darkness

At first glance, what do you see? If I am smiling, is it genuine? If I am frowning, it is because I am bitter. At first glance do you see the real me, or only what you want to see.

I smile because I am content. I know life could be worse. I smile because it seems to be the only way to have people care about you, is to please them.

~Laugh and the world laughs with you ~ Weep and you weep alone~

I answer the questions correctly, tell them what they want to hear, show them who they want to think I am. I frown because when they see me for me…they leave. When I crack, if the mask slips then they have no use for me and they leave.
They tell me to be who I am…that I am rare, beautiful and genuine. Yet they want no part of that…I have no place in their inner circle.

How can I be who I am…if being who I am leaves me completely alone? What if all I have to offer, is myself, my service. But that makes me a "doormat". If I am not of service to you~I am unhappy, bitter, and alone. So let me serve. Let me drain my soul offering to you all I have, fulfilling your needs and desire. According to some, it makes me less of a woman to accept such treatment, but at least in that moment~ I am not alone.

I know I am blessed, and important to some degree…People need to care for them and I do. My children are strong, smart, healthy and funny. They make me laugh just as often as they make me cry. It is their job to test my sanity and limits. They are my reward and my education…they are my life. It is my blessing that they annoy me and not someone else. I cherish each and every moment, smile or frown. They are my priceless moments, my jewels and I would not give them up for all the money in the world much less weekly pedicures or designer jeans.

This is rare, and priceless. My heart is pure and my intentions are honest, although I try to walk a righteous path I may stumble. I am my own person whose main fault is that she loves others so eagerly and intensely it is difficult to follow her own heart. I have days where I am lost in my grief and disappointment. Do I wallow there? To some it seems I do, but it only because the pain is so intense in my heart, my disappointment is that deep. But it does not control me. I still laugh, I love, and I enjoy each moment for what it is good or bad. Why can you not see that? Why is it you choose to see me as a bitter disappointment to you? Do you not hear my laughter or witness my smiles and moments of indescribable joy?

In order to be *over* the pain, in order to be whole, must I be devoid of all emotion? Am I not allowed to feel sad? Am I not supposed to react when one of my dreams is played out in another’s life? Am I to be a statue, cold and lifeless? Is this why you tell me to medicate? I do not understand why they tell me to get over it, find myself, and be whole. Does being having feelings make me broken or worthless? Am I not enough as I am, because I *feel*? Am I not worthy of love because I feel my emotions instead of medicating them away?

I know my thoughts are scattered and difficult to read much less comprehend. I am sorry for putting this out there for you to stumble across and read. I hope that you understand this is simply the ramblings of a woman, who questions her journey and purpose. I know where my faith is planted, I am strong and determined and I am happy. I do not live in a constant state of bliss; nevertheless, I am blissfully content with my life. I do not write grammatically correct and at times, I may offend readers with my use of “you”. I write as I speak, from my heart as if to a friend. I write because at this moment I cannot pray. My faith is slipping and my heart is broken. I cry and God knows my thoughts. Today is simply a dark day and if that makes me broken or incomplete, then I guess I'm okay with that. I'd rather feel something than nothing, at least that way I know I'm still alive.