I was recently asked this question and it has turned my
world upside down…not that my world has been right side up in awhile. After
what feels like a lifetime of knowing and doing {pretty much} what I thought I always
wanted to do; I find myself realizing this is no longer where I want to or am
supposed to be.
Last spring life got an interesting little shake. After a
hard couple of months one of my daycare families got an amazing opportunity and
moved to Colorado. Normally this would be taken in stride but it shook me a
little more than I was prepared for. I had been praying and this presented
itself in a way that I did not appreciate. Regardless, I followed what I felt
like was God’s direction and gave the other families notice. One of the
families was able to find care and left, meanwhile I continued caring for the remaining
family intermittently while I allowed my mind to wander the trails of other
opportunities. I updated and sent out my
resume’, went on interviews and even went way out of my comfort zone to take (and
pass) the physical and written exams for the police academy.
I held my breath, prayed and waited for “something better”
and nothing changed.
Well, not nothing.
I wasn’t offered any jobs but I gained valuable experience,
a touch of confidence and a dash of intrigue.
What does a life not spent loving littles look like? As my
kids grow, they need me in a different way. They need me to be present in their
world, which is expanding beyond the walls of our home. I sat at the dinner table
last night listening to my nearly 16 year old tell me of the college options
she had researched. She leaves in 2 weeks for a science completion of sorts in
Colorado…which I should accompany her on, but because of my job I can’t. The
job I sought out and fought for because it allowed me to be with my children is
now the actual thing preventing me from being with my children. My life is shifting and regardless of whether I
like it or feel prepared…I have to shift with it because being stuck here
without them is not an option.
I have no idea how to do this,
so I do what I do…reflect and back track to try and get my sense of direction.
·
I wanted to be a mom. I became I mom. Four times.
·
I wanted to be a wife. I became a wife. Twice.
·
I wanted to watch babies. I’ve run a daycare out
of my home…for the past 14 years. 7 years prior to that were spent being a
nanny. I’ve watched babies for 21 years. OVER half of my life.
People always told me I’d outgrow it, “Watching babies isn’t
a career”.
My husband left and I was determined to stand (stay) on my
own so I got a degree.
Meanwhile, I still watched babies. I made it a career and it
served my family well….for a few seasons.
Crazy things about seasons is just when you accept they will
never change, the winds start blowing.
Maybe there is something
more fulfilling out there. Not that this isn’t my passion; Helping other mommas
be the very best mommas they can be…but maybe it’s time to do that a little differently. Or maybe it’s time to be really brave and dream
a different dream because I have done this, a couple times over.
Except I am too tired to dream. I just want to sleep. I think
back over all the things I’ve accomplished and endured the last decade, it gets
really heavy. One of my strengths is a tendency to put my head down and just get
it done. Then look back and wonder how they hell I survived?!
I’m sitting trying to
make my fingers keep up with, and sort through my thoughts so I can find the
answer.
To that question…what would I do?
Because I can actually do anything I want to do…I just honestly
no longer know what that is. I have a short list of things that I could do, (not
without consequence) but none of them are the answer to the question that takes
me to the next phase of life.
I’m standing here at this door with a ring full of keys…all
I have to do is find the one to open the door and walk through and I will have
escaped this waiting room I’ve taken up residence in. But the ring is heavy and
there are SO many keys…and I just want to sleep.
For now I’ll be content with having cleared a tiny corner of
my brain for a few moments. Maybe I will write again…in a year or so. Hopefully
with a different story cause this one is getting really old.
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