights. Do not rush home. Take the time to go to dinner with Abi and Mia. Listen to them. See them. Not because it will "fix" them (they are not broken) but because they deserve to be made a priority, not an option. You get 4 days a month with them, cherish that time. Hold it dear to your heart because much too quickly this opportunity will be gone. I know you think very little of me, but my self worth is not longer based on your approval. I am offering you this olive branch because I trust that it will help heal their hearts. And I pray that it will teach them to value their own hearts and how to respect themselves when the time comes for them to begin dating. Like the pins says, "It is not your job to teach them how to be a lady, it is your job to teach them how a lady should be treated".  

 And to their Step-Mom, my only request for you is this, give him the space to choose his daughters and not make this about you. Be secure enough in your marriage to allow his daughters to come first 2 Fridays a month. I am not saying that you and their sisters are not a valuable part of their life, but trust me when I say this…there is nothing you can do, to fill the Daddy hole in their hearts and the more you try, the more they will resent you. If you want them to like you...allow them to come to you. Do not chase them. They have a mom. They do not need another. They need their Dad to step up and then need you to be happy for them when he does.

I wish I had something profound to say to bring this full circle, but I don't. So, until next time.