count to ten

Yesterday, I sat to write...but I was so emotional, nothing was coming out right. I'm not convinced today will be much better, but I am going to try regardless.

I know the vast difference between who I was 5 years ago and who I am today. Others may not see it, but I feel it daily. I feel it because I still fight against the grain of my soul to "be still".

Every cell in my DNA wants justice for my battered heart.

We went to have the child support orders reviewed. It had been four years and it was time. I sat in the office next to a man I used to know. My feelings were ALL over the place! It was the first time we had been in the same room for an extended amount of time since the summer of '07. Well, really the spring. Since the day he told me he was leaving. There were a few, shall we say "visits", but very little talking was done and if it was, it was not civil to say the least. Not to mention, he did not have his keeper. Only the two of us were allowed in the meeting. To say I was skeptical is a comical attempt to describe my mindset.

It took me off guard when he commented on the review processo'rs degree, taking her off guard as well. Instantly I remembered the kick under the table in Gruene. I had jokingly said to a friend that he was the nicest guy I know, when he wants something. His strategy worked like a charm. Although he had been told to bring his W-2's to verify his income, he failed to bring them so she took his word at face value.

ha.ha.ha.

From there on the meeting went down hill. I have the right to contest it. But I won't. It won't do any good. I don't want his money anyhow.

I did however want someone to hold this man accountable. Just for once, I wanted him to feel the consequence of his choice. And since I know money is the only thing dear to his heart, this was the one chance I felt like he might actually "feel" the weight of his choice.

Ha.ha.ha.

The cherry on top was hearing his snide remark about how he would , "never get divorced again, it sucked so bad the first time". My tongue is still sore from me chomping down on it. So hard?! Pretty sure I am the one STILL paying it off of the credit cards! Pretty sure I was the one who had the meetings with the lawyer and showed up for court. Pretty sure I was the one who had to face our daughter and explain to the that Daddy wasn't happy with me, so he went to live with his "friend". I am the one whose heart was shredded when our innocent baby asked why Daddy didn't love her anymore. He has no idea how hard our divorce was. Of all the shrapnel like words that have been spit from that man's mouth...this was the most vile declaration and it was all I could do not to vomit all over that poor woman's desk!

I think he may be confused about the definition of the word never.

As I sat in my chair, looking away trying desperately to still the tears, I remembered the man who informed me he never even wanted divorce to be in his kids vocabulary. Who promised he would NEVER hurt me and that he would NEVER leave his family. I remembered this man, looked to my side and saw him sitting there and my heart hurt. Despite it all~there is still love in my heart for him.

Lord have mercy...I am happy. I love my husband. But I cannot honestly say that love him with all of my heart, because I no longer have all of my heart. I love Ryan will all that I have left.

After the meeting he knew I was vulnerable, it was the perfect time to attack, so he asks for extra time, to keep them till his birthday. My heart immediately says "as you wish". My mind catches up later and is furious...what about all the birthdays I have missed, mine and theirs?! I've never made him wait fro DAYS to celebrate Christmas with his daughters. And yet...I give him what he asks for, almost every time!

He wants people to feel sorry for him because he only gets a fraction of time. This faction of time that was the result of his choice and which just to happens to be the majority of their "free" time. Meanwhile my time is filled with the responsibility or raising them, taking them to school and fighting over chores, homework and instilling morals.

He wants me to forget that I do all the work of raising out daughters while he pays for "daycare". In the eyes of the OAG, he is a model father.

The only one who sees him for the lying, cheating coward he is, is me. And silly little girl that I am, I love him in spite of it. Aghhh...makes me so angry!

Maybe next time I'll try counting to ten thousand...