heart speaks

Before, is not now and no longer matters in how today will go. Today is all that I have...this second, moment, day. Do...what you can. Stop reflecting. Stop planning...LIVE. Yes, things may have gone a different way had you done things differently. But they didn't, but daydreaming is not going to alter the course of your life today.

There are things I need to address, but I lack the knowledge of "how" to go about it. Fear stops me and holds me prisoner. I fear that nothing will change, or that it will. I don't know what words to say, what face to make, what tone to employ. I lack communication skills, I am like majorly deficit in that department.

I thought that maybe I could just pray about it and God would "fix" it. That is not happening. I'm gonna have to put forth some effort if I expect results. Trying is not cutting it.

Clarification...everything is fine. Everything is better than fine. I have no right to complain. But at the same time...life is mediocre at best, and we all deserve better. But it is not gonna get better on its own. Kinda like learning...if you are not moving forward, you are losing ground. There is no standing still in life. Unless you are trapped in the waiting room, but even then chances are you are hiding.

I have these lists in my mind, diagnoses of the problems in my life and relationships, and how to go about solving them. My pinterest boards are quickly filling up with my fantasy life. This week I have faced the ugly monster hiding in my soul. I have more than a few problems, addictions, weaknesses and they are not going to just go away or be hidden any longer.

I do not smoke or drink or gamble. I shop. It is my compulsive addiction. I *shop* various sites, putting all of these items in my "cart" then I click the X. No damage done. But also nothing fixed and hours of my life wasted. I look to *things* to fulfill me. Not just for me, I shop hoping to get recognition for others. (below is not a conscious dialog, but what has been revealed to me.)

"Look I bought this for you. I see you, I listen to you, I think about you and I thought this would show you all of those things. Don't you love it, Don't you love me for loving you? oh, well then fine, I'll love me."

When I am not shopping, I am living an alternate life on the internet. Through facebook I am a very social person with lots of friends, when in reality I am a freakin hermit lonely as hell.I also Edit my pictures, whitening my teeth, coloring my hair. Making a better, make believe version of myself when most days I barely brush my hair. I play pretend instead of living my life.

I chew gum...I *need* something in my mouth. I'll just chew gum...packets (plural) a day! This is not smoking...but the motivation is the same. I have an oral fixation. It makes me no different than a smoker. I lack the self disipline to stop eating, or work out but in my mind, if I chew gum then I do not eat (as much) and the food I do eat, digests quicker. I have messed up my mind so much so that if I do not have gum to chew immediately after eating, my stomach physically hurts until I get a piece of gum or I eat more.

I need therapy. But I'd rather spend money on clothes that I don't wear because I never go anywhere. According to my online shopping carts I am very fashionable and my house is AWESOME...in reality my house is as plain and stained as the jeans and t-shirts I wear.

I say I don't half @$$ things. This is a lie. I half @$$ life. I put forth alot of effort, in alot of areas. Selfishly. The things I complain about...I could change. But then what? What happens if things change? What happens is that it is *supposed* to get better, but I lack the confidence that it will. I fear that nothing will change and then I will have been vulnerable for nothing and that, feels like rejection to me. Stop judging...stop hiding...let people in, tell them what you want or need. They don't know how to read your mind, but this DOES NOT mean they don't care about you.

I love my kids. I love my husband. And all I want is to be loved in return. But do they know how to love me? How can I expect them to know my love language if I don't communicate. How can I expect them to feel loved if I don't speak their language?

All of this gobbledegook...means nothing unless I make it mean something. So listen to your heart, get off you @$$, take a risk, love, and change your life!

Thankful for mundane mondays!

After the weekend we just had...thank you God for a blah day! Thankful for the opportunity to be stuck at home, inside so that I could get some stuff done around the house. Not much, much a start :-)

Today I am hearing that voice, telling me to do something I really don't wanna! I do not want to spend $ I don't have on someone who will not appreciate it. But I hear the voice, yelling at me now...and I am pretty sure if I continue to ignore it bad stuff will happen. Doing it probably won't cause good stuff to happen but at least (hopefully) it won't make things worse! (Insert silent prayer!)

Ok, ok. I guess I have something else to go do...as I grit my teeth.

If only I had more ambition...

Then I would be writing to tell you all that I have decided to go to Med school. However, this is not the case. Not because I don't think I could do it. The last few years have taught me I can do anything I decide to do, but the truth is that I am lazy. Yes, I said it. LAAAAAZZYYYYY! Instead I will continue to recognize 97% of my kids symptoms and link them with the correct diagnoses, and I will continue to be annoyed that I have to go to the Dr and pay the co-pay only to have the Dr confirm my suspicions and then I will still complain about the fact that my Mother is more informative than said Dr. Urghhh! Yes I am "that" person.

I am also "that" mom. The one who excuses her child's annoying habits and behavior as "just being Mia". I hate that I have become that parent, but even more than my self hate...I loathe people who talk about my kid with disdain. I am glad to have finally learned that I have the ability to distance myself from "those" people. If you love my kid, then freakin love my kid~ good, bad & ugly because thats what love is. Love is not Like...it is putting up with the shizznit that you don't want to put up with because you value the person. Glech!

In short, I'm in a bad mood. I just am, annoyed as all get out with life, people & even though my kids drive me crazy bonkers, they are my kids and you better watch what you say about my kids, cuz I am one mean Momma bear!

On the other side of that....

I love the smell of a clean bathroom and multiple loads of clean, folded laundry. I rejoice over a well planned menu, stocked pantry and full bellies. I adore the plethora of ideas currently residing on my pinterest boards. I am enthralled with my son's smiles and my daughters hugs. I am blessed with friends who listen to my incessantly repetitive complaints about my mundane life and how they gently remind me to shut the haybob up and be grateful for what I have. I appreciate my siblings and their ability to make me laugh and the fact that they "get" me more every single day. I am abundantly happy, despite the nasty realist streak that refuses to be disguised.


And I am more confident than ever that if you don't like me for who I am...then you know where the door is. Happy Friday Y'all! :-)

Wahoo for Wednesday!

I wanted to take a quick second to express my gratitude for the following services that are making my life so much easier here lately!

First off, Schwans! I love that I can get healthy, delicious food delivered right to my door. As I now have 3 munchkins, grocery shopping is increasingly more difficult and when I took the time to actually compare the prices (adding in the saved time and sanity) Schwans came out on top! Yes, you pay more up front...but consider that fact that most foods come prepared, there are multiple serving sin the veggie bags, you save time (gas) going to the store, and you save your sanity by having the food delivered! I only have to go to the store for milk!

Ok, I am not completely spoiled. I do not get ALL of my groceries from schwans, but I am starting to see that for this phase in our lives, this is a much better alternative to sonic, jack in the box or whatever drive thru is on the way home! The fact that the food is yummy is the cherry on top! :-)

Also, have you heard about toygaroo?! If not take a few seconds to check it out. This is a toy rental service, Genius! You can test toys before you buy them, play with them for a few months and then ship them back. I love this because it decreases the clutter in my house from accumulating toys (because the kids are always getting bored and wanting "new" toys) and saves me the trouble of having to sort through, clean and haul "old" toys to goodwill or the reasale shop. This allows you play with the toys till the kids get bored, mail them back and get some new ones! You can get 3-5 new toys every month for the price of 1! This is especially helpful with those expensive baby toys that they only play with for a couple of months!! Would be PERFECT for grandparents, new parents, aunt and uncles or daycare providers! ;-)

I was not paid to write this...just wanted to share some of the things making my life a little bit less stressful at the moment! Happy Wednesday y'all! :-)

As simple as ABC.

It is October. Of all the months, this would be my least favorite. But even though I am not a Halloween fan, I can appreciate a few things. My goal for this month is to take time to reflect over the past year and be thankful. This time last year, I was just getting over the miscarriage and fighting with the IRS. And now here I sit, staring at this beautiful baby boy!

I am super excited to do pumpkins, to take pictures with my family (and sisters!) and start our Thankful tree. Then there will be Thanksgiving and Christmas and then New Years! Let's get this party started!

My first (of what I hope will be many) Thankful activity is an idea from my forever friend Larnie lou. Counting your blessing is as simple as ABC...

A~ I am thankful beyond words for my "crazy A's". Abigail, Amelia and Axel Jude. Their lives are simply the BEST thing that I have ever been able to participate in.

B~Blue skies. The sky is almost ALWAYS blue, in one shade or another. Yes, at sunset it has glorious streaks of red, orange, pink or purple...but if you look from horizon to horizon there is ALWAYS blue somewhere, whether the very lightest or darkest of shades. Then of course there are those shades of blue that penetrate your soul and stop you in your tracks. Blue resonates peace within my soul as it reminds me to breathe deeply and reflect of what soothes me.

C~Chaos. Through that past couple of years I have grown accustom to chaos, heck, I think I've learned to embrace it. The thing is, I have this tenancy to get these marvelous tension headaches and somewhere along this crazy road it occurred to me that in the midst of the chaos I can FREAK out and tense up every nerve in my body and end up in bed...or I can BREATHE and rest assured that the moment of chaos will pass. When it does finally subside, it will have left a "pearl" so to speak in its wake. That is why I am thankful for the chaos that is my life as a Gaither-Sanders-McCormick!

D-Dad. I am thankful for all the Dads in my life. My Quirky Dad, my girls Father, their Step -Dad, their surrogate Dads (uncles) and my surrogate Dads...Kyle and Dale to name a few. These men have left an impression on my life and the lives of my children and I am so thankful for the guidance and protection they have offered.

E- eggs. The incredible edible egg. :-) Couldn't resist that one. Eggs are a staple source of nutrition around here. Whether scrambled, boiled or in brownies as we've been known to indulge in for breakfast. Sure there are probably better things I could have put for E, but today this is what came to mind and it was fun so there ya have it.

F-FAMILY! This weekend as I was talking to my sisters about kids, I told them I felt like it took a family to raise kids. Not just a biological family, but everyone you feel so inclined to include in that circle. Our circle is so very large and is still growing and I LOVE it! I can't wait till all my siblings are married and have kiddos. Y'all think us Gaithers are a force to reckoned with now...just you wait!

G-grub. or food as some may call it. I love food and this is somewhat of a recent realization. I don't think I tasted food until just a few years ago. I certainly never explored or experimented with it like I have recently. I am not a cook or chef by nature, but I am an eater! I get excited about food and the possibilities. This is one of the areas in my life I wish we had robots or clones. That way I could conjure up these ideas in my head and someone (something) else would create them in my kitchen for me to enjoy! Yes, grub is certainly a blessing in my life!

H-Home. I am grateful that we have a house, but more so that we have a home. I am grateful that I have been able to provide the girls with that throughout everything we have been through. Not just 4 walls and a roof, but the love and security that surrounds you and make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I-internet. Thanks to this wonderful invention I am able to stay in touch with all of my families, pursue my education, and retain my sanity! :-p

J- well there are so many things that star with J that I am thankful for and I am certain that you can figure that one out on your own. Let's just say I love my J's and in another life I most certainly would have carried on my Daddy's tradition of name all my creatures with J's. But between the Gaithers and the Duggers, I think J is getting plenty of recognition. So another "j" thing I am appreciative of is the journey. The journey I am on and all I have because of it. My journey is certainly a great thing and I am learning more and more every day just how much more fun the journey is than the destination!

K-kids. Kids are a reflection of us, in our relationships. A vision, of our future and reminder to slow down and appreciate what we have when we have it. How many of you would love to travel back to your childhood for just one day to relive those carefree moments playing hide and go seek and enjoying the Popsicle as it drips down your arm and laughing~Oh to be able to laugh like a little girl again. Which leads right into...

L-LAUGHTER! Is there any medicine that is so sweet as laughter? I truly believe that the ability to laugh is one of our greatest powers!

M-My momma. I've written many times about this lady but it is worth repeating. My Mom is awesome and I feel so lucky that God picked her to raise not only me but all my siblings. And I am so thankful for the way the she choose to raise us. I have to say, I think she did a spectacular job, even when she may not think so. I hope my kids turn out half as good as hers did.

N- Night time. I LOVE night time, the calm relief from a hectic day, the stars, the SLEEP! :-)

O-October. While it is not secret that this is not my favorite month, I can still be thankful for the hidden blessings of cooler weather and the fact that it signals approaching holidays!

P- pickle pot children. It is no secret that I love my kids, but I am also thankful for all the other pickle pots who have worked their way in to my heart.

Q-quarters. :-) I am thankful for the quarters Nalise Jenia donated to the "keep the children happy" fund at the mall last night! :-)

R-Rain! So, very, extremely, overwhelmingly thankful for the rain!

S- Soldiers. Like My brother and sister. SO proud of what they do. No matter what anyone says, or the bed experiences some of us may have had with a few, I am grateful every day that there are people willing to step up in the face of adversity and protect what they love. It is easy to talk smack...it is hard to keep your mouth shut and fight to bestow the freedom to talk that smack to others. Hooah!

T-trees. I love me some trees! They remind me of my youth, of strength, promise and hope. I like flowers too...but if you want to get me something special...make it a tree to show that love withstands the storms.

U-uncles...my kids uncles that is. I have to brag a bit and say that my baby brothers are the bestest uncles these kiddos could have. God sure knew what he was doing there. :-)

V-voices. Especially the developing voice of my little guy. Those first coo's, then the grunts, the ahh's and now the "Guh" and "Kuh", soon to be joined with those priceless "huh, huh, huh"...giggles. Yes, I am so happy to hear this tiny voice.

W-water, fresh clean abundant drinking water. I don't really like the taste of water (at all) but I adore the way being hydrated makes me feel (and look) and I am grateful that this is something that I have access to everyday in my home.

X-I honestly have no clue on this one. Pass :-)

Y-You. Whoever you may be. You reading my blog and I am thankful for that. I may never know you, but I pray that as you read this you are inspired to take inventory in your own life of your blessings and that this Holiday season will be a treasure to you.

Zzzzz. As in sleep. I am so thankful for the ability to sleep. This is another blessing I have taken for granted. The fact that I am able to sleep, to quiet my mind and that my children are such amazing sleepers is probably one of my most generous blessings!