to be honest...

My heart is uncertain. I know I am supposed to trust God in this, again I struggle with the application. Tonight as I went in to kiss Amelia, I ran smack dab into a funky cloud. In the two minutes it had taken me to finish up in the kitchen after I sent her to pick out bedtime books, she had fallen asleep. I was struck with sadness as the realization that time is constantly slipping past. Even though we had a GREAT day getting our nails done and she told me, "you rock mom"... I had missed kissing her goodnight by seconds :-( I was overwhelmed by the fact that even though she has been with me nearly every day of her life...I still feel as if I missed so much. Looking at pictures of a friends new baby and reading the comments regarding that precious first look, I realized I can't remember that with Amelia. All I remember is Brent texting Mary and feeling so very alone. Then her precious baby days are a blur of the divorce and the twins and struggling to keep it together. They stole so much from me.

You may be asking at this point...what my problem is.

Tonight I find myself asking that dreaded question...what if? What if she was my last baby? What if I never get to experience those moments again? I thought I would get another chance. Ugh!!!

As I laid in bed next to my sleeping girl I searched for that feeling of when I would trace her face while I was nursing her and tell myself to remember. Tonight I tried so hard to remember her sweet baby smell. It was so distant and elusive. And now because of the miscarriage, I am so afraid I will never get the chance to cherish those baby days. To squeeze every exhausted moment into my brain. I want to remember the tiny hands, the quiet grunts, quivering lip. My heart hurts as I type this.

Forgive me...its an off night.

We struggled tonight. We yelled and fought and cried, and then we ate ice cream and played kerplunk, then the girls watched TV with Ryan while I hid in the office. Amelia came in to sit with me for a moment as we watched youtube videos and we danced a little bit.

My life is not a tragedy. But it is real and to be realistic it is not perfect. I crave perfection and so there are days I feel like such a failure despite the positives. Tonight is that night. I can be fake and list all the things I am grateful for while feeling despair in my soul, or I can own my grief and go to bed, hopeful for the morning. Yeah...I should just go to bed.