Faith and Grace

The middle names of my children, my constant source of hope and peace. Huh?

When Abigail was born I was so thankful for grace. Grace, just so happened to mean patient in the name book. I was not patient and I wanted my daughter to be a better version of me. It was perfect. I was so imperfect and watching those around me go thru such unimaginable pain left me feeling completely unworthy of such a perfect, gracious gift.

Faith, I had invested all my faith and hopes for the future in Brent at that time...and wrongly so. God is a jealous God and if someone gets in His way of loving me...well, it was not pretty but it was effective. And so my faith, wave upon wave was redirected to the only one who is worthy.

This baby, (who in my heart is Max) is my constant reminder to have a teachable spirit. Maximilian Giuseppe means exactly that. The MGM just so happens to be the hotel we stayed at in Vegas. (I am my father's daughter.) If I get to Heaven and meet our daughter, I will laugh and consent once again to God's sense of humor.

Back to the teachable spirit...I don't want to learn this lesson. I do not want to have a spiritual lesson. The funny thing is...unless there is a purpose to my pain, I can't heal. And so I have searched and tried to analyze from any angle my mind can conjure up...and the only thing is this...

TRUST...let go...live, laugh and love. It's not about me. I just live here. I do not know who, or what much less, when, where or why. And the kicker is...I don't need too. I want to, but I don't need to know. I'm on a need to know basis and I don't need to know. Boo

I am fearful. But there is no fear in love and so I have to let go of that as my identity. I am no longer fearful. It is written on my bathroom mirror.

I am so thankful for friends and sister-in-loves who have allowed me to vent and process without judgment. For children who pull my heart strings and allow me to love beyond my comprehension, more each and every day. And for a husband who wants to love me and allows me to love him in return. Not just the mushy butterflies but in the trenches, in the nitty gritty monotony of life...ya know the whole 3 months we've been married :-)

I'm not over this, and I'm not strong. I'm just trying to enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow. Whatever shall be shall be and the sooner I realize this and let go on my desire to control and organize every aspect of my life, I'll be a much happier and healthier person.

Ride the wave

What do you do when you feel yourself slipping back to a place you know you don't wanna be? When the darkness has it's claws around your ankles and is pulling so hard you feel as if your ripping in half, grasping at/for anything to keep from ending up back in that hole? That you feel the constriction in your chest just remembering how the darkness suffocates and will begin to eat you alive.

I know I'm depressed. But I don't wanna be. I want my mind to work correctly and be able to fixate on the hope and the joy that is in my life. But still the monster looms, laughing at my petty attempts to avoid him and avert my attention.

I don't like the idea of medication. I have survived all the other stuff without it, so why would I take it now? It's a control issue, I know. I can't even use the gas at the Dentist for fear of liquefying when I lose control. If I don't actively keep myself together, then what will I be? A puddle of nothingness.


I KNOW I am better than this. That I am LOVED beyond anything I understand. But, even after all this...I still can't figure out how to apply it times of distress.

Now all I can think about is how many marks are on my face. Everything I do is wrong and and the failures linger in my mind, feeding the beast growing on my back.

My failures are typical stuff...but they seem irrevocable in my life. I forgot to wash the whites. I cooked a dry pot roast. I yelled at Amelia and hid from my family to cry in my closet. I purposely avoid praying at the dinner table so my children don't hear my irritation at God.

In the middle of my panicky hysterical fit, I am still loved and in this I will rest.

to get thru the night...

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
And You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Come on you've gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
Before the morning

to be honest...

My heart is uncertain. I know I am supposed to trust God in this, again I struggle with the application. Tonight as I went in to kiss Amelia, I ran smack dab into a funky cloud. In the two minutes it had taken me to finish up in the kitchen after I sent her to pick out bedtime books, she had fallen asleep. I was struck with sadness as the realization that time is constantly slipping past. Even though we had a GREAT day getting our nails done and she told me, "you rock mom"... I had missed kissing her goodnight by seconds :-( I was overwhelmed by the fact that even though she has been with me nearly every day of her life...I still feel as if I missed so much. Looking at pictures of a friends new baby and reading the comments regarding that precious first look, I realized I can't remember that with Amelia. All I remember is Brent texting Mary and feeling so very alone. Then her precious baby days are a blur of the divorce and the twins and struggling to keep it together. They stole so much from me.

You may be asking at this point...what my problem is.

Tonight I find myself asking that dreaded question...what if? What if she was my last baby? What if I never get to experience those moments again? I thought I would get another chance. Ugh!!!

As I laid in bed next to my sleeping girl I searched for that feeling of when I would trace her face while I was nursing her and tell myself to remember. Tonight I tried so hard to remember her sweet baby smell. It was so distant and elusive. And now because of the miscarriage, I am so afraid I will never get the chance to cherish those baby days. To squeeze every exhausted moment into my brain. I want to remember the tiny hands, the quiet grunts, quivering lip. My heart hurts as I type this.

Forgive me...its an off night.

We struggled tonight. We yelled and fought and cried, and then we ate ice cream and played kerplunk, then the girls watched TV with Ryan while I hid in the office. Amelia came in to sit with me for a moment as we watched youtube videos and we danced a little bit.

My life is not a tragedy. But it is real and to be realistic it is not perfect. I crave perfection and so there are days I feel like such a failure despite the positives. Tonight is that night. I can be fake and list all the things I am grateful for while feeling despair in my soul, or I can own my grief and go to bed, hopeful for the morning. Yeah...I should just go to bed.

and the journey continues...

Amelia started Parent's Day Out or "school" as we are calling it last week. She started in the 3 year old class, but this week got moved on up into the Pre-K class, because the Director noticed she was "just a little more mature". I'll admit I was slightly concerned after a few of the days we have had at home, but she is doing great!! She wasn't sure about the nap (we have had to forgo them at home in order to get 8 hours of sleep at night) but this week she slept for an hour so I think we are in the clear. I am really proud she got moved up, we have worked on school at home, but she has a very independent, perfectionist attitude and just a wee bit of a temper so it has been a challenge, but to know she was able to hang with the bigger kids was a huge relief. And she was super excited, her response to the news "I knew it, I knew I was a bigger kid. YES!! I am so excited!" Aww...my angel baby is growing up.

In other news...I will be teaching in the toddler room at PDO on Tuesdays and Thursdays! I am also super excited! I applied to be a sub and when Mrs. Allison interviewed me, she offered me a "full time" position. I didn't realize I missed working with kids so much...but the excitement I have to start tomorrow proved otherwise! It's a new chapter :-)

Abigail is loving her new school and has made some good friends. She continues to excel and earn high praise from her Teachers. I am quite proud of both my girls and how resilient they are, in short...I think they are pretty awesome! :-)

As far as healing...there are days when I am still quite sad. I have had moments of depression and anger, as well as moments of happiness. I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to having a baby until I realized I wasn't. I don't process my emotions immediately. As with previous heartbreaks, in the moment my "warehouse" takes over and I respond the way I feel I should...then later I get good and mad because I didn't' take the time to mourn and that time passed. My goal in this has been to handle it, force myself to see/feel it now so that in 6 months it is not still controlling me. I've gotten lots of great advice and words of encouragement so I tend to react the way I think people want me to, instead of how I need to. I don't want to forget. I will let the tears flow until there are no more. I will allow myself to yell, question and express my bitter anguish over the loss of our baby.

And after I have purge the negativity, I will focus on what I have. After a lazy rainy day with my family, I choose to go to bed content. Pleased that the house is clean, kids are bathed and healthy, excited for the adventure of tomorrow and loved, so very loved.