Intentions and purpose

I'm still trying to figure this all out. The pain is subsiding to waves that wash over me and the storm is calming as the waves seem more the like the tide going back out now. I'm stronger. As our relationship, when it is good it is really good, and when it is bad it is really bad. I still have moments where tears overwhelm me and I feel like i have run into a brick wall. But they are brief and becoming less frequent. He moved on, and without realizing it I have too. Not to another person or another relationship just simply realizing who I am, and who I am not.

Mostly who I am. I've known all along who I am not. I am quite honest with people when they meet me. It is not until I fear you will leave that I begin to hide myself, morphing into what I feel you want me to be. I never claimed to be a pocket full of sunshine. I am genuine. I am hopeful. I am content. I am grateful and I cherish those feelings far above simple happiness because without being content and grateful, happiness is just a mask people wear. I love with all my heart and I give as much as I can. I am a dreamer. I am also a very determined woman. One who commits with all she has and sticks by her word. I am beyond rare in that I do not give up. I might get scared and hide, and I might test you and let you down...but I do not walk away. I admit my mistakes and I make it right.

And if I can be patient and be thankful for this moment I know that at some point I will meet a man who will actively choose to stay with me instead of looking for a reason to run. That is what love is, an action, a verb. Not just in the holding of hands or kissing, but in the rough moments of life when you have to be tough. In that moment where it all seems so miserable and exhausting, all you can think about is running away or finding someone to make you happy and have fun with. When you truly LOVE someone, in that moment you take their hand and renew your intentions and purpose, choosing to stay. I feel sad for those chasing the dream that does not exist. They may find temporary happiness but at some point we all must face our demons.

I know that my heart is pure, intentions are honest and my purpose is strong. One day a man will see that and know I am worth any battle he must fight to be with me.

Until then, I will hope.