december conclusions

So as the year draws to a close I want to throw out some random thoughts that have swirling around in my mind lately.

While trying to calculate my taxes and budget for 2009, I came to the conclusion that when I think about how much $ I need...I really have the wrong idea. How many sermons have I endured about how it is not my money and I have yet to comprehend the message. I am constantly looking for ways to earn more money in order to buy a bunch of meaningless stuff. I should look at receiving a paycheck as a small token of trust given to me by me father. It is one of the small chances he gives me to prove to him that I am listening and learning and I have failed miserably. I spend far more than I make, and I rely on money as a comfort. I like to buy things for others (mainly my children)and rarely do I question how God would want me to spend the money I have in my hand. After my bills are paid, *if* I have extra it does not go into the offering plate, it goes to Starbucks or Target. When was the last time I received my paycheck as a gift instead of something that was owed to me? When was the last time I thanked God as I wrote checks for bills? When was the last time I looked at the $14 dollars I had left over and asked "God, how do you want me to use your money?". Even this is not the correct attitude because the first bill every month should be an offering and instead it goes to Bank of America to make the car payment. That being said,my list of resolutions has a #1.

Moving on...I did finish my classes and while my grades where not where *I* want them to be...they are where they *need* to be. God got me through, he gave me the knowledge and I passed. It was a huge accomplishment and I have had to let got an accept that it is not about what people think. I know what my situation was and yes there were days I could have been more diligent, I also know there were days I am proud to say I made the right choice and I spent that 5 minutes with my six year old cherishing her fleeting youth. I spent every night kissing my girls goodnight and inhaling that sweet smell of innocence.

As I mentally prepare for next semester, I cling to hope. I embrace the opportunity to change. The possibility of tomorrow. I love the chaos of my life and every day I take on a little more. It drives my friends crazy but they also know that it is who I am and they love me in spite of it. If I do not push myself how will i ever reach my potential. I lived my dream, I was a wife for 6 years. I am a Mom now and forever. Aside from that I have a blank slate of my life. I am not yet 30 and I have accomplished everything I ever thought I wanted to. Now I get to discover a whole new world. It is as if I was given a new life, a chance to do more than I ever dreamed...and what kind of fool would I be if i were to waste that? The most awesome thing is that I am free. I am free to discover this without influence...It is between God and I. I do not have a husband to submit to. My children are factors as are my family and friends but all in all I get to choose all on my own and I have endless possibilities. If i choose to take classes and work and home school Abigail, I can! I do not have to ask for permission...I just get to do what I feel God wants me to do! I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I answer to God and for the first time in my whole 27 years of living I *feel* the freedom God has given me and it is blissful. I feel as if no matter what i do...it will be exactly what God has planned therefore as long as I follow my heart (God) then I can't fail...there are not words! Only a radiant smile that makes my cheeks hurt!!

I may not know where I am going, but I know where I've been, and more importantly I know who I am following...what else could I possibly need to know?

There are more thoughts, but they will have to wait...the puppy needs to go out :-)