There has been a lot of active discussion on fb regarding women in the church. Specifically how women's behaviors influence men's behavior and how women unjustly carry the burden of leading men to sin.
I jumped right up on that bandwagon. It disgusts me when people insinuate that a provocatively dressed women are to blame for a man being a pig. Furthermore...it infuriates to think my daughters may find themselves with the same spiritual scars inflicted by the church at the hands of a man, whom she led to sin.
Then my Mom called me out. That is exactly what we (my family and I) do to her. Ouch!
The truth of the matter is, she did not force him to leave his family. She may have made herself available and enticing...but he took those steps on his own.
I know all of this. But my choosen (and flawed) perspective is this...
I will not hate him for who he is or what he has done. I have fought those feelings since I discovered that first text message. I have witnessed what it does to children when one parent bad mouths the other. I have always spoken honestly and highly of their father. At times the necessary honesty clouds the picture of his pristine reputation, but that also makes him real.
In order to protect my children, I project my hatred for their actions on her. It is not "right", but it is was is.
I believe it was her choice to accept this. Just as he weighed the pros of cons of divorcing me, she must have weighed the pros and cons of becoming involved with a married man with children. She accepted the role of step-mom and all that entails.
Regardless of my personal feelings or excuses, I do advise my girls to be respectful. I encourage them to consider her intentions rather than her actions. It pains me greatly, but I sacrifice for their emotional well being. And now having faced this truth, I will make a better effort to accept her as Christ sees her, in love for my daughters.
Because I am their Momma, and that is what Momma's do for their babies.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
"Good people, raising their babies right"
Gotta love a good grey's quote to start your day~
As I sit her nomnomnom-ing on chocolate donut holes and a second cup of coffee, I am struck by how often I mistake my daily indulgences for entitled basic rights.
This breakfast is by no means my "right". It is pure luxury.
I woke this morning in my sliver of bed, next to the most perfect boys on the planet and my sweet slumber was interrupted by the screeching baby dog across the house.
What sometimes feels like the most annoying things are actually some of our greatest blessings. We live in a large home, sleep on a clean sheets with blankets to protect us from our frigid air conditioning, have multiple bedrooms and the option to let our kids learn responsibility and nurturing by loving on animals.
It all comes down to perspective. This is something our family is actively working on.
Need versus want, blessing versus burden, happy versus sad.
My mind is overrun with thoughts.
But at the end of that day, at the end of a what felt like a wretched week, I have the breakthru...
My kids are incredible. What I am doing, is of the utmost importance and I kinda rock it!
How lucky am I that I have the privilege of doing something all day, every day that I am not only enjoy-but in the words of the barista at outdoor waco, makes me a "rockstar".
As I sit her nomnomnom-ing on chocolate donut holes and a second cup of coffee, I am struck by how often I mistake my daily indulgences for entitled basic rights.
This breakfast is by no means my "right". It is pure luxury.
I woke this morning in my sliver of bed, next to the most perfect boys on the planet and my sweet slumber was interrupted by the screeching baby dog across the house.
What sometimes feels like the most annoying things are actually some of our greatest blessings. We live in a large home, sleep on a clean sheets with blankets to protect us from our frigid air conditioning, have multiple bedrooms and the option to let our kids learn responsibility and nurturing by loving on animals.
It all comes down to perspective. This is something our family is actively working on.
Need versus want, blessing versus burden, happy versus sad.
My mind is overrun with thoughts.
But at the end of that day, at the end of a what felt like a wretched week, I have the breakthru...
My kids are incredible. What I am doing, is of the utmost importance and I kinda rock it!
How lucky am I that I have the privilege of doing something all day, every day that I am not only enjoy-but in the words of the barista at outdoor waco, makes me a "rockstar".
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Waco=Home
What?! When, where, why...how did that happen?
Fours years ago we moved here. We bought a home, enrolled kids in school, shopped, had babies, visited churches, we lived here...but when did it become HOME?!
Although we have been here for 4 years, There are many streets I've never dared to drive down and areas of town I don't even know about. But somehow it still happened.
Today as I was standing in an decrepit parking lot, taking pictures of an abandoned building, a sweet older gentleman came up to us and began to tell us about the history of the concrete slab we were standing on. I look around, watched my son pick up rocks and jump down the steps of what used to be a produce house on Elm St. my heart stopped and I felt my soul whisper, "home. stay awhile".
I looked around and felt my eyes get teary...wait. No. This is Waco. This is NOT my home.
But it is. This is my sons birth place. Their hometown. They are our family...this is our home.
It may not always be our home. But today, it is.
This is where my girls have blossomed. Where they have stood alone, made new friends, faced heartache, disappointment and fear. This is home because along with all of that...this is where they have excelled. This is where we have been brave enough to dream and strong enough to let go of the baggage of our heartache and chase new dreams. This is where we have healed.
This is where we became a family. This is where we are making memories and leaving our imprint.
This is where our hearts are. This is home.
Fours years ago we moved here. We bought a home, enrolled kids in school, shopped, had babies, visited churches, we lived here...but when did it become HOME?!
Although we have been here for 4 years, There are many streets I've never dared to drive down and areas of town I don't even know about. But somehow it still happened.
Today as I was standing in an decrepit parking lot, taking pictures of an abandoned building, a sweet older gentleman came up to us and began to tell us about the history of the concrete slab we were standing on. I look around, watched my son pick up rocks and jump down the steps of what used to be a produce house on Elm St. my heart stopped and I felt my soul whisper, "home. stay awhile".
I looked around and felt my eyes get teary...wait. No. This is Waco. This is NOT my home.
But it is. This is my sons birth place. Their hometown. They are our family...this is our home.
It may not always be our home. But today, it is.
This is where my girls have blossomed. Where they have stood alone, made new friends, faced heartache, disappointment and fear. This is home because along with all of that...this is where they have excelled. This is where we have been brave enough to dream and strong enough to let go of the baggage of our heartache and chase new dreams. This is where we have healed.
This is where we became a family. This is where we are making memories and leaving our imprint.
This is where our hearts are. This is home.
Three years with you, Axel Jude
Three years ago this boy entered our world and staked his claim on our hearts. Three years has flown by so quickly I cannot even fathom where the time has gone? It seems in many ways, that it was just yesterday that we moved to Waco, although it has been 4 years this summer.
Axel turning three looks like this...
He is still concretely attached to his "hush". It is always the last battle I fight. The one we are currently winning is potty training. Once again, we choose to let him do it in his own time and it has worked quite well (thus far!). Our only hiccup was finding a motivating factor. The key seems to have been a puppy. Less than 24 hours after the mention of a pup, he had a completely unprompted/unassisted poo in the pot. We have had trips to BCS, around town and full days and nights accident free. I am incredibly proud of this little guy.
He is a master at communication~he can tell you precisely what he is thinking, what he wants, what you should not do...and just last weekend he told me I looked beautiful because I was wearing a skirt. Last night, while running around town with Jubilee, little flirt saw some girls and was staring with stars in his eyes. I asked him if they were beautiful and he just blushed and shook his head "yes".
He loves his family. He honestly enjoys Archer and the way they find and cuddle each other at naps is the sweetest.thing.ever. He adores his sisters and misses them so much when they are gone. His Dad is his best friend. And He loves his momma like only a baby boy can.
I know I say this about all my kids, but his is too smart for his own good! The way he thinks, blows my mind. Although I am not a fan of the fact that he plays xBox with his Daddy...I am in awe of how well he plays. He has a very strategic mind and plays with a comprehension and skill level far above his age.
He is strong. He is smart. He is kind. He is cool. He loves his family with a greater love than I could ever put into words.
We are so blessed by the privilege of being his family.
Axel turning three looks like this...
He is still concretely attached to his "hush". It is always the last battle I fight. The one we are currently winning is potty training. Once again, we choose to let him do it in his own time and it has worked quite well (thus far!). Our only hiccup was finding a motivating factor. The key seems to have been a puppy. Less than 24 hours after the mention of a pup, he had a completely unprompted/unassisted poo in the pot. We have had trips to BCS, around town and full days and nights accident free. I am incredibly proud of this little guy.
He is a master at communication~he can tell you precisely what he is thinking, what he wants, what you should not do...and just last weekend he told me I looked beautiful because I was wearing a skirt. Last night, while running around town with Jubilee, little flirt saw some girls and was staring with stars in his eyes. I asked him if they were beautiful and he just blushed and shook his head "yes".
He loves his family. He honestly enjoys Archer and the way they find and cuddle each other at naps is the sweetest.thing.ever. He adores his sisters and misses them so much when they are gone. His Dad is his best friend. And He loves his momma like only a baby boy can.
I know I say this about all my kids, but his is too smart for his own good! The way he thinks, blows my mind. Although I am not a fan of the fact that he plays xBox with his Daddy...I am in awe of how well he plays. He has a very strategic mind and plays with a comprehension and skill level far above his age.
He is strong. He is smart. He is kind. He is cool. He loves his family with a greater love than I could ever put into words.
We are so blessed by the privilege of being his family.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
More than target...
All day I've been struggling to find words that would express my feelings...Josanna Gaither Golden did a great job on IG wishing our bear a happy birthday. I want to take a little different approach. I want to express not only joy, but gratitude for the amazing gift we were all given 21 years ago. While I know she is human and therefore must have some sort of sin nature, I can honestly say- I think she is the most perfect person I've ever met. She was a beautiful baby, I'll never forget the one day she would not stop crying and I wrapped her like a tiny burrito and took her outside and she instantly fell asleep. I cherish the memories of teaching her colors (and worrying that she was color blind) and how to swim. Watching her splash in mud puddles in the frilliest dress and rainboots. She was my church buddy, babysitting buddy and driving buddy. And today she is one of my dearest friends and closest confidants. I am beyond proud if her heart. She is selfless to a fault. She is a treasure and I pity any man who attempts to claim her heart. It will be a challenge unlike any other, as her heart fully belongs to God. Not to mention her brothers and dad and tiny nephews. If by some miracle he makes it past all that- he still has all her "Momma's" to prove himself worthy to. I pray for this boy daily. There is so much more I want to say and I could go in for pages- but I think people are getting the idea- this girl is loved beyond words or measure. And I am so looking forward to watching this little world changer continue on her path. I am thankful for the impact she has made in my life. Holding me accountable, pushing me to be better. Listening to me and helping me learn to laugh at the obnoxious soap opera of my life. None of these words even begin to cover just how much this girl means to each of us... She has been a light from day one, and continues to shine brightly even on the darkest of days. Happy birthday dear bear... I love you more than target and coffee and caramel corn combined!!!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Back in the day
Once upon a time there was this girl, who had it all figured out. HA!
February is always interesting for me, and this year is no different-although it is. This year we celebrated Abigail's 12th birthday and as I looked back through her baby pictures, the memories washed over me again.
But this year was different, as I took captive the painful thoughts and longings. I reminded myself gently that I don't even know him anymore. Abigail's father, the man I married, my best friend is gone. He left a long time ago and the empty shell of a man I see every other week, is a stranger.
This year has changed so many things for me. I have grown in ways I can't express. Mainly...I no longer feel the need to do so. I long to write~I miss it like I miss painting and running. Not because I am good at either, but because it is the only time I feel free.
I am hurting because it is a familiar emotion, and one that comes easily. It opens the floodgates and cleanses my heart. And I don't change it because change scares me.
I see this in my girl and I realize...I must change. I must be better for her.
And so I do.
I miss people because I associate them with the time in my life when I felt like I had it all together. I had life in control. I had accomplished every goal I ever had and I still had my entire life ahead of me. Momma was right~it was the "honeymoon" of my life. Early twenties, newly independent, married to my best friend and Mom to the "perfect" child, a job I was good at and where I felt valued for the first time and still close enough to see my family daily.
But I had a lot of growing up left to do. I still do.
I see my girls with new eyes. I love them more every day. I am learning to acknowledge their intentions with grace, rather than judge them by their actions. They are simply imitating what they see...Part of this is my responsibility and part of it is something I have no control over. Neither do they.
I look at this girl and I see a younger, more perfect me. I see her father, and all his tenacity and determination. And I cry. Because I have failed her...and I have been given a second chance.
February is always interesting for me, and this year is no different-although it is. This year we celebrated Abigail's 12th birthday and as I looked back through her baby pictures, the memories washed over me again.
But this year was different, as I took captive the painful thoughts and longings. I reminded myself gently that I don't even know him anymore. Abigail's father, the man I married, my best friend is gone. He left a long time ago and the empty shell of a man I see every other week, is a stranger.
This year has changed so many things for me. I have grown in ways I can't express. Mainly...I no longer feel the need to do so. I long to write~I miss it like I miss painting and running. Not because I am good at either, but because it is the only time I feel free.
I am hurting because it is a familiar emotion, and one that comes easily. It opens the floodgates and cleanses my heart. And I don't change it because change scares me.
I see this in my girl and I realize...I must change. I must be better for her.
And so I do.
I miss people because I associate them with the time in my life when I felt like I had it all together. I had life in control. I had accomplished every goal I ever had and I still had my entire life ahead of me. Momma was right~it was the "honeymoon" of my life. Early twenties, newly independent, married to my best friend and Mom to the "perfect" child, a job I was good at and where I felt valued for the first time and still close enough to see my family daily.
But I had a lot of growing up left to do. I still do.
I see my girls with new eyes. I love them more every day. I am learning to acknowledge their intentions with grace, rather than judge them by their actions. They are simply imitating what they see...Part of this is my responsibility and part of it is something I have no control over. Neither do they.
I look at this girl and I see a younger, more perfect me. I see her father, and all his tenacity and determination. And I cry. Because I have failed her...and I have been given a second chance.
I'll fly away
As I aim to find the positives in my struggles, I am gently reminded of those whose suffering is far greater than mine. I believe with every cell in my being we are not given more than we can bear, but there are certainly times I still question. With the news of a dear soul's passing~I am reminded once again of happier times.
I will never forget my time at AHMC. In many ways I feel like I grew up there. I began babysitting two little girls in the summer of 2000, beginning a journey, finding friends and building relationships that would forever impact my life. With Donna's passing, I feel one more door closing on that fairy tale time of my life.
I am honored to have known her, blessed to call her friend and embarrassed that I did not keep in touch better over the years. She was one of the first people who showed my that despite what others say or think of you~what you think of yourself matters more. That I had every reason to stand proud, despite my "failures". She was a wonderful, beautiful, strong and loving woman and she will be greatly missed!
That being said~I am glad she is pain free and I trust that I will hug her again. I look forward to seeing her smile and hearing her laugh.
And I pray that I am able to take note of this and make better efforts to stay in touch with those that I love. :-)
I will never forget my time at AHMC. In many ways I feel like I grew up there. I began babysitting two little girls in the summer of 2000, beginning a journey, finding friends and building relationships that would forever impact my life. With Donna's passing, I feel one more door closing on that fairy tale time of my life.
I am honored to have known her, blessed to call her friend and embarrassed that I did not keep in touch better over the years. She was one of the first people who showed my that despite what others say or think of you~what you think of yourself matters more. That I had every reason to stand proud, despite my "failures". She was a wonderful, beautiful, strong and loving woman and she will be greatly missed!
That being said~I am glad she is pain free and I trust that I will hug her again. I look forward to seeing her smile and hearing her laugh.
And I pray that I am able to take note of this and make better efforts to stay in touch with those that I love. :-)
What I have to say
I am finished hiding. I don't have an abundance of time, but when I do have time, I like to write. I didn't write things I was ashamed of. If I had anything to hide, why would I have written about it? Why did I stop. Why did I allow myself to be silenced? Whatever the reason, I'm in a different place now and I have things to say and I'm not scared.
I am 4 classes short of my Bachelors. Something I never imagined possible, but here I am. Those last 4 classes are "extras", I choose Intro to Counseling knowing that I needed a "tune-up" but finding the time to take it was like pulling teeth. I didn't imagine it would be easy, I knew it would challenge me. Three weeks in and I feel like my guts have been pulled out, put through the wringer, and hung up to dry outside of my body. (GORY LOL) But it feels good, like spring cleaning.
There is a lot I already knew, some stuff I had forgotten, and lots of new ways of looking at life.
First of all~PURPOSE. I am not here to "be happy" according to our current understanding of happiness. Nor am I here to please others. I am here to live presently. My reactions to difficult happenings are what determine my happiness. I didn't understand this before. I felt happy but others didn't perceive me as happy because when things went "wrong" I allowed them to elicit an intense emotional response. This is not to say I should be made of stone~but when I have a bad day with the kids, does it really mean they hate me?! If a parent questions me, it doesn't mean they don't trust me or they are pulling their kids. If my husband leaves me, does it mean I am a failure? No.
I know these situations are not the end of the world, but they hurt my heart and I felt that expressing those emotions was justified.
I am discovering there are other ways of expressing those hurts that do not in turn hurt others.
I make a valiant effort not to say negative things about the girls Dad to them. I always have. But I did tell them the truth, whether good or bad. It was important for me to be authentic with them, so they would be able to trust and confide in me. At the time, I felt that was right. I still do. There was a time and place for truth, and now there is a time and place for redirection. What happened, happened. It was traumatic. But we are stronger because of it. And we can help others because we can be happy despite the sadness. It is time to embrace the direction this life is taking us.
We learn everyday. We can't take back what we've done but we can do better. Today I will do better.
I need to check my actions and intentions, while I strive to handle things correctly and protect my daughters hearts~am I also loving God and reflecting Him in my reactions?
God's will is just that. HIS will, not mine. When things happen that are out of my control, when things go in a direction that alters from where I think they "should", am I reacting in faith? No, I stress, I get angry and feel victimized. When in reality~it likely has nothing to do with me.
As my soul was being formed into a human being, my life was already planned. Each day, every event, every.single.tear accounted for. All before I even took my first breath. I accepted this life.
I don't trust people as a result of some of the circumstances, but I can trust God. I can trust that at the end of my life~none of this will matter and my life will have been full of beauty and meaning.
This also means I shouldn't live in fear of what others think or might do.
I know this in my heart. I have known since I was tee-niny. And I am prepared for the Poohurricane that will likely follow this.
I always liked dancing in the rain. :-)
I am 4 classes short of my Bachelors. Something I never imagined possible, but here I am. Those last 4 classes are "extras", I choose Intro to Counseling knowing that I needed a "tune-up" but finding the time to take it was like pulling teeth. I didn't imagine it would be easy, I knew it would challenge me. Three weeks in and I feel like my guts have been pulled out, put through the wringer, and hung up to dry outside of my body. (GORY LOL) But it feels good, like spring cleaning.
There is a lot I already knew, some stuff I had forgotten, and lots of new ways of looking at life.
First of all~PURPOSE. I am not here to "be happy" according to our current understanding of happiness. Nor am I here to please others. I am here to live presently. My reactions to difficult happenings are what determine my happiness. I didn't understand this before. I felt happy but others didn't perceive me as happy because when things went "wrong" I allowed them to elicit an intense emotional response. This is not to say I should be made of stone~but when I have a bad day with the kids, does it really mean they hate me?! If a parent questions me, it doesn't mean they don't trust me or they are pulling their kids. If my husband leaves me, does it mean I am a failure? No.
I know these situations are not the end of the world, but they hurt my heart and I felt that expressing those emotions was justified.
I am discovering there are other ways of expressing those hurts that do not in turn hurt others.
I make a valiant effort not to say negative things about the girls Dad to them. I always have. But I did tell them the truth, whether good or bad. It was important for me to be authentic with them, so they would be able to trust and confide in me. At the time, I felt that was right. I still do. There was a time and place for truth, and now there is a time and place for redirection. What happened, happened. It was traumatic. But we are stronger because of it. And we can help others because we can be happy despite the sadness. It is time to embrace the direction this life is taking us.
We learn everyday. We can't take back what we've done but we can do better. Today I will do better.
I need to check my actions and intentions, while I strive to handle things correctly and protect my daughters hearts~am I also loving God and reflecting Him in my reactions?
God's will is just that. HIS will, not mine. When things happen that are out of my control, when things go in a direction that alters from where I think they "should", am I reacting in faith? No, I stress, I get angry and feel victimized. When in reality~it likely has nothing to do with me.
As my soul was being formed into a human being, my life was already planned. Each day, every event, every.single.tear accounted for. All before I even took my first breath. I accepted this life.
I don't trust people as a result of some of the circumstances, but I can trust God. I can trust that at the end of my life~none of this will matter and my life will have been full of beauty and meaning.
This also means I shouldn't live in fear of what others think or might do.
I know this in my heart. I have known since I was tee-niny. And I am prepared for the Poohurricane that will likely follow this.
I always liked dancing in the rain. :-)
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Rumblings of reality
Today I heard that the second of my three "daycare" kids are sick. Being better than a daycare is something I strive for and this last week I am feeling a deep sense of failure. Despite all my precautions, this illness spread and my home was the petri dish. Up until now, I have based my success and value on the fact that the kids I've watched have not shared any serious illness. Even colds and tummy bugs have been minor, few and far between., I can count on one hand the "communicable" illnesses we've contained in 14 years of childcare. I'm struggling personally as I fear for my baby realizing I've put him in jeopardy, making the exact choice I said I would never make again. I tell my friends it's not their fault, that they couldn't have known... Why can't I extend that same grace to myself. I can't help but question the underlying cause- what lesson am I supposed to glean from this? And if it's me that's supposed to learn the lesson... Why are my kids (birthed and borrowed) suffering? Maybe it's just my hormones but my anxiety is high and my heart is hurting. I'm not looking for validation or comfort... I'm processing.
I hear the whispers and warnings. I hesitate with doubt and fear. I don't want to disappoint. I don't want to be vulnerable and dependent.
I have the speech rolling around in my head, key phrases coming together but I don't write it down because I don't want it to be real. I'm not ready.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Long time coming
Last summer, we realized her feet were the same size as mine. Last week she put on a pair of my jeans from last spring (pre-preg). A few days ago she measured at 5'1, only an inch shorter than her mom, just a few days after turning 12. I've known since she was a baby that one day she would grow taller than me- I see that day on the horizon now.
This weekend she attended her first youth conference with the church youth group. Overnight, 2 hours away and she paid for the trip with her own money.
I've been saying I'm proud of her. How she is crazy cool. Mature and intelligent beyond her years. I'm running out of words... Daily she surprises me and leaves me speechless. She is nothing short of a miracle, my daily reminder of grace. I don't deserve her.
But I sure am glad that I get to watch her life unfold and am blessed to be a part of the beautiful journey her soul is on.
I love this girl more than all the words on all the pages of all the books she will ever read-
I hope this year is nothing short of what you deserve my beautiful Abigail. I hope you learn more than you imagined, I hope you imagine more than you ever dreamed. I pray you are surrounded by and feel love deeper than ever before. My wish is that you open yourself up to new challenges, setting goals and conquering everything that gets in your way.
I can't wait to see where this year takes you!
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