People mess up every day, in churches, homes, offices, schools, grocery stores, city parks...everywhere. Choices are made, people are hurt and life goes on. When we attack we each other for our actions, thoughts, feelings, choice of school or worship...we are going against everything we claim to believe. Have we forgotten the basic childhood story of Zacheaus? Jesus did not condemn people for anything, he loved everyone regardless. He accepts and promises us all an eternal future if we can learn to follow his example. Not just his words...but his way of life.
I understand this sounds like a joke coming from me. I still have my issues and I do not deny that. I am learning everyday as I travel my journey and some days I have setbacks when I stop and throw a temper tantrum.
The point is not to have a perfect carefree life, the point is to live every day choosing to be love and light and to ACT carefree.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
my honest hypocrisy
Many of you will be confused by this post...for this I apologize.
Have we not *ALL* sinned and fallen short? Are we not all loved and offered redemption? Is not all sin equal in our creators eyes? Are we not all ambassadors for Christ as Christians?
Then what are we doing???
Let me go first. I loathe my ex-husband for the lies and abandonment. I loathe his current wife for the pain and suffering she caused. Is this a sin in Gods eyes, Yes.
Did they commit the act of adultery, Yes.
Is this offense any more severe than my hatred or bitterness, No.
Therefore we are all guilty. I admit it. My sin is equal to theirs. Do their actions justify my feelings or my feelings justify their actions...No.
Are we all forgiven and loved, Yes. Does life go on, Yes.
How does this apply...well if you have sinned, whether by thinking impure thoughts or stealing a piece of gum, then you are as guilty as those you accuse.
I'm not at all saying sins should go unpunished. There are laws and they should be obeyed. But unless you are the actual victim or the police...then stay the freak bob out of it, Its none of your business!! Karma is quite effective, or so I hear ;-p
I'm saying this because of current events in Stephenville. I will not elaborate because its not my story to tell. I'm only saying that as "Christians" it is not our place to try and condemn. It is only our place to show love and mercy as it has been shown to us.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
And last but not least...do not condemn an entire congregation or community based on one allegation. One person is responsible for the (supposed) acts. Not the family, not the church, not the town.
Every single person on earth has issues, every sin is equal, and every person is loved and offered forgiveness and a new start.
So, lets focus on that instead of who done it, who he done it to, and who done covered it up.
Have we not *ALL* sinned and fallen short? Are we not all loved and offered redemption? Is not all sin equal in our creators eyes? Are we not all ambassadors for Christ as Christians?
Then what are we doing???
Let me go first. I loathe my ex-husband for the lies and abandonment. I loathe his current wife for the pain and suffering she caused. Is this a sin in Gods eyes, Yes.
Did they commit the act of adultery, Yes.
Is this offense any more severe than my hatred or bitterness, No.
Therefore we are all guilty. I admit it. My sin is equal to theirs. Do their actions justify my feelings or my feelings justify their actions...No.
Are we all forgiven and loved, Yes. Does life go on, Yes.
How does this apply...well if you have sinned, whether by thinking impure thoughts or stealing a piece of gum, then you are as guilty as those you accuse.
I'm not at all saying sins should go unpunished. There are laws and they should be obeyed. But unless you are the actual victim or the police...then stay the freak bob out of it, Its none of your business!! Karma is quite effective, or so I hear ;-p
I'm saying this because of current events in Stephenville. I will not elaborate because its not my story to tell. I'm only saying that as "Christians" it is not our place to try and condemn. It is only our place to show love and mercy as it has been shown to us.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
And last but not least...do not condemn an entire congregation or community based on one allegation. One person is responsible for the (supposed) acts. Not the family, not the church, not the town.
Every single person on earth has issues, every sin is equal, and every person is loved and offered forgiveness and a new start.
So, lets focus on that instead of who done it, who he done it to, and who done covered it up.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Mental/Emotional Overload!
I have to begin by saying...UGH! If you couldn't tell that was a gut-wrenching, wish I could vomit "UGHHH!!!".
There is too much. Too much going on and nothing getting done.
Shoulda coulda woulda...nonsense!
I don't have any idea what music or what colors the Mothers should wear or any of that jazz. Can someone please tell me. But don't be formal and stiff about it, this wedding needs to be (dys)FUN(ctional) so it fits me!!!
Ok, school is good, I got B's in both classes. Comp and Lit is next(Heaven help me!)
Work is breaking my heart.
I am scared, so very scared. I don't want to be married if it was like it was before. I agreed to marry Ryan KNOWING, it will be different. But still...I'm scared. I'm scared of not working, of losing the little control I worked so hard to get over my life...of disappointing someone else, or myself...like a little girl scared!
I have confidence this will be the best thing that ever happened to us...but still. I'm nervous. I think its normal...but then again I wouldn't know normal if it hit me upside the head.
There is too much. Too much going on and nothing getting done.
Shoulda coulda woulda...nonsense!
I don't have any idea what music or what colors the Mothers should wear or any of that jazz. Can someone please tell me. But don't be formal and stiff about it, this wedding needs to be (dys)FUN(ctional) so it fits me!!!
Ok, school is good, I got B's in both classes. Comp and Lit is next(Heaven help me!)
Work is breaking my heart.
I am scared, so very scared. I don't want to be married if it was like it was before. I agreed to marry Ryan KNOWING, it will be different. But still...I'm scared. I'm scared of not working, of losing the little control I worked so hard to get over my life...of disappointing someone else, or myself...like a little girl scared!
I have confidence this will be the best thing that ever happened to us...but still. I'm nervous. I think its normal...but then again I wouldn't know normal if it hit me upside the head.
Need to vent!!!
Yes according to some, my kids know too much. They are my children, therefore part of me and so I know their hearts and personality and I will answer their questions as I see fit. I do believe in protecting my children, but I also believe in honesty and open relationships and I will not taint my relationship with my children by lying to them. It will not make them love me more or less. The people I hold most dear are the one who love me enough to tell it to me straight and respect my right to disagree. Abigail and Amelia will uncover enough lies in their lifetime, I want to be responsible for as few of those as possible.
My relationship with their father is not good. It is not horrid but we do not talk because he is not honest or well, nice. He is only interested in what benefits him, if and when we negotiate it is only if he can get something extra out of it. As for his wife...she is a child of God and he will deal with her. In the meantime, I am allowed to feel the way I do. I am not required to love her...God may love her through me, but I do not have to like her behavior or attitude. I was raised treat others the way I wish to be treated and so I will continue to try and be civil to her for the sake of my children and hers. She is responsible for her own behavior.
So, if I post something that makes you think I'm crazy. I am. I will not deny it. After all, I am a Gaither but nature. But I am also very happy, loved and excited to move on with my life. I see how God has turned this situation around and has used it to shape me into the woman I am today. The divorce was not something I asked for, or wanted in any way shape or form...but it was a blessing. It was a release from a situation that never would have allowed me to bloom.
My relationship with their father is not good. It is not horrid but we do not talk because he is not honest or well, nice. He is only interested in what benefits him, if and when we negotiate it is only if he can get something extra out of it. As for his wife...she is a child of God and he will deal with her. In the meantime, I am allowed to feel the way I do. I am not required to love her...God may love her through me, but I do not have to like her behavior or attitude. I was raised treat others the way I wish to be treated and so I will continue to try and be civil to her for the sake of my children and hers. She is responsible for her own behavior.
So, if I post something that makes you think I'm crazy. I am. I will not deny it. After all, I am a Gaither but nature. But I am also very happy, loved and excited to move on with my life. I see how God has turned this situation around and has used it to shape me into the woman I am today. The divorce was not something I asked for, or wanted in any way shape or form...but it was a blessing. It was a release from a situation that never would have allowed me to bloom.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Kind words
Earlier this week I was having a meltdown moment. 3 years later, still no justice. I needed something from God to show me He was still in charge and loving me.
My love language is words of affirmation, I need to hear I am loved, not just the 3 words but they how and why of it. This week My prayers were answered. In my friends, with their words of encouragement, laughter and validation. By strangers who have never met me but see who I am through other peoples eyes and memories.
God is good. He is still here and he is still in charge and loving me! :-) It has been 3 years now since vet boy left, but this is my birthday month and so I intend to make the most of it.
It just makes it alot easier when you have people to remind you of who you really are ...instead of what they needed you to believe you were to justify what they did.
My love language is words of affirmation, I need to hear I am loved, not just the 3 words but they how and why of it. This week My prayers were answered. In my friends, with their words of encouragement, laughter and validation. By strangers who have never met me but see who I am through other peoples eyes and memories.
God is good. He is still here and he is still in charge and loving me! :-) It has been 3 years now since vet boy left, but this is my birthday month and so I intend to make the most of it.
It just makes it alot easier when you have people to remind you of who you really are ...instead of what they needed you to believe you were to justify what they did.
Friday, March 5, 2010
*** edit***
As much as it does still bother me...I have decided to have a different perspective.
She must still very much envy being *me*. You see, she wanted my husband. She got him but it wasn't enough...so then they decided they did want to be part of the girls lives after months of not seeing them. And so the visitation began. But even then...something was still missing. So she planned yet another wedding, bought who knows how many dresses, she married Brent and now they are having a baby and the icing on that cake is that she followed in my footsteps and is naming the baby with an "A" and hoping and praying she can deliver on the 19th...just like me! Well, I am deeply saddened for her. She may desire my life, she may desire whatever confident vibes I put off...but no matter what she does she will never be Jinon. She cannot be Abigail and Amelia's Mom, she can never be Brent's first wife. She will never be all that I was to him or to these children. She will have her own child and I hope she figures out sooner rather than later that the world does not revolve around her. She is in fact that very reason I believe as strongly as I do about parents who lie to their offspring and make them believe they are the center on the universe.
I'm getting off track....my point is this. I choose to see this as a case of imitation being the most sincere form of flattery. She loves my children, she loves the man I helped Brent become and she loves the life I had...and so she is trying to recreate it. No matter how hard she tries, this is one thing she can't have no matter how big a fit she throws. She can't because she is lacking the main ingredient~Me!! :-D
I have so many things I want to say, but I do not know where to begin. My mind is constipated. I like saying what I felt, it was liberating and therapeutic. But then people messed with my life, my blog and my head and I stopped. And now there is so much that was never released, it is poisoning me.
Go back 3 years. She was at my baby shower, she ogled my husband in front of me and had the audacity to tell me she wasn't in love with him. She was lying to herself and I made myself accept her lies. And now she is playing mommy to my children. Ugh. Will this ever cease to bring up my lunch?
She has no idea what I know. I doubt Brent was ever honest with her. He was too busy being seduced. They treat me as if I do not exist. The girls must fly to them every other Friday on a magic carpet and then disappear into thin air for the time in between. There is no Jinon. I'd really like to know what *I* did to *her* that was so wretched and wrong.
It would be so much easier to get over if she was not still trying to steal my life.
She told my child this weekend they are naming the baby Aven so all the girls will start with "A' and she hopes the baby is born on the 19th so they will have the same birthday. I swear...I have to take solace in the fact there is nothing she can do to remove my DNA from Abigail or Amelia, not matter what she lies about, hopes for or buys, they are still and forever will be, my daughters.
Perhaps it would not irk me so had Brent not specifically vetoed and and all "odd" names because he never wanted his children to feel ostracized or different. For goodness sake I couldn't use names like EmmaLee because of how I wanted to spell it(to honor my grandmother), it sounded too hick. Or the fact that I had to put my babies in the bed to sleep alone at 2 months because he refused to share our bed, yet now our 3 year old sleeps in the bed with them and is consequently having MAJOR sleep issues. How do you combat this...I have no idea, I lose every day and my soul is dying. It's not a fiery car crash, but Mary still gets her wish.
As much as it does still bother me...I have decided to have a different perspective.
She must still very much envy being *me*. You see, she wanted my husband. She got him but it wasn't enough...so then they decided they did want to be part of the girls lives after months of not seeing them. And so the visitation began. But even then...something was still missing. So she planned yet another wedding, bought who knows how many dresses, she married Brent and now they are having a baby and the icing on that cake is that she followed in my footsteps and is naming the baby with an "A" and hoping and praying she can deliver on the 19th...just like me! Well, I am deeply saddened for her. She may desire my life, she may desire whatever confident vibes I put off...but no matter what she does she will never be Jinon. She cannot be Abigail and Amelia's Mom, she can never be Brent's first wife. She will never be all that I was to him or to these children. She will have her own child and I hope she figures out sooner rather than later that the world does not revolve around her. She is in fact that very reason I believe as strongly as I do about parents who lie to their offspring and make them believe they are the center on the universe.
I'm getting off track....my point is this. I choose to see this as a case of imitation being the most sincere form of flattery. She loves my children, she loves the man I helped Brent become and she loves the life I had...and so she is trying to recreate it. No matter how hard she tries, this is one thing she can't have no matter how big a fit she throws. She can't because she is lacking the main ingredient~Me!! :-D
I have so many things I want to say, but I do not know where to begin. My mind is constipated. I like saying what I felt, it was liberating and therapeutic. But then people messed with my life, my blog and my head and I stopped. And now there is so much that was never released, it is poisoning me.
Go back 3 years. She was at my baby shower, she ogled my husband in front of me and had the audacity to tell me she wasn't in love with him. She was lying to herself and I made myself accept her lies. And now she is playing mommy to my children. Ugh. Will this ever cease to bring up my lunch?
She has no idea what I know. I doubt Brent was ever honest with her. He was too busy being seduced. They treat me as if I do not exist. The girls must fly to them every other Friday on a magic carpet and then disappear into thin air for the time in between. There is no Jinon. I'd really like to know what *I* did to *her* that was so wretched and wrong.
It would be so much easier to get over if she was not still trying to steal my life.
She told my child this weekend they are naming the baby Aven so all the girls will start with "A' and she hopes the baby is born on the 19th so they will have the same birthday. I swear...I have to take solace in the fact there is nothing she can do to remove my DNA from Abigail or Amelia, not matter what she lies about, hopes for or buys, they are still and forever will be, my daughters.
Perhaps it would not irk me so had Brent not specifically vetoed and and all "odd" names because he never wanted his children to feel ostracized or different. For goodness sake I couldn't use names like EmmaLee because of how I wanted to spell it(to honor my grandmother), it sounded too hick. Or the fact that I had to put my babies in the bed to sleep alone at 2 months because he refused to share our bed, yet now our 3 year old sleeps in the bed with them and is consequently having MAJOR sleep issues. How do you combat this...I have no idea, I lose every day and my soul is dying. It's not a fiery car crash, but Mary still gets her wish.
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