Even before time

I was loved. This is an obscure thought for me...I was lucky enough to grow up with parents that loved me before I was born and raised me to know that God loved me before he created me in my Mother's womb. However, to think that God loved me, even before the creation of the earth...is almost too much for me to comprehend. I am loved beyond my comprehension! :-)

I hope I can get through this, my fingers keeping up with and properly sorting my thoughts so that this blog (somewhat) makes sense.

Over a year ago, I printed out the worksheets from a conference at a church that one of my fb friends helped with. I cannot tell you exactly when it did this...just that it was quite a while ago and that I moved the blank sheets with me with the intention of "one day" working thru them.

I have come across them several times, scanned over them, and moved them from one pile to another but never truly taking them time to "do" them. Until today, I walked into the office, pulled them out and began reading them with an inquisitive, open heart.

WOW!

I have been struggling and for the last few days, I've been asking God to show me why this struggle is necessary. I've come to learn that God uses my children as a mirror for my relationship with Him. Today I learned that He also uses my marriage.

Today I looked at my struggles through a different lens and realized that I am fearful in my marriage and in my relationship with God.

*this is not a sermon...this is simply for my personal need to process and document*

A few key points that spoke to me,

I was loved, created, chosen, destined for perfection and empowered, not from the beginning...but even before time. Like always and forever, infinity!

Kids are fond of this word...infinity but as adults, we forget what it means...that has never been a time when we were not loved. There has never been a moment we were not wanted. There was never a moment where we were powerless.

There are only moments we forget.

We are free. Free to be powerful. Free to be peaceful and powerful. He does not just love us and provide our basic needs...he has empowered us (empower: to give official power and legal authority, to enable"). It is up to us to accept the power and have confidence in it.

The reason this is speaking to me is that I have been hesitant in my marriage. I have allowed the pain of past failures and accusations to control my actions and feelings. I have been afraid. In this fear, I have closed myself off, to avoid pain. I have not allowed myself to be cared for. The fear has led to pride and stubborn hesitation.

I am not here because I earned it; I am here because I was chosen. Not because of what I could do or be...but just because I am.

I have to make myself at home. In my marriage, in my relationship with God, with myself.

I am so thankful that God knows what I need before I do. That he led me to the website and that my printer had ink in it so that I could print these pages out, way before the moment when they would "speak" to me.

Had I read these pages a year ago, I probably would have thrown them away.

It is not only knowing you are loved, but also that with this love, comes a promise of authority. I do not have to ask permission.

I need to have a sincere heart, accepting, trusting, and confident in all areas of this relationship as a reflection of my relationship with Christ.

There is nothing for me to prove or earn. I am not loved for the services provided, I am loved because He loves to love me, and it is what he wants to do because it gives him great pleasure.

Let him love you.