What do you do when you feel yourself slipping back to a place you know you don't wanna be? When the darkness has it's claws around your ankles and is pulling so hard you feel as if your ripping in half, grasping at/for anything to keep from ending up back in that hole? That you feel the constriction in your chest just remembering how the darkness suffocates and will begin to eat you alive.
I know I'm depressed. But I don't wanna be. I want my mind to work correctly and be able to fixate on the hope and the joy that is in my life. But still the monster looms, laughing at my petty attempts to avoid him and avert my attention.
I don't like the idea of medication. I have survived all the other stuff without it, so why would I take it now? It's a control issue, I know. I can't even use the gas at the Dentist for fear of liquefying when I lose control. If I don't actively keep myself together, then what will I be? A puddle of nothingness.
I KNOW I am better than this. That I am LOVED beyond anything I understand. But, even after all this...I still can't figure out how to apply it times of distress.
Now all I can think about is how many marks are on my face. Everything I do is wrong and and the failures linger in my mind, feeding the beast growing on my back.
My failures are typical stuff...but they seem irrevocable in my life. I forgot to wash the whites. I cooked a dry pot roast. I yelled at Amelia and hid from my family to cry in my closet. I purposely avoid praying at the dinner table so my children don't hear my irritation at God.
In the middle of my panicky hysterical fit, I am still loved and in this I will rest.
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