Asked and Answered

To begin with, let me offer my most sincere thanks to those who have endured my blog and prayed over my family the last few days! I do not know how we would have gotten here if we had not been carried by your prayers and positive thoughts. To those of you who so bravely told me your own stories, I have no words to express my gratitude. As heartbreaking as this is, y'all were my pillars of strength and I would not have been able to stand today had I not been informed of what to expect and assurance that it would be OK.

I know this is not over, but at least we are turning a corner. I wrote my letter and I have made plans as to how to find closure. Tomorrow, I shall find a tree.

A few realizations from today

1) God's will. I (think) I understand the difference between the moral and sovereign will of God. As much as I wish I was NOT taking classes right now, I am thankful for the assigned reading today as I stumbled across the following and it spoke to me, "God's sovereign will is his secret plan that determines everything that happens in the universe". This was hard to swallow at first, I won't lie. I felt the anger bubbling up as I read those words. But then as I turned the page (literally) I found a list of "Principles of Decision Making the Way of Wisdom" and number 4 reads, "When we have chosen what is moral and wise, we must trust the sovereign God to work all details together for good. I know Romans 8:28, but this was different. Somethings just don't have reasons for us to understand because it is His secret plan. It was deeper than "it's not my fault" or "it's part of His plan".

2) I do think there is a lesson to be learned...I have to trust God. Through the divorce my fear overwhelmed me. Would I be alone forever? That was not my plan! Fast forward, God revealed Himself to me in that I had to stop trying to control my life and learn to be at peace in the moment with what I had. He would give me what I needed, when I needed it. This is not easy. While we were not actively *trying* we knew what we were doing. And now that I have felt that excitement and hope of pregnancy it will be even harder to wait until God gives us a baby. However, I am going to actively work towards improving my relationship with life in honor of this child. I know my struggles and character flaws. I know I am impatient and have control issues. And more than that I do have deep rooted, fear-based issues of not getting what I so strongly desire, and not being able to fulfill the purpose for which I feel designed. But I will let go of those and no longer claim them as my identification.

3) If I cannot have another child, perhaps God's plan is for us to adopt. This loss will not define me nor will it change the truths of life as I know them. It is what it is...and that is how it is meant to be.

4) The painful realization was this, A few weeks ago I was frustrated with a situation between Abigail and her Dad and I cried in frustration to God, "How do I get past this? How do I not react and allow this to hurt me? What has to happen to make this not so bad". My prayers were not rejected. Not that this really makes it any easier...but at least I know He is listening. And I know to be more specific in my prayers. *WARNING GRAPHIC* Like when I prayed not to see the baby...well,the sac was full of blood. It was a divine moment where I physically felt a ribbon of peace as I realized this baby was not to be seen by human eyes. I told myself he was too perfect and glorious for my eyes to behold. I will see him daily as I look to the heavens and hide my eyes from the bight shining sun. I won't hear his laughter but I will see the stars twinkle and I will imagine what it would have sounded like. I won't get to give him a bath and feel him splash me but I will feel the rain on my skin and know he is in my heart. I won't touch his baby soft skin but I will feel the wind blow across my cheek and I will smile as think of him. And when I need reminders of hope...yellow flowers will appear :-)

Tonight I ask for His continued blessings of love, guidance and strength. For protection of my children. And to one day hold a child in my arms who I can call my own.