heart speaks

Before, is not now and no longer matters in how today will go. Today is all that I have...this second, moment, day. Do...what you can. Stop reflecting. Stop planning...LIVE. Yes, things may have gone a different way had you done things differently. But they didn't, but daydreaming is not going to alter the course of your life today.

There are things I need to address, but I lack the knowledge of "how" to go about it. Fear stops me and holds me prisoner. I fear that nothing will change, or that it will. I don't know what words to say, what face to make, what tone to employ. I lack communication skills, I am like majorly deficit in that department.

I thought that maybe I could just pray about it and God would "fix" it. That is not happening. I'm gonna have to put forth some effort if I expect results. Trying is not cutting it.

Clarification...everything is fine. Everything is better than fine. I have no right to complain. But at the same time...life is mediocre at best, and we all deserve better. But it is not gonna get better on its own. Kinda like learning...if you are not moving forward, you are losing ground. There is no standing still in life. Unless you are trapped in the waiting room, but even then chances are you are hiding.

I have these lists in my mind, diagnoses of the problems in my life and relationships, and how to go about solving them. My pinterest boards are quickly filling up with my fantasy life. This week I have faced the ugly monster hiding in my soul. I have more than a few problems, addictions, weaknesses and they are not going to just go away or be hidden any longer.

I do not smoke or drink or gamble. I shop. It is my compulsive addiction. I *shop* various sites, putting all of these items in my "cart" then I click the X. No damage done. But also nothing fixed and hours of my life wasted. I look to *things* to fulfill me. Not just for me, I shop hoping to get recognition for others. (below is not a conscious dialog, but what has been revealed to me.)

"Look I bought this for you. I see you, I listen to you, I think about you and I thought this would show you all of those things. Don't you love it, Don't you love me for loving you? oh, well then fine, I'll love me."

When I am not shopping, I am living an alternate life on the internet. Through facebook I am a very social person with lots of friends, when in reality I am a freakin hermit lonely as hell.I also Edit my pictures, whitening my teeth, coloring my hair. Making a better, make believe version of myself when most days I barely brush my hair. I play pretend instead of living my life.

I chew gum...I *need* something in my mouth. I'll just chew gum...packets (plural) a day! This is not smoking...but the motivation is the same. I have an oral fixation. It makes me no different than a smoker. I lack the self disipline to stop eating, or work out but in my mind, if I chew gum then I do not eat (as much) and the food I do eat, digests quicker. I have messed up my mind so much so that if I do not have gum to chew immediately after eating, my stomach physically hurts until I get a piece of gum or I eat more.

I need therapy. But I'd rather spend money on clothes that I don't wear because I never go anywhere. According to my online shopping carts I am very fashionable and my house is AWESOME...in reality my house is as plain and stained as the jeans and t-shirts I wear.

I say I don't half @$$ things. This is a lie. I half @$$ life. I put forth alot of effort, in alot of areas. Selfishly. The things I complain about...I could change. But then what? What happens if things change? What happens is that it is *supposed* to get better, but I lack the confidence that it will. I fear that nothing will change and then I will have been vulnerable for nothing and that, feels like rejection to me. Stop judging...stop hiding...let people in, tell them what you want or need. They don't know how to read your mind, but this DOES NOT mean they don't care about you.

I love my kids. I love my husband. And all I want is to be loved in return. But do they know how to love me? How can I expect them to know my love language if I don't communicate. How can I expect them to feel loved if I don't speak their language?

All of this gobbledegook...means nothing unless I make it mean something. So listen to your heart, get off you @$$, take a risk, love, and change your life!