Light

I spend at least a quarter, a third of my life in conversation…with myself…preparing to have conversations with other people. Often times through the course of said conversations, I convince myself that speaking to another human would be a waste of energy. Not only do feelings, thoughts or information not get passed along, but I have created the worst case scenario and more often than I care to admit…I take up residence in that negative space where I am not “worth it”.

Reflection is another obsessive habit natural process. As previously stated…typically this would be a negative process.  I am learning to consider intention and perspective, allowing them to filter and  redirect my reactions; which means I am able now to reflect in a more positive and constructive manner.

This weekend as I shuffled between books…I realized the common theme among them.

Love. You. You ARE worth it. Teach them…by loving you.  Love THEM…by loving YOU.

Trust…even in your failures and imperfections…You are LOVED.

I am…(learning) what that looks like. The “How To” that I searched for, that waiting room door that I didn’t open.

It is knocking things off the beam to regain or maintain balance. In the past I would knock many things off the balance beam...but they were all the things that gave me life. I imagined that to be a good christian...I needed to put everyone's likes or wants before my needs. I was a martyr but not in a heroic manner, it was self destructive. I wanted to change that for a long time but didn't know how. Now I do. It looks like avoiding cleaning the toyroom or kitchen to work on a space that nobody sees except me. Instead of prepping for the week…it is soaking in the bath till your fingers were all wrinkly. Take a nap, sit outside and take pictures of clouds or grass...Because it feeds your soul.

I am also gaving myself permission to be authentic. Because it is what I need; to allow others to see me for who I am instead of always trying to apply what others say is the best course of action.

My life is for me, spirit filled and led. In my daycare…I will allow the wonder weeks, imagination and curiosity to guide our lessons. My business will reflect my generous heart. I will trust those who love me to stay…if the relationship feeds and grow us. And if not, if their roots need room to grow then I will not see the broken pot of our relationship as a reflection of either party.

It is a good place, with lots of fresh air to breathe…this place of coming to terms with oneself and the world in which I reside. I am hopeful for what lies ahead and with renewed strength, I press onward.