The last 2 weeks have been a blur, but I guess that is typical for having just had a baby. Axel is such a sweet boy, despite having his days and nights mixed up. He is most alert between 11pm and 3 am...and I am still enjoying it. I do however, feel the need to try and "fix" this before the girls get home. So tonight he is sitting in his bouncy seat instead of me holding him. Its been a challenge because I can't really let him fuss because Ryan has to be at work at 6am and so I am trying to make sure he gets his rest. Axel and I can catch up in the mornings. Even when the girls get home, we will have a few days where I'll just let them come snuggle in bed with me and the boy. I think it will be good bonding time!
Have I mentioned I am so, so ready for my girls to be home! Aside from wanting them to meet Axel, I NEED some Abi and Mia hugs! Axel is such a delicious little baby, but he doesn't in any way shape or form replace my baby girls. Once I get all my babies home with me~my heart may burst!
I didn't have any idea how precious (and needed) this time would be...the time to actually rest. To lounge in bed and allow Axel to nurse on demand, there are no words to describe this luxury. I am so very grateful for this opportunity to recover and get to know this little guy. He is such a Mamas boy! I have been good and I have shared him with Ryan, but he prefers to be in my arms and I of course, think that is exactly how it should be! ;-p He has even smiled a few times~(oddly enough when I am fussin at him about how he should be sleeping at 2am) but mostly he is a serious, observant fellow. He is strong and if his current eating schedule is any indication he will be a chunk in no time!
In other areas, I am struggling. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I am lonely. Ryan is doing a great job, he is an excellent father and he is really making an effort to take care of me. I'm not making it very easy though...I've become so independent that I pretty much despise the idea of allowing anyone to take care of me. I'd rather just do it on my own. So we struggle there because he feels like he *should* take care of me, and part of me feels like he *should* spoil me a little bit, but unless I specify~how is a man suppose to know what to do. I guess in short, we still have some work to do in the communication department. We only have the rest of our lives to figure that out, Ha!
As I sit here tonight my mind is a raging sea...replaying past events, dreaming about the future, I guess its because I'm tired...but I couldn't sleep if I tried. My heart feels things I cannot say out loud. Which in itself is excruciating. Yet there is peace because even in the midst of this current chaos~I know the story has a happy ending. But in order to get there, you have to ends certain chapters so you can move on to the next. I don't like the end of this chapter, this waiting room that has been my home for so long is too comfortable to leave. Funny how that happens. I keep going back to my memories and replaying the "what ifs" in my head, because they are what I know. Change and uncertainty are looming ahead~and for the first time in a long time I am scared. This is how my hormones get all whacked out after having a baby. Irrational fears. Tomorrow my Mom will be here, then Friday a few of my sisters will be here and we will go get Abigail and Amelia and I will see my friends. I will enjoy a few hours of company and my heart will not be lonely. So tonight I will find rest and solace in the joyful anticipation of tomorrow.
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