Asked and Answered

To begin with, let me offer my most sincere thanks to those who have endured my blog and prayed over my family the last few days! I do not know how we would have gotten here if we had not been carried by your prayers and positive thoughts. To those of you who so bravely told me your own stories, I have no words to express my gratitude. As heartbreaking as this is, y'all were my pillars of strength and I would not have been able to stand today had I not been informed of what to expect and assurance that it would be OK.

I know this is not over, but at least we are turning a corner. I wrote my letter and I have made plans as to how to find closure. Tomorrow, I shall find a tree.

A few realizations from today

1) God's will. I (think) I understand the difference between the moral and sovereign will of God. As much as I wish I was NOT taking classes right now, I am thankful for the assigned reading today as I stumbled across the following and it spoke to me, "God's sovereign will is his secret plan that determines everything that happens in the universe". This was hard to swallow at first, I won't lie. I felt the anger bubbling up as I read those words. But then as I turned the page (literally) I found a list of "Principles of Decision Making the Way of Wisdom" and number 4 reads, "When we have chosen what is moral and wise, we must trust the sovereign God to work all details together for good. I know Romans 8:28, but this was different. Somethings just don't have reasons for us to understand because it is His secret plan. It was deeper than "it's not my fault" or "it's part of His plan".

2) I do think there is a lesson to be learned...I have to trust God. Through the divorce my fear overwhelmed me. Would I be alone forever? That was not my plan! Fast forward, God revealed Himself to me in that I had to stop trying to control my life and learn to be at peace in the moment with what I had. He would give me what I needed, when I needed it. This is not easy. While we were not actively *trying* we knew what we were doing. And now that I have felt that excitement and hope of pregnancy it will be even harder to wait until God gives us a baby. However, I am going to actively work towards improving my relationship with life in honor of this child. I know my struggles and character flaws. I know I am impatient and have control issues. And more than that I do have deep rooted, fear-based issues of not getting what I so strongly desire, and not being able to fulfill the purpose for which I feel designed. But I will let go of those and no longer claim them as my identification.

3) If I cannot have another child, perhaps God's plan is for us to adopt. This loss will not define me nor will it change the truths of life as I know them. It is what it is...and that is how it is meant to be.

4) The painful realization was this, A few weeks ago I was frustrated with a situation between Abigail and her Dad and I cried in frustration to God, "How do I get past this? How do I not react and allow this to hurt me? What has to happen to make this not so bad". My prayers were not rejected. Not that this really makes it any easier...but at least I know He is listening. And I know to be more specific in my prayers. *WARNING GRAPHIC* Like when I prayed not to see the baby...well,the sac was full of blood. It was a divine moment where I physically felt a ribbon of peace as I realized this baby was not to be seen by human eyes. I told myself he was too perfect and glorious for my eyes to behold. I will see him daily as I look to the heavens and hide my eyes from the bight shining sun. I won't hear his laughter but I will see the stars twinkle and I will imagine what it would have sounded like. I won't get to give him a bath and feel him splash me but I will feel the rain on my skin and know he is in my heart. I won't touch his baby soft skin but I will feel the wind blow across my cheek and I will smile as think of him. And when I need reminders of hope...yellow flowers will appear :-)

Tonight I ask for His continued blessings of love, guidance and strength. For protection of my children. And to one day hold a child in my arms who I can call my own.

slipping

I have two healthy, happy, beautiful children. I have had two textbook pregnancies. I have a husband who brings fairy tales to life. I have a great family and amazing friends. But my heart is aching as the echo of my empty womb pierces my body.

I am trying to focus on here and now and what I have, but I am panicky...my child is gone.

I want to accept this, I want to acknowledge it is not my fault. But the questions in my mind are drowning me. People say I didn't "cause" it, but encourage the power of positive thinking. I can't help but wonder if they think my worrisome nature killed my child. How can I acknowledge the power of God and not secretly hope for a miracle?

Please do not misinterpret that...I know our baby is gone. But I cannot bear the thought of trying again. At the same time I cannot fathom never holding a child to my chest and feeling the euphoria that only comes from smelling your newborns scent. My miracle would be to conceive again without the pressure of "trying".

They gave me lortab as I wait for my body to do what it knows to do. I pray my body works this time. I can't take the medicine. I am trying to enjoy what I have. I can't sleep away days when my children are here. Perhaps next weekend. I am trying to acknowledge the pain and embrace it. I want to learn this lesson in hopes I will not have to endure a refresher course. Even that seems to be part of a big joke because I sat in Amelia's room last night playing house in an attempt to appreciate what I have, she handed me her "brother". I held the doll as the room spun and the darkness enveloped me

I try to be grateful as I think about those who have endured "worse". But that wasn't me. All I can think about is that I hurt in ways I prayed I would never experience. Once again my prayers feel rejected.

If you pray...please pray for me. For what, I have no idea.

We are coping at the moment. Trying to process the news and deal with the reality, eventually we will heal.


For now, the girls are oblivious as we hadn't told people because it was just too early.


Not that I owe this explanation. We were supposed to be 8 wks along, the baby only made it to 7...the baby was legal.


Also we weren't "trying". Does that make it easier, NO!!!


It was a baby...not tissue. I realize some may not agree with that, and thats ok. But if you choose to talk to me about this, please use the proper reference.


I am not angry...I get the medical explanation. I am sad, hurt. I lost a baby.


I know I didn't cause this, but I still feel responsible.


If you are offended that I put this out there...don't be upset with me. Just because I blogged about it doesn't require you to read it.

As time progresses, the pain will subside, But I will forever carry this child in my heart.

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

Today I find myself with two options.

#1) Be sad, better yet angry and focus on "why?!"

#2) Accept it is not my will but His and that he had a reason better than mine.

Earlier in the week, a friend had blogged about the inevitable "why" of when things go wrong. She had some great points...which I had no way of knowing would impact me so greatly today.

Without giving a lot of details, (because we hadn't told alot of people) Today we found out what could have been, wasn't going to be. I've been through a couple different versions of hell in the last 3 years and each time I think I've crossed over and faced the most difficult challenge in my life...I learn I am wrong. To see that tiny baby on the screen, lifeless, officially tops the pain chart.

I have peace. I know the medical reasons...but more than that, I have faith. I know that my baby wasn't equipped for this world but that I will see him or her eventually and they will know that Mommy loves them. And no matter what, even this short little life will impact the world somehow, because they always do.

Not to sound callous, but I firmly believe it is better to focus on the good and so today I count my blessings.

I am grateful that it was early.

I am grateful for a compassionate Doctor.

I am grateful for a husband who held my hand and made me laugh, while making it ok to cry.

I am grateful for the two, perfect and healthy little girls who are oblivious to the situation.

I am grateful for family who would drop anything to sit beside me.

I am grateful for friends who recognize & validate my pain while allowing me the space and time to deal.

And if I may ask for just one thing...I pray for courage. To endure the really yucky part of this.

Kids

After I got Abigail off to school, Amelia and I came home to have a little snuggle on the couch. Then I checked facebook.

There were several posts about the first day of school. Two of the little girls I watched when we first moved to Bryan started kindergarten today. It was kinda overwhelming. Then I found out Eric and David got moved up to the Pre-K class today. Wow...all these kids growing up. They are not all "mine" but they are all in my heart. I remember Katelyn and Laura's first day at Stepping Stones. I got them matching bows and did their hair and took pics. And I cried when no one was watching.

They are big girls now...Laura is in 6th grade and Katelyn is in 5th. I guess that would make Ms. Maddie a 6th grader as well, and Zane must have started 8th grade. Can it be? I suppose so. After all, Bubba Jed started high school today.

Which makes me...old. And very, very blessed to have been part of their lives.

I need some new kids to watch.

Third Grade

Attraversiamo

Last August I was pulling myself together and beginning to feel like I could handle this thing that had threatened to destroy me. I had been burned, strengthened and reborn. In the ruins of my hopes and dreams~I found more life and beauty than I ever would have believed possible.

Then I met Ryan. The months between then and now have swept me off my feet, and taken away all sense of balance and somehow, I finally found my groove.

It seems like just yesterday I was walking the loop with Jenni telling her, "No worries. I am not giving up all this for a man!" A few short months later I had to explain to my friend I had lied. He made me an offer I could not refuse. Suddenly, we were engaged, I was moving and life would never be the same.

If you had told me last August I would be where I am now...and for those of you who tried, I laughed out loud!

Somehow, among other accomplishments this year, I have crossed over and am no longer a college freshman! WOW!

I did it! You see, my goal was much smaller than most. I didn't dare dream of a complete degree, (yes, that is obviously the ultimate goal) I simply needed to begin. I began and have at this point completed 33 hours! I am enrolled for 12 hours this fall.

Abigail begins 3rd grade tomorrow. Amelia begins preschool on Tuesday. This week both of my babies will break my heart as they prove they are no longer babies.

And that is a whole other post.

But for now I am relishing in my latest accomplishments and the beauty that comes from looking at where you have been and feeling the waves of relief because you crossed over.

Love