To all of those who actually read my blogs I apologize for the repetitive posts. I keep posting the same thing over and over. Yes-Life is hard, school is not fun, My kids are great, I'll be okay... blah,blah,blah. We all have issues and who really wants to read about mine? Whatever.
I'm trying, unfortunately, *trying* is crap. "It's putting forth minimal effort and expecting full credit". I'm putting forth as much as I'm willing too. My kids are more fun and important to me than school. So no, maybe I'm not giving it all that I could. Oh~freaking well.
I can't be completely honest in my posts, too much detail and I'll have to answer questions I don't know the answer to just yet.
So...I'm not a cheerleader, I don't do *bubbly and giddy*. I don't get all frilly dressed up and flirt with stupid boys or candy-coat my life so that I feel special. I am real, not perfect but real. I cry when I'm sad. I am serious and I think too much about stuff I can't change. But I am flippin awesome just the same!!! I don't understand why so many *happy* tell me that I'm never happy. Just because I don't live in your state of mind doesn't mean that I am not happy. People are different, and levels of happiness and tolerance are different. I can't be *you * and you can't be *me*. Am I truly *that* miserable? Do people just hate being around me? I am wondering, why do I always have to be the one to settle? Is it in my best interest? I don't need anymore people in my life telling me what I am not, or that I need to learn to deal with it, "it was just a joke", learn to chill, choose to be happy, be strong enough to stand up to them...AGGHHHH! I just want people to see me for me and know how precious that is.
I am going back to bed :-(
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
life of mine~as of today
No startling revelations or mind blowing experiences to report. Just my simply unique, boring chaotic life. Full of contradictions as usual :-P
Abigail and Amelia are growing much too quickly, I've come to see Amelia as the toddler she is quickly turning into and have begun to squeeze every drop of *baby* from her. I can't hold her long enough or tight enough. I find myself overwhelmingly sad thinking if Amelia is this big then Abigail is grown. She is too big to hold, really the closest I can get is sitting next to her on the couch. We are talking waves of tears sad! Yet I am bursting with pride at how smart, beautiful, wise and healthy she is. They are both utterly amazing and fantastic children and I am so blessed to call them mine.
School is going, but I wouldn't say well. I am struggling to get a passing grade. I can't bear to sacrifice being an active part of my childrens childhood, to study something I have no interest in. I can't imagine a good enough reason to give up this priceless time or the opportunity to do something I naturally do well, for the chance that I could train myself to do something the *world* deems more worthy. There is nothing more worthy of my time, love and devotion than my children. I lack the ambition to conquer the world or be famous. I simply desire to raise strong, happy and wise children. Children with morals and compassion who believe in honesty and love. To me there is not greater accomplishment. Why am I constantly striving for mans approval* ? God placed this desire on my heart why do I keep ignoring it and searching for something to make me worthwhile and respected by man. The only approval I need is from the one who created me. The one who placed the desire in my heart and who gave me the skills needed to fulfill this purpose. These people did not give me life, they have not loved me unconditionally...so why do I care if I make them happy? It is in my nature to give up myself, my hopes and dreams to please others and I do not think that is the life I was intended to have.
Does this mean I am quitting or giving up? No. I believe I must set an example for my girls. I have to show them that sometimes it is not simple or pleasant but if you are given a task you complete it. And you do it to the best of your ability, but not at the expense of your dreams. And very challenging task.
I struggle daily to find my way but I have one constant in my life. If I remember to look up, if I take the time to feel it, there is peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding. And that is how, despite all the pieces of sky falling, I still stand. That is why, even though the waves threaten to knock me down, I will not give up. I face each and everyday with a new appreciation of yesterday and the anticipation of tomorrow. I have Peace and Hope and Love and Joy, So my bank accounts may be empty, my house may be messy and my children might misbehave... I am wealthy beyond measure.
Abigail and Amelia are growing much too quickly, I've come to see Amelia as the toddler she is quickly turning into and have begun to squeeze every drop of *baby* from her. I can't hold her long enough or tight enough. I find myself overwhelmingly sad thinking if Amelia is this big then Abigail is grown. She is too big to hold, really the closest I can get is sitting next to her on the couch. We are talking waves of tears sad! Yet I am bursting with pride at how smart, beautiful, wise and healthy she is. They are both utterly amazing and fantastic children and I am so blessed to call them mine.
School is going, but I wouldn't say well. I am struggling to get a passing grade. I can't bear to sacrifice being an active part of my childrens childhood, to study something I have no interest in. I can't imagine a good enough reason to give up this priceless time or the opportunity to do something I naturally do well, for the chance that I could train myself to do something the *world* deems more worthy. There is nothing more worthy of my time, love and devotion than my children. I lack the ambition to conquer the world or be famous. I simply desire to raise strong, happy and wise children. Children with morals and compassion who believe in honesty and love. To me there is not greater accomplishment. Why am I constantly striving for mans approval* ? God placed this desire on my heart why do I keep ignoring it and searching for something to make me worthwhile and respected by man. The only approval I need is from the one who created me. The one who placed the desire in my heart and who gave me the skills needed to fulfill this purpose. These people did not give me life, they have not loved me unconditionally...so why do I care if I make them happy? It is in my nature to give up myself, my hopes and dreams to please others and I do not think that is the life I was intended to have.
Does this mean I am quitting or giving up? No. I believe I must set an example for my girls. I have to show them that sometimes it is not simple or pleasant but if you are given a task you complete it. And you do it to the best of your ability, but not at the expense of your dreams. And very challenging task.
I struggle daily to find my way but I have one constant in my life. If I remember to look up, if I take the time to feel it, there is peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding. And that is how, despite all the pieces of sky falling, I still stand. That is why, even though the waves threaten to knock me down, I will not give up. I face each and everyday with a new appreciation of yesterday and the anticipation of tomorrow. I have Peace and Hope and Love and Joy, So my bank accounts may be empty, my house may be messy and my children might misbehave... I am wealthy beyond measure.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
*#@% Foolish Ambition
" I can do it, I know it will be hard, but I'm a smart girl, and I'm determined to stand on my own. I don't need a boy, I want to buy my own house, and I have to be able to make money so I'm gonna do it. I can do it!"
What the freak was I thinkin! Who slipped stupid pills in my morning coffee?! And now that the 12th day of class is coming to an end and I don't even know how to drop or switch classes, failure is looming on the horizon.
I am in a mood, can you tell? I've had this whole week off, and the more I think I'm getting it together, the further behind I am. Crawling into a hole isn't going to help, my struggle is not with time management... my struggle is because I have to flippin clue what to do, how to do it and where to begin doing it in the first place!!! I need to GO to school! I need a teacher. I am not a homeschool prodigy who can follow simple instructions. I need detailed, step by step instructions. I suddenly feel retarded. I don't know how to do this and the more I try to get it under control the more out of control I feel. I am turning into devil Mom...as opposed to sucky mom. I can't do it. I can't very well give up, but I am failing in the worst way. I don't even know how to ask for help.
I'll pull it together, but for now I am sad beyond tears. I can't get my head above water, I thought I was caught up only to realize that I missed 2 weeks worth of assignments in my writing class due to my own simple lack of computer knowledge. I couldn't figure out the online classroom and so I didn't see the assignments.
I know it will be okay...I just don't know when. My idea of okay is not having pressing deadlines,a nd disappointing people. I forgot dinner with a friend last night and I have yelled at my kids today. Never a good sign.
Question to myself today is...who am I trying to please? My heart, my home is with my kids. I have never had the desire to make $90k a year and miss my true calling. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to play with my girls and witness their self discovery and accomplishments. I have given that up. I was silly to think that people would respect me or be proud of me for going to school. Once again, by attempting to please everyone, I have gotten so far off track I don't even recognize myself. I know what I want I know how to best accomplish it. But in a moment of doubt, in my pit of fear and because of my addiction to mans approval I have once again failed my soul.
Time to put on my big girl panties...I have class. I will come home to kiss my sweet girls. I will complete my *mom *chores, I will check my email (feed my addiction). I will take a shower and go to bed, hopeful for tomorrow.
What the freak was I thinkin! Who slipped stupid pills in my morning coffee?! And now that the 12th day of class is coming to an end and I don't even know how to drop or switch classes, failure is looming on the horizon.
I am in a mood, can you tell? I've had this whole week off, and the more I think I'm getting it together, the further behind I am. Crawling into a hole isn't going to help, my struggle is not with time management... my struggle is because I have to flippin clue what to do, how to do it and where to begin doing it in the first place!!! I need to GO to school! I need a teacher. I am not a homeschool prodigy who can follow simple instructions. I need detailed, step by step instructions. I suddenly feel retarded. I don't know how to do this and the more I try to get it under control the more out of control I feel. I am turning into devil Mom...as opposed to sucky mom. I can't do it. I can't very well give up, but I am failing in the worst way. I don't even know how to ask for help.
I'll pull it together, but for now I am sad beyond tears. I can't get my head above water, I thought I was caught up only to realize that I missed 2 weeks worth of assignments in my writing class due to my own simple lack of computer knowledge. I couldn't figure out the online classroom and so I didn't see the assignments.
I know it will be okay...I just don't know when. My idea of okay is not having pressing deadlines,a nd disappointing people. I forgot dinner with a friend last night and I have yelled at my kids today. Never a good sign.
Question to myself today is...who am I trying to please? My heart, my home is with my kids. I have never had the desire to make $90k a year and miss my true calling. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to play with my girls and witness their self discovery and accomplishments. I have given that up. I was silly to think that people would respect me or be proud of me for going to school. Once again, by attempting to please everyone, I have gotten so far off track I don't even recognize myself. I know what I want I know how to best accomplish it. But in a moment of doubt, in my pit of fear and because of my addiction to mans approval I have once again failed my soul.
Time to put on my big girl panties...I have class. I will come home to kiss my sweet girls. I will complete my *mom *chores, I will check my email (feed my addiction). I will take a shower and go to bed, hopeful for tomorrow.
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