The last 2 weeks have been a blur, but I guess that is typical for having just had a baby. Axel is such a sweet boy, despite having his days and nights mixed up. He is most alert between 11pm and 3 am...and I am still enjoying it. I do however, feel the need to try and "fix" this before the girls get home. So tonight he is sitting in his bouncy seat instead of me holding him. Its been a challenge because I can't really let him fuss because Ryan has to be at work at 6am and so I am trying to make sure he gets his rest. Axel and I can catch up in the mornings. Even when the girls get home, we will have a few days where I'll just let them come snuggle in bed with me and the boy. I think it will be good bonding time!
Have I mentioned I am so, so ready for my girls to be home! Aside from wanting them to meet Axel, I NEED some Abi and Mia hugs! Axel is such a delicious little baby, but he doesn't in any way shape or form replace my baby girls. Once I get all my babies home with me~my heart may burst!
I didn't have any idea how precious (and needed) this time would be...the time to actually rest. To lounge in bed and allow Axel to nurse on demand, there are no words to describe this luxury. I am so very grateful for this opportunity to recover and get to know this little guy. He is such a Mamas boy! I have been good and I have shared him with Ryan, but he prefers to be in my arms and I of course, think that is exactly how it should be! ;-p He has even smiled a few times~(oddly enough when I am fussin at him about how he should be sleeping at 2am) but mostly he is a serious, observant fellow. He is strong and if his current eating schedule is any indication he will be a chunk in no time!
In other areas, I am struggling. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I am lonely. Ryan is doing a great job, he is an excellent father and he is really making an effort to take care of me. I'm not making it very easy though...I've become so independent that I pretty much despise the idea of allowing anyone to take care of me. I'd rather just do it on my own. So we struggle there because he feels like he *should* take care of me, and part of me feels like he *should* spoil me a little bit, but unless I specify~how is a man suppose to know what to do. I guess in short, we still have some work to do in the communication department. We only have the rest of our lives to figure that out, Ha!
As I sit here tonight my mind is a raging sea...replaying past events, dreaming about the future, I guess its because I'm tired...but I couldn't sleep if I tried. My heart feels things I cannot say out loud. Which in itself is excruciating. Yet there is peace because even in the midst of this current chaos~I know the story has a happy ending. But in order to get there, you have to ends certain chapters so you can move on to the next. I don't like the end of this chapter, this waiting room that has been my home for so long is too comfortable to leave. Funny how that happens. I keep going back to my memories and replaying the "what ifs" in my head, because they are what I know. Change and uncertainty are looming ahead~and for the first time in a long time I am scared. This is how my hormones get all whacked out after having a baby. Irrational fears. Tomorrow my Mom will be here, then Friday a few of my sisters will be here and we will go get Abigail and Amelia and I will see my friends. I will enjoy a few hours of company and my heart will not be lonely. So tonight I will find rest and solace in the joyful anticipation of tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Life with Axel Jude
As of 11:25 last Tuesday, July 12th 2011, our lives are forever changed. Axel Jude arrived quickly, shocking the Dr by weighing in at 8lbs and 5oz and measuring 20.5 in. I kept telling people he was gonna be a big baby. I love being right! :-)
He is doing great, eating often and at his 5 day appt he impressed his pedi because not only had he gained back the few ounces lost, he had gone over his birth weight! This little man is gonna be a hoss!
He is figuring out the sleeping thing slowly but surely. I have to remind myself he is just a week old and not to be impatient. I want him to stay little even if it means a few sleepless nights. I have enjoyed those nights with all of my kids, that precious alone time where it is just us and its quiet. I have a hard time going back to sleep because I am fascinated with the wonder that is my child. It never gets old to observe a newborn child. Life is such an amazing journey, I can't help but think back to Abigail and Amelia as babies. They grow so fast. I stare at Axel and try to soak in every moment because I know all too soon he will be a chubby infant not a newborn. Then I will blink and he will be a toddler, then a kid...all too soon he will be a man.
I pray he will grow strong, have a kind heart and a wise soul. I pray so many things for this child...but most of all I pray thankful prayers. I am thankful that he is here and I get to be his Mom. There is no greater blessing than my children.
Abigail and Amelia are enjoying the east coast, and even though I miss them more than words can say~ I am grateful that they get to have these experiences and time with family. When they get home I will be rested and Axel will be a little more responsive which I think they will appreciate more than his current grubworm stage, haha!
My cup overflows :-)
He is doing great, eating often and at his 5 day appt he impressed his pedi because not only had he gained back the few ounces lost, he had gone over his birth weight! This little man is gonna be a hoss!
He is figuring out the sleeping thing slowly but surely. I have to remind myself he is just a week old and not to be impatient. I want him to stay little even if it means a few sleepless nights. I have enjoyed those nights with all of my kids, that precious alone time where it is just us and its quiet. I have a hard time going back to sleep because I am fascinated with the wonder that is my child. It never gets old to observe a newborn child. Life is such an amazing journey, I can't help but think back to Abigail and Amelia as babies. They grow so fast. I stare at Axel and try to soak in every moment because I know all too soon he will be a chubby infant not a newborn. Then I will blink and he will be a toddler, then a kid...all too soon he will be a man.
I pray he will grow strong, have a kind heart and a wise soul. I pray so many things for this child...but most of all I pray thankful prayers. I am thankful that he is here and I get to be his Mom. There is no greater blessing than my children.
Abigail and Amelia are enjoying the east coast, and even though I miss them more than words can say~ I am grateful that they get to have these experiences and time with family. When they get home I will be rested and Axel will be a little more responsive which I think they will appreciate more than his current grubworm stage, haha!
My cup overflows :-)
Monday, July 11, 2011
Life before the boy
Tomorrow is the day from what they tell me. The day my life will once again be changed irrevocably, by a boy. A boy who will steal my heart, hang the moon, be my world and then leave.
No, this is not the same old, same old...this will be the story of my son.
Tomorrow, assuming all goes according to plan I will be counting toes and kissing sweet baby boy cheeks and marveling at the goodness of life. I am beyond excited!!!
I have a few brothers, and I've played surrogate mom to a few boys so I don't feel completely unprepared...heck, according to my plan I was gonna have 3 boys first then get my girl. But God had a different plan. A much, much different plan. I am sure tomorrow will be the furthest thing from "my plan" as that seems to be how life goes, hahaha! Back to the point~ tomorrow I won't just play mommy to a boy, I will become Mommy to a boy, to my boy, and I can't think of a greater gift!
Now, a note to my girls...
Just because I blogged about Axel, does not in any way mean that I love you girls less. Or that I don't miss you so much it hurts! It just means that my heart got a little bit bigger, as will your hearts when you meet him. I am so lucky that God had a different plan and that He sent you two into my life first. You girls have made me the mom I am today and I wouldn't trade that for ANYTHING!!!!!!
Some times we have to take detours~and Abigail, as you are realizing sometimes those detours are really not fun. But the good news is, that in the end, we all end up exactly where we need to be, surrounded by people who love us for who we are and happier than we could have dreamed. And the moments of sadness and disappointment help us appreciate the happy moments so much more!
Abigail, you will forever be my first born. You made me a Mom. You are my saving grace and my joy beyond explanation. You amaze me everyday, even when you are not here with me, I am just so proud of the person you are and the potential you have.
Amelia, you are my angel baby. You are my hope and the super bright light in our lives. You mean so much to me, you filled an empty place in my heart before I even knew it was empty.
We don't know yet how this boy will change our lives, no doubt he will make a lot of crazy big messes, but I think you girls will adore him and I know he will adore you both and drive you insane!
So, here goes nothing! :-)
No, this is not the same old, same old...this will be the story of my son.
Tomorrow, assuming all goes according to plan I will be counting toes and kissing sweet baby boy cheeks and marveling at the goodness of life. I am beyond excited!!!
I have a few brothers, and I've played surrogate mom to a few boys so I don't feel completely unprepared...heck, according to my plan I was gonna have 3 boys first then get my girl. But God had a different plan. A much, much different plan. I am sure tomorrow will be the furthest thing from "my plan" as that seems to be how life goes, hahaha! Back to the point~ tomorrow I won't just play mommy to a boy, I will become Mommy to a boy, to my boy, and I can't think of a greater gift!
Now, a note to my girls...
Just because I blogged about Axel, does not in any way mean that I love you girls less. Or that I don't miss you so much it hurts! It just means that my heart got a little bit bigger, as will your hearts when you meet him. I am so lucky that God had a different plan and that He sent you two into my life first. You girls have made me the mom I am today and I wouldn't trade that for ANYTHING!!!!!!
Some times we have to take detours~and Abigail, as you are realizing sometimes those detours are really not fun. But the good news is, that in the end, we all end up exactly where we need to be, surrounded by people who love us for who we are and happier than we could have dreamed. And the moments of sadness and disappointment help us appreciate the happy moments so much more!
Abigail, you will forever be my first born. You made me a Mom. You are my saving grace and my joy beyond explanation. You amaze me everyday, even when you are not here with me, I am just so proud of the person you are and the potential you have.
Amelia, you are my angel baby. You are my hope and the super bright light in our lives. You mean so much to me, you filled an empty place in my heart before I even knew it was empty.
We don't know yet how this boy will change our lives, no doubt he will make a lot of crazy big messes, but I think you girls will adore him and I know he will adore you both and drive you insane!
So, here goes nothing! :-)
Friday, July 1, 2011
July
I was really praying fro a June baby...and today is July first. I suppose I should be thankful for "unanswered" prayers. Im trying to be patient...but I can only clean the house so many times before I get anxious! The girls leave on Monday for the remainder of the month. My Philosophy class ends next Friday. Then what?!
I don't handle "free" time well, I need to know whats lined up next. I need to be busy. I detest standing still. Hmmmm...
We keep coming back to this don't we. Will I ever learn?
I don't handle "free" time well, I need to know whats lined up next. I need to be busy. I detest standing still. Hmmmm...
We keep coming back to this don't we. Will I ever learn?
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