Just yesterday

This picture says so much to me, and while it makes my heart swell with pride, I can't stop the tears. The outfits you picked, the stance and expressions you both have, convey so much to this mommas heart. I wanted to freeze frame time. I'll settle for this moment to reflect.

For Abigail~
Just yesterday I was seeing you for the first time and that look, a mixture of giddy apprehension was on my face. This was what I had waited for...holding my first born and kissing those tiny fingers. Staring into your beautiful eyes and dreaming of your future.

I waited with baited breath to hear your voice call my name, Momma. Suddenly you were walking and  before I knew it, you were running, singing ABC's and writing your name. We joked about how you were never silent.

All too quickly, you started Kindergarten. Walking in, I could see the fear building, but you were so brave. Sitting at your desk, staring at your name...fighting the tears. I turned and walked away, I had to be brave also.

Today you started 5th grade. I am fighting tears again. Begging time to slow just a bit. My baby girl is growing so quickly. I am incredibly proud of you. I love your glasses. I can't say too much, I did the same thing. I love your outfit and how protective you are of Amelia.

I am sitting once again, nervously waiting for you to come home and tell me all about it.  I love you boot!

For Amelia~
Just yesterday you were sleeping in my arms. My teeny, tiny angel baby. Making faces and sounds in your dreams, smiling at "wilson". You were not content to sit still long. You had the world's most amazing big sister to keep up with. You loved it when she read to you. I would sit and stare at you in the middle of the night, I didn't want to sleep because I knew if I did~you would grow.

And grow you did! Bigger every day, with sass out the whaazoooo! Running, climbing and jumping, bossing every one around. I love your spirit and spunk. You loved the boys...and you showed them every day that just because you were a girl, didn't mean you weren't just as fast or as tough.

Today you ran and climbed aboard the bus without a hint of hesitation. You looked out the window and smiled and waved excitedly. You think you are grown...and I fear you are. You are so smart my little love. I can't wait to hug you when you get home and sit on the couch while you tell me about the amazing day you are destined to have! I love you monkey.

Today is the first day of 5th & K...I'm off to have my cry now and love on your baby brother.

Instagram pit stop

Last week I mention our pit stop in Calvert. I couldn't get the full picture I wanted thanks to a political sing that ruined my backdrop...regardless I am in love with the shots I got.

 Have I mentioned how I love this boy. His Daddy said it best, "such a cute boy".

Sibling love

These pictures are from the end of June, when the girls came back after visiting their Dad. There is so much love between all of my kids, but the love between Axel & Abigail-these pics express far better than any words I could type.

Another mom shared in fb this morning about the love she had for her daughter's father. And it was spot on, at times it might sound as if I am still in love, smitten if you may, and with good reason. I have Abigail & Amelia because of B and I am infatuated with them with every cell in my body, which consequently means I still love their father deeply. And I always will. How can I not love the man who gave me such beautiful babies?

messengers

Today we went to Church. It's been awhile. I got angry and I walked away from God...again.

Once again, he used Abigail to relay a message.

Last night she asked if we could go to Church. Of course, I said yes. Thinking she would sleep in or lose interest when it required her to get up and dressed. Instead, she was awake before me and excitedly got herself and her brother dressed and she tried to help Melia pick out church clothes.

And we went.

As I stood in the sanctuary, I felt lost. So out of place nad overwhelmed with "why" I was there. When they started to pray I felt flustered, trying to think/pray all the things I wanted to say/ask God. And all I could do was fight not to cry. Not even 5 minutes in and already I'm fighting tears. Suddenly i knew that the only thing I had to do was sit and listen. And after a lifetime of being in Church and in the word, I got a new perspective.

God knows my thoughts, not just the ones I actively participate in and hear in my head...he knows the thoughts I can't even process. So I sat in Church and rested in Him. I listened for his voice, his message for me.  Not for the message the preacher was trying to share...but for my personal message.

He knows my struggles, my pain and my desires. So well, in fact, I do not need to think them, process or analyze them, say them or write them down. I dont' have to know, I just have to be.

I left my phone in the car because I wanted to be invested in the experience. I wanted to give all of myself to God this morning.  I knew that I would miss calls and I prayed it wasn't a bad one.

true to form~the drama train derailed and I got ot deal with that as soon as we got in the car.

I love my family. But man, the drama sometimes is beyond overwhelming. Too many opinions.

Regardless~I cherish them, even on their craziest of days.

The message today was to love. To love God with all that we have, and we do this by loving our neighbors...especially the difficult ones. And not just to love them, but to like doing it. As in have a good attitude, do it willingly and without expectation of a good return. Because that is how He loves me.

This was the message I tried to relay to my sisters. I don't know if they heard me...I am not responsible for anything further than my own heart. I loved them and shared my heart with them because I can only be responsible for me and that is what God was telling me today (ok, that and a whole lot more!), to put my love into action.

So I am going to put forth every effort to actively love those who are the hardest to love. To smile when I want to cry. To hug when I want to scream and to give more than I can afford or want to.

And pray that at some point~someone, somewhere will give back and I won't end up completely devoid of love.

:-)

My girls are home and we celebrated in style by meeting friends to celebrate Kate's birthday, staying up LATE and getting shipley's this morning. I seriously love these kids!

I was able to get off a bit early yesterday so Axel and I had time to stop in Calvert and snap a few pictures to document his being 1 year old. I am completely addicted to instagram.

My Christmas wishlist this year will be pretty simple...upgrade my phone and get the lens that attaches. Thanks to icloud and instagram/picstich, that's all I need to take some pretty kick A photos of my kids and share them instantly. No need for the wireless camera card or lightroom/photoshop. And my phone is pretty much attached, like my third hand or external brain.

Thank you Baby Jesus for apple!

I saw these phrases shared on facebook today~

Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.

Ouch...and Amen! This helps me put some "stuff" in perspective. Only took 5 years to feel like I am moving on. I intend to prepare and protect my girls hearts a little bit better. Hopefully I will be able to teach them never to love a boy more than they love themselves...then maybe they will never suffer the pain of a heart break.

The other was this,


Thank you to all who sacrifice and serve to "arrange the meeting".

Now that I've shared what was on my mind, I'm off to waste the remainder of this lazy Saturday with my little loves.

Off

I hate that feeling! Just being off schedule puts me in a  funk and man, am I ever in a funk!

First of all the girls are gone. Enough said.

I am trying to put more effort into being thankful, and expressing my thoughts.

I am also completely overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas and projects. Its hard thought when you work all week in the house, thinking about ways to improve the space and function of a home but can't physically do anything.

I am ANGRY at target...thats a whole other post. I'm trying to calm down a bit first.

My boy amazes me everyday with his "boy-ness". This week he has decided he should live outside.
When he gets bored inside, he will go to the door, try to open it and grunt. He is also LOVING having Maelei inside. He has figured out how to free her from her kennel and the 2 of them walk around the house.
It is priceless!

I am not ready for Amelia to start school. But then again I am. I will miss her more than I can say~but it is time for her to grow up a bit. I know her Dad thinks she is unsocialized and too dependant on me. But he is in the minority on that. Many more people (who see her more often) would dispute that. She is going to have so much fun and do so well with the structure. I am excited for her for this reason...I am certain she will love it!

Abigail will be starting her last year in elementary school. Huh, say what?! How can that be? I remember her first day of Kindergarten so well...it was excruciating! But she blossomed and has continued to do so every year. She is just the most rock star daughter that ever lived! Seriously...what other kid do you know who sets their alarm to get up at 6:00 to cook their Mom eggs and coffee? Rockstar, I tell ya, absolute ROCKSTAR!! Are you embarrassed enough now Abigail?! :-p Love you Lil lou!

Ok...got to get this boy in bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and be "on"?! :-)

What difference does that make?!

To the person who questioned the difference it makes in a child's life when they have no memory of Mom and Dad...it's freakflippingHUGE!

Amelia is one of the brightest, most gifted and happy children I have ever met. I am not just saying this because she is mine. She has a fierce independent streak and that can be her greatest strength or her greatest weakness...depending on who you ask. I choose to see it as a strength and I know those that see it as anything less, only do so because they are irritated they cannot control her.

Anyone who has worked with children, knows that they are capable of understanding far more than we give them credit for. They have a sixth sense that most adults envy. So when my child says something you deem inappropriate...chances are its the truth you'd like to ignore.

She is here because B and I were married. But we are not married now. Naturally she would question this. Naturally she would create a story. Although it may not be true in your opinion...it is true to her. She is allowed to say what she thinks or feels without fear of punishment. She does not say these things to be mean...she is just a child.

And she faces challenges no one (except her Dad) can really understand.

She has NO memory whatsoever of her Mom and Dad being together. 

Abigail has 5 years of memories. And she talks about it. Which makes Amelia wonder why she doesn't remember.

Her sisters at her Dad's have their Mom and their Dad...together. A complete family. Which makes Amelia wonder if he loves them more.

Axel has his Mom and his Dad...together. Which makes her question why he doesn't have to leave his Mom.

She is the odd man out. She is the "middle" child. She feels alone.

Amelia feels insecure because the only foundation she knows is different from everyone else's and it doens't make sense to her. Her world is black and white, right and wrong. And excuse me...but I'd like to keep it that way as long as possible.

I am so angry at people who are mean to her. Yes, she has a challenging attitude. The fact that her Dad left when she was 8 weeks old does not excuse her childish disobedience. But it does warrant some consideration. Some grace if you may.

She needs a very consistent, stable routine. She needs positive reinforcement. She needs love.


She is questioning  where she came from. She is questioning why all this pain surrounds her. She is questioning who to trust. She loves her family, the family she knows...but she doens't understand why we are so different.

And my heart aches...because I can't make it right. I can't heal her heart. I can't explain why.

I am thankful for her step-mom making an effort. I am thankful that the exposure to those who see her as anything less than the absolutely perfect child she is, is minimal. I am thankful that she is resilient.


I am thankful that God sent her to me. He knew what the future would hold and he saw fit to send her to me anyhow.

Some may see her as a band-aid. Some may see her as a mistake, a reminder of failure.

That is NOT what I see.

I see the brightest, bluest eyes. I see an infectious smile. I see a heart that is pure, open, accepting and full of love. I see an inquisitive mind that will challenge those who try to manipulate it. I see a strong, fiery girl who shines so brightly she will not be overshadowed. I see a girl with a zest for life, a thirst for knowledge and a love to share. I see an angel who will prove them all wrong.

Cutting the fat :-)

A bunch of my friends have been posting on Fb about cutting back, trying to simplify over all "cutting" the fat out of their lives. And I'm going to see if I can catch up and jump up on that old bandwagon!

First up for trimming is the monsters closets! They have accumulated so much stuff, (stuffed animales, books clothes) that they are barely functional anymore! So instead of waiting till New years to tackle big overhauls like this I am going to use back to school shopping as our motivation! To encourage their own purging, I have made the girls an offer of a new shirt of their very own choice, (the only limit is that it cannot be $50 or "hoochie") for every 7 shirts they donate.

Abigail has been asked to sort through her books and pick our her faves and relocate the others to our (soon to be built) "family" library. This child and her books! There are currently 3 bookshelves in her room and about 6 stacks around her room.

Amelia and I have to oh-so painful job of sorting through the my little ponies and petshops. This is painful for me because I "invested" too much in these silly toys. But they have served their purpose and we will keep some to use for the kids I watch.

Axel doesn't really have too much fat (other than his thunder thighs!) but I will be sorting through his closet and donating all the too small clothes.

Then I have to face my closet. At some point. It really isn't so overwhelming...just boring. And a bit traumatic. I sort through my clothes about every 3 months anyhow and in my last purge session I was apparently a little hormonal and feeling pouty about the post-baby bulge around my belly that a threw out a lot of stuff that I later regretted. I also somehow ended up chunking a box of sentimental jewelry as well. Oh well. I've survived without it so it's ok.

The girls over at www.cherrycokecruising.com have also inspired me to toss/donate kitchen items and the girls at www.shanty-2-chic.com have given me the inspiration to get it done and make it look pretty!

I am looking forward to a lighter fall! :-)