One ticket to Narnia

For a few months now I have been feeling exhausted, sad, overwhelmed…done. Not with any one particular area of my life but with all of it in general. I wasn’t sure what that meant in reality and I was trying to hide from it until I could process and plan. I took a full two weeks over the holidays to catch my breath and recoup. Sometimes, God gets sick of our incessant whining and when we refuse to move...a gentle shove in the “right” general direction is what any good parent will do.

It is a good move for all involved.  I am excited for this next chapter for each of these families but still sad. Each time I get a new group of kids, I know our time is limited. I am blessed to get years instead of semesters…knowing this reality doesn’t stop me from giving chunks of my heart away.

This is all I know. I’ve spent two decades of my life, claiming this as my purpose. And suddenly, it’s not.  I am good at what I do. I love what I do. There are a lot of pieces in play at the moment but the bottom line is; I love my family and I have to do what is best for us.

This is hard. Saying goodbye to families is difficult…but saying goodbye to 20 years of memories, efforts and “purpose”…for the unknown is excruciating.

My mom told me it would happen after I was finished with school. It took a year. But the “now what’s” are in full force. I can’t even conjure up a guess as to what is next. I am terrified and impatient. What do I do if I am not watching kids?! What will I do without my discretionary spending money? What will I *do* all day?!

Trust is the word I keeping hearing my soul whisper and it makes me angry. I understand I will be taken care of…my needs will be met. And how absurd is it that this annoys me. I don’t want my needs to be met…I want to be blessed. I want my efforts to be rewarded. While others are fighting for survival, I am irritated that my God will * only* meet my needs. I feel jipped that He is not blessed me for all my hard work.

How can He bless me if I keep getting in the way? I keep trying to plan to take care of myself since He isn’t doing it to my standards.

I am abundantly blessed…my children are healthy and for the most part, happy. They talk to me which is something I have taken for granted for years.  We live a comfortable life. In the pit of my stomach I feel ill typing this, heavy with shame. How can I say these things? I know better. Suddenly the fear comes back.  God will let you fall, leave you to stand alone and you will suffer. Pride and indignation….foolish child.

But this is not the voice of my God. This is the voice of my enemy, grown strong with years of verbal abuse and spiritual manipulation.

My God loves me. He wants GOOD things for me. I am stepping out, into “Narnia”. I do not have a clue what the future holds and I am shaking at the thought…but I know there IS a plan and HOPE.