growing again

Growth is a wonder-filled thing. It is the realization of beauty and at times can cause extreme discomfort. This stage I am currently in takes discomfort to new levels. I don't want to cause discomfort to others, but I am seeing now that a large part of why I am uncomfortable is because I put others comfort and that nasty need for approval before everything.

 Lately, as I struggled to find a way to "fix" my life...I thought the answer was self care so I made myself a priority. Then the weirdest thing happened. Once I started getting away from my family, I started really not liking them. I flashed back to being 8 years old and my mom telling me I could not spend the night with my grandmother on Friday, go to a birthday party on Saturday and then have a friend over after church because I was rude to my family after that much time away. But to recognize it and experience it as the adult was a bitter pill to swallow. I don't ever want my children to feel I resented them for needing me. They are my world, and lately I have sucked at treating them well.

I am struggling in more areas than I have the strength to type. I feel as if every single relationship in my life is being challenged, and I don't have the energy for it. So I began to examine what my purpose here. What will I regret? And the answer was actually really simple. I won't ever regret spending time with my kids. Marriage and friendships are optional. That may seem like the worst possible thing I could say and I may invoke the wrath of hell to swallow me whole...but my human truth is that I regret every moment I chose not to spend with my children. I have known this at my core since before they were born. It is who I am.

Motherhood is hard. I fail daily. But do I, really? No. While I may fail at many things...as long as I am being a good Mom and putting my kids first,,,everything else is negotiable. And I may suck at every.other.single.thing in life. I am okay with that as long as I can look in the mirror and say with every fiber of my being... "I am a good mom".

When my world cracked and shattered...I had JUST discovered this purpose and confidence. I embraced it, wrapped it around me and stood tall and proclaimed it as my truth. And then....that happened.

I know now that every time I declare to have learned, discovered, felt something...I should not say it out loud. Because when I do, that truth is challenged beyond ANY vision of hell my imagination could conjure.

After a decade of fighting to get back on up on my feet, stand tall and breath... I have a few moments to find my footing and brace for what comes next. This is a beautiful moment atop this rock watching the waves...