messengers

Today we went to Church. It's been awhile. I got angry and I walked away from God...again.

Once again, he used Abigail to relay a message.

Last night she asked if we could go to Church. Of course, I said yes. Thinking she would sleep in or lose interest when it required her to get up and dressed. Instead, she was awake before me and excitedly got herself and her brother dressed and she tried to help Melia pick out church clothes.

And we went.

As I stood in the sanctuary, I felt lost. So out of place nad overwhelmed with "why" I was there. When they started to pray I felt flustered, trying to think/pray all the things I wanted to say/ask God. And all I could do was fight not to cry. Not even 5 minutes in and already I'm fighting tears. Suddenly i knew that the only thing I had to do was sit and listen. And after a lifetime of being in Church and in the word, I got a new perspective.

God knows my thoughts, not just the ones I actively participate in and hear in my head...he knows the thoughts I can't even process. So I sat in Church and rested in Him. I listened for his voice, his message for me.  Not for the message the preacher was trying to share...but for my personal message.

He knows my struggles, my pain and my desires. So well, in fact, I do not need to think them, process or analyze them, say them or write them down. I dont' have to know, I just have to be.

I left my phone in the car because I wanted to be invested in the experience. I wanted to give all of myself to God this morning.  I knew that I would miss calls and I prayed it wasn't a bad one.

true to form~the drama train derailed and I got ot deal with that as soon as we got in the car.

I love my family. But man, the drama sometimes is beyond overwhelming. Too many opinions.

Regardless~I cherish them, even on their craziest of days.

The message today was to love. To love God with all that we have, and we do this by loving our neighbors...especially the difficult ones. And not just to love them, but to like doing it. As in have a good attitude, do it willingly and without expectation of a good return. Because that is how He loves me.

This was the message I tried to relay to my sisters. I don't know if they heard me...I am not responsible for anything further than my own heart. I loved them and shared my heart with them because I can only be responsible for me and that is what God was telling me today (ok, that and a whole lot more!), to put my love into action.

So I am going to put forth every effort to actively love those who are the hardest to love. To smile when I want to cry. To hug when I want to scream and to give more than I can afford or want to.

And pray that at some point~someone, somewhere will give back and I won't end up completely devoid of love.