In light of current events, I find myself wanting to speak, to share my thoughts and offer help. I want to leave a trail for my children, I want to help them get further than I will and I guess this is how I feel I can do this best. I hope and pray that if and when they read this, it resonates with them and brings comfort as they recognize theses words as echoes of the mom I was.
A few days ago, I sat to chronicle my own personal journey and thoughts in regards the pro-life issue. It has changed, no, evolved, and yet the one thing that remains steadfast is that ALL life is valuable. This doesn't look the way it did when I was 11, 16 or even 28. I wonder if I have the "right" to feel this way. I know my perspective will challenge relationships, but fear is no longer driving my thoughts. Instead awareness and hope for my children to know the truth in order to make the best decisions for themselves. Anyway...as I typed that post I kept hearing my inner critic say...but what about "them".
You see, I have been on the "right" side all my life. Born and bred in Texas, as part of a super conservative christian family...and I bought all of it. When 9/11 happened, I was devastated...my country was under attack! It was all about the red, white and blue and soldiers where kings in my opinion. We were the land of the free because of the Brave!
And now....I have no words.
How can I preach one side or the other when I have such contempt for "them". But its not really contempt...I don't know what it is. I do not wish ill...I only want what is best for my daughters. What I have realized is that my personal interpretation of what is in the best interest and theirs is vastly different. They want the best that my parents wanted. I adore my parents and I understand where they were coming from...but also, I don't want my children to blindly obey me and grow up parroting sunday school speeches.
For instance, for the past 10 years, they have
shuffled back and forth per the custody agreement and or their Father's wishes.
We make an effort to abide by the papers but also accommodate the majority of
his requests. Abigail has recently become very involved in school and has a
really great little group of friends. Naturally, her life is becoming
more involved here. For years, her social life was all about pony club. But
now, she is interested in spending her energy elsewhere. Of course, little
sisters like to follow their big sisters example. This is causing some friction
as their Dad is taking it personally. Understandable and also part of the natural
progression of parent child relationships.
I went to a conference once and the
speaker was talking about the funnel in parenting. It is fun in early childhood
to give children a plethora of options and allow them to choose for themselves,
What to wear, what to eat, what to play. Learning to make decisions in
important! But if you give them all of the options and allow them freedom as
toddlers, and they grow...they want more freedom and parents in a effort to
maintain control and authority try to take the freedom away, or even worse
enforce boundaries. This causes a shock to young brains and results in some
epic battles of will. Battles which parents often lose. because they have the
"funnel" flipped upside down. when the funnel is upright it allows
for natural growth. Of all the parenting advice I have read, of all the classes
I have taken and in all the years of watching and growing kids...I can tell you
hands down THIS is the best blurb I have ever absorbed.
Children are tiny humans. Not robots. The more
you try to program them, the more they revolt.
The girls are truly good humans. Kind,
compassionate, helpful... also smart and strong. And there have been so many
changes in their short lives...I have in awe that we have not fought these
battles already. Their father disgrees and sees this as the ultimate betrayal
and disrepect. And many of you may agree with him.
I know my daughters hearts. They do not want to
hurt their. But they are also tired of hurting. The last few years have been
full of hurt for my girls. Hurt that they don't dare voice to their father
because he tells them they are wrong. Its called self preservation. When
something hurts you...you avoid it. For ten years they have gone just about
every time he as asked. When have rescheduled and moved things around and to be
honest and selfish...my life has revolved around getting those girls where he
wanted them when he wanted them because I didn't want to be called all the
names people call the mom.
I have no doubt this hurts his feeling...but I
know better and am aware this is more about the fact that our current support
order was called for review since it is out of date. He is angry. He is used to
calling the shots with me and every time he can't he throws a fit.
The thing is, his daughters are getting
older...and this is their life. And they are tired of living their life around
Dads convenience.
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