Last day of Fifth & K

They were the "bestest of friends" right from the start,

The brightest of lights, when the whole world went dark.

The smiles, the hugs, the laughter, and tears...

these blessings abound, year after year.

 

How can I describe the feelings I feel? 

I love you both more than I could ever say or show...but I think, I hope, you already know.

Y'all drive me BoNkErS and sometimes, make me cry.

But at the end of the day...no matter what,

you know that I love you deeper than the oceans and higher than the sky!

Anasta...Umm, Kar...you know who you are

It had been almost a year since we've had an "issue". I knew it was coming...

I'm not going to waste my breath, explaining all that went down. But I will write a few "facts" for a certain someone to mull over and possibly pass along.

In the best interest of our daughters.

I know you hoped that when you divorced me...I would magically disappear into thin air.
That's not what divorce is. I'm still here, we still have children together. You still have to communicate with me. Put your big boy boots on and deal with it.

I am fully aware of what the papers say. But I am no longer in charge of managing your social calendar or facilitating your visits. I will not hand your daughters to you on a silver platter. They deserve better than that. They deserve to be pursued and valued and cherished.

Yes, you have "allotted" time...but making arrangements to claim that time requires this little tiny thing...communication.

It is not difficult, you don't have to talk to me, text or email work just fine. All one would have to do, is mention (preferably more than 24 hours prior) to the desired time and date of said transfer in order to make arrangements and avoid scheduling conflicts. In the past I have "held" them, waiting for you to claim them.

But I realized how much that hurt them. They got tired of hearing that they could not have play dates with friends because it was "dads time", only to be stood up or overlooked.

To be clear....I have problem whatsoever with the girls spending time with their father....but I have a HUGE problem with a man making my daughters feel like a disregarded option. The reminder that you left...that you have a new family...they are not a priority.

It is my job to help them learn and know their worth, to stand firm and demand respect. I want my daughters to know that they deserve the BEST. If you want your daughters to value their hearts...why don't you set the example. Put effort forth and pursue their heart and affections so they will know they are worth it and not settle for the first jerk who pays attention to them, says he loves them and promises never to leave. I want better for my daughters.

My heart

Abigail, how is it possible that you are ELEVEN?! I can't wrap my head around this...

We celebrated with a slumber party! Laurie and Emily were able to come, but even better than that~Ryan took Axel and Melia to Dallas and we had the whole weekend just you and me kid! Its been L-O-N-G time since we were able to hang out with each other. You endured shopping with me and we got crafty stuff and food for your party, then you were a nervous wreck waiting for your friends! Y'all had a blast jumping on the trampoline, shooting glow in the dark silly string and making bows and bracelets. I love that you are so thoughtful to make a bow and a bracelet for Reagan since she couldn't come. You are such an awesome kid!

I hope you enjoyed your day as much as I think you did. You are growing so quickly...

In the meantime, you still ADORE horses. You love to draw and read. Your current obsession in planting things, trying to convince us you need another dog. (preferably one of jeds puppies) You think you are an insomniac because you are too busy to sleep. I laugh at you every night when you tell me you are not tired and (typically) you are out 5 minutes later!

Your hair is so long and thick and gorgeous...but you ALWAYS have it in a ponytail. I can't imagine where you learned that from! :-P

I love your constant quest for knowledge, your laugh, your heart, your eyes. You are so unique and awesome, I am beyond blessed to be your mom. You are a great example for Mia, and you love your baby bro so much.

Here is to many, many more years of celebrating you! I love you!!!

Ouch and Aww

Amelia is so funny and with all the driving we do is it any wonder that our best conversations take place in the car? This weekend she was full of all kinds of "opinions" and understandings about life. I told myself to remember one specific conversation but it is after 10 pm and I am exhausted, maybe I will rememer in the morning! Something to do with Barak Obama and how if we just did things a certain way it would fix all the problems in the world...

Highs: getting a $323 dress for $50 and it fits like a glove, having the best sushi ever, and hearing Abigail process and find the silver lining in her pain. If you ever find yourself in Conroe, you must try the Dragon Fingers at Wild Ginger off of 105. DELISH! Also, if you go on a Sunday, Happy hour is ALL.DAY.LONG!

Lows: Axel having a delayed, allergic reaction to amoxocillin and finding Abigail in her room crying because she was thinking about when B and I were married and "not unhappy with each other". Poor baby girl, recognized it as her birth month and was able to articulate that it was just so confusing because she remembers us eating and laughing and being happy. We talked for a bit and I told her that it still hurts me too, but that I try to just focus on how it was part of God's plan and that good things will come from it. Axel jsut so happened to walk into her room about this time and she looked at him with such love and said, "if Brent hadn't left, we wouldn't have Axel".

Oh, and the trampoline we got the kids for Christmas has only been up 2 weeks and has caused a bloody mouth and sprained ankle...

January brought heartache and loss. February has already included multiple Dr visits and an trip to urgent care.

2013 is proving to be our most challenging year yet.

farewell

I need to change...I need to either dig deep or turn a blind eye. I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time so I get to relive it.

Like having to repeat failed grades.


Man, I really hope I get it right this time. I survived before, I'll survive again. But geewillakers...what are the chances that 6 years later...I end up right back where I started. What the heck kind of person was I in a previous life that I have to relive this hell over and over again?!

Oh...and this. Blogging. Yeah, I probably ought to stop. Because nothing good ever comes form letting your worst enemy know your weakness.

It been a great ride.

Peace out.

Back to the grind

I am not going to even try to summarize the last few weeks of craziness around here. But I will say that we are very blessed and have some great memories of the Holidays in 212.

We greeted January 1st at Alexander, G9 style! Now we are home, full of good intentions and motivation. I am quite rested and itching to get back into our day to day routine. Ask me if I still feel this way in a couple of days. Hahahaha!

My mind is full of ways to make this year better. Along with nearly every other parent in the world...I vow to be a better parent. I feel myself growing as an individual and no matter how many nights I go to bed feeling extreme disappointement and self-loathing...I am so far beyond who I used to be.

 I am more patient. I am more compassionate. I am more aware.

My kids are absolutely amazing...but Abigail and Amelia fight every day. I choose to see it as prep for real life. They are learning to voice their opinions, defend their position and are going to have incredible conflict resolution skills. They are protective of each other, proud of each others accomplishments and the love that they share for their family is extreme and intense. This is enough. On the way back from Stephenville, they choose to swap outfits for the dolls they had gotten for Christmas. Then when we got home, Abigail voluntarily went into Mia's room to help her set up the legos. Made my heart swoon!!!

We sat at the dinner table last night and talked about resolutions and goals for 2013 and I admired my children for the glorious people they are. Each a unique creation and display of love and beauty. I am so blessed to be their Mom. We talked about how to make 2013 better and even though I do not have high expectations for the longevity of our "plans". It was nice just to sit and converse with them.

My main goal for 2013 is to open my eyes and to see "wishes" instead of weeds. This means that last night as I struggled to get kids into bed at a (semi) decent time so that I could breathe (and watch Parenthood uninterrupted) I felt myself getting agitated. I stopped...took a deep breath and decided to just go with it. Instead of being bitter that Axel was fighting sleep so persistently and that Ryan had already gone to bed,  I held him close and breathed in the last traces of baby.

I am determined to take and make time to cherish my children while I am able.

That is all :-)