Pearls of patience.

 This week I have made a point to sit outside while tiny people run out their energy and write. At first it was mostly a bunch of random words because I was too frustrated to make any type of sense. I am still pretty agitated, but actively working through my irritations in a more positive way.

I want to focus on and share what I am learning through this part of my journey. It may be repetitive, apparently I am a little hard headed. If you find me sharing words you have been shouting at me for years-please just be happy that I am finally processing them rather than be annoyed it has taken me so long.

Once again, I seem to have landed in a waiting room, staring at a mirror reflecting my children's behavior in my thoughts and actions. I am realizing that roughly 80% of my conversations with my children lately are about need versus want, and the classic, "it's not fair!".

My job is currently undergoing some, shall we say reorganization. As children grow, they outgrow me and this is not a bad thing but rather what we work towards and therefore a success story. So I have a group of little friends who are graduating and moving on to bigger and better things.  While I am so very sad at the thought of not seeing them everyday~ I can honestly say I am super excited for their families and the brand new season of life! I am excited for myself and the opportunity to prune and plant. Pardon my cheesy garden analogy. #prekteacherproblems

I am not so very excited about the part of planting where you have to have patience. While some have commented on my level of patience, I will tell you that is not one of the things I count as a personal strength. My mind is pretty much a hurricane, always spinning thinking of ways to hurry the process and improves all the things. So of course, as soon as I heard that our group dynamic was changing, I immediately needed to make a plan. I wanted to know what the next step was because apparently I am also a little more Type A than I realized. Not normal Type A mind you...you can't have four kids and actually be Type A.

The thing is, I do have control over my own (re)actions. I need to check my actions and reactions with the bigger picture because I don't really have all that much control when you get right down to this life business.

I am gonna jump around for a few sentences here as I try to untangle some of the thoughts in my minds.

Ten years ago, about this time I was dealt a poo hand. Not gonna go back there...except I kinda am. Ten years ago...God asked me for my "pearls". He asked me to let go and trust Him. I thought I did. Three years, I waited for him to give me the better pearls. But not patiently. As soon as it was clear that the pearls were gone...never to return, I went to work finding "my own dang pearls". I was certain He would give me something better, that He was going to rearrange this wrecked mess and make all the puzzle pieces fit to reveal a glorious, beauty-filled, picture perfect life where all my dreams came true. #ibelievedinfariytales  #jokesonme

These last seven years have been...hard. Not at all what I thought grown up life would look like. Not at all what I planned or worked for them to look like. But they aren't "bad". In fact, I am just now starting to realize how spoiled I have been. I've not had to stress about where to dig for grocery money. Granted, that's because credit cards were my safety net...but God so kindly removed those from my life this past year and it was a relief. To be able to say goodbye to the remnant debt of the divorce was pure redemption. But it brought me right back tot his waiting room where God is asking, will you trust my timing now?

 I can't honestly say that I can or that I will. Back to need versus want and it's not fair. I can't reconcile myself to the fact that God randomly deals poo hands to some people. I can't fathom how people find peace in a system or a God who requires my suffering for his good and glory. I want to experience the God who adores me, who lavishes me with love and the God with whom I can live a life, happily ever after. But in order to do so I have to get over my "need" for life to be fair and weigh my desires against what I am accustomed to. #nofun

When B left, I was told to make a list of what I wanted in a husband and pray for that. I made the list but I wasn't patient. And here today...I have the list of what I want in a job, but am I being patient...trusting that God will supply my needs? No, I am being greedy and remembering the month of potatoes and really not wanting to go through that again. I can find families to babysit for. But I want more. I want to be valued and respected for what I do. I want to actually be present with my own children. This requires patience and maybe a little "fasting".

And I need to learn this lesson now...because I don't want ot imagine what loss will transpire in ten years if I don't.