Faith and Grace

The middle names of my children, my constant source of hope and peace. Huh?

When Abigail was born I was so thankful for grace. Grace, just so happened to mean patient in the name book. I was not patient and I wanted my daughter to be a better version of me. It was perfect. I was so imperfect and watching those around me go thru such unimaginable pain left me feeling completely unworthy of such a perfect, gracious gift.

Faith, I had invested all my faith and hopes for the future in Brent at that time...and wrongly so. God is a jealous God and if someone gets in His way of loving me...well, it was not pretty but it was effective. And so my faith, wave upon wave was redirected to the only one who is worthy.

This baby, (who in my heart is Max) is my constant reminder to have a teachable spirit. Maximilian Giuseppe means exactly that. The MGM just so happens to be the hotel we stayed at in Vegas. (I am my father's daughter.) If I get to Heaven and meet our daughter, I will laugh and consent once again to God's sense of humor.

Back to the teachable spirit...I don't want to learn this lesson. I do not want to have a spiritual lesson. The funny thing is...unless there is a purpose to my pain, I can't heal. And so I have searched and tried to analyze from any angle my mind can conjure up...and the only thing is this...

TRUST...let go...live, laugh and love. It's not about me. I just live here. I do not know who, or what much less, when, where or why. And the kicker is...I don't need too. I want to, but I don't need to know. I'm on a need to know basis and I don't need to know. Boo

I am fearful. But there is no fear in love and so I have to let go of that as my identity. I am no longer fearful. It is written on my bathroom mirror.

I am so thankful for friends and sister-in-loves who have allowed me to vent and process without judgment. For children who pull my heart strings and allow me to love beyond my comprehension, more each and every day. And for a husband who wants to love me and allows me to love him in return. Not just the mushy butterflies but in the trenches, in the nitty gritty monotony of life...ya know the whole 3 months we've been married :-)

I'm not over this, and I'm not strong. I'm just trying to enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow. Whatever shall be shall be and the sooner I realize this and let go on my desire to control and organize every aspect of my life, I'll be a much happier and healthier person.