Mirror

Normally by this time I year, I'd have the house decked out! Unfortunately, my house is devoid of any and all Christmas decor. This makes my heart hurt.

Ryan says we will do it this weekend, which I know is the first of December but it already feels like I am behind the game. I get a limited amount of "Christmas" time with children I carried and gave birth to...to have "wasted" a single moment of it, slaughters my soul.

Some of you may read my blog and think "get the freak over it already". To you I say ~walk a mile in my shoes. Until then, go take a stroll off a steep hill.

I am so excited to see their faces on Christmas morning...but that will have to wait. Two days, 48 hours, 2880 minutes...excruciating minutes that I will be waiting, holding my breath. Axel will have to wait 172,800 seconds to celebrate Christmas with his sisters. The first Christmas he will understand and he has to sit still and wait.

One more thing I would never dream of asking him to do to the other A's. Yet, he has no problem making such a selfish request. All I can do is shake my head in utter disgust with myself. Will I ever stop believing and hoping for the best from this man...

Probably not.

Even still...I have my daughters. I have time with them NOW. We will not wait one more day. TODAY we will decorate the house. We will make cookies and take pictures. We will dance to Christmas songs, read Christmas books a hundred times and watch Christmas movies.

We will find our Christmas spirit and we will be thankful for the time we have because as unfair as it may feel...there are so many families out there who can only wish they had a moment more.

Just this morning, I fussed at Melia about being "ungrateful". I wonder where she gets that from.

Oh mirror, mirror...