Just some words

As I washed dishes and frantically straightened the kitchen this morning to find order and balance I started outlining what felt like 16 different posts. I am going to bullet point the thoughts and see what comes out and if any of it makes sense.

* B's relationship with the girls. I want to share what I see and feel...but I also want to respect my daughters. He gets to live his life his way and we get to live ours. It doesn't make any of us less worthy of goodness, happiness or peace. My desire to share with him is still a foolish hope to reconnect with a person who was my friend and whom I miss. That will never go away, because that love was pure and real. More than just about anything in the world, I wish desperately I could make our girls feel the security of knowing their Mom and Dad loved each other and that they are a result of the absolute best of both of us and that love.

* The ability to dissect and recognize, and separate intention from actions or words, mine or someones else's is symbolic of growth. And strength.

* In this marriage I vowed to do better as I learned, and yet I found myself repeating so many of the same mistakes. I have been loyal and faithful but these are not strengths; Accepting unacceptable behaviors and giving forgiveness that was not deserved or requested is a survival skill, not a badge of honor. No matter how many people told me the things that were happening were not my fault, in my mind (because I know the only one I can change is me...) I was constantly trying to figure out what I had done wrong or what was so broken in me and how could I change or improve and therefore be worthy of love. Redirecting my attention and focus inward to rediscover my own soul has been a difficult and heartbreaking road. Loving yourself after years and years of claiming fault is hard. This path has been to acceptance has been tangled and treacherous. Navigating between self worth and ego is not for the faint of heart.

*I hope I am teaching my children that it is perfectly acceptable and even sometimes brave to love yourself enough to tell the ones you love no. That you have permission to "love" yourself more than others. That love is not a constant laying down of yourself as a sacrifice. Self worth is not a bargaining chip to be offered again and again, in exchange for love or peace.

*I hope I have shown them that contentment and complacency are so very different. You can set and achieve goal after goal and it doesn't make you an unhappy, dissatisfied or negative person. Instead to claim ambition, inspiration and make investments in hope for a better future because that is beyond measure of value.

*Of all my achievements, being present in my children's lives was, and still is the one thing I will not waver on. I have made each and every choice in life in order to be the very best mom I am capable of being for these children.

* I have messed that up more than I ever thought possible...because there are no perfect people or perfect methods to living life. I am not a perfect parent and I do not have perfect children. I have disappointed my children and my children have disappointed me. I have lost my cool when my children acted like fools and sometimes for no reason at all. I am certain I have damaged them in ways I don't even know yet and still they love me and have absolute faith in their ability to do anything they set their minds to. Unconditional love and unwavering confidence, supported by a love of learning, and God given ability to be resilient in the face of adversity...these are my hope and prayers for my kids.

*I love feeling my soul come to life and share my beauty and emotion with others. I stopped because I relapsed and allowed other people's opinions to be more valuable than my own. Then I remembered I am allowed to have joy all my own and this, typing these words and seeing them in black and white makes me smile and feel worthy in a tangible way.

 *I am not naive enough to think it is life changing for anyone besides me. I know that it being life changing for me is enough to make it worth sharing here. If for no other reason than someday, somewhere down the road someone may read it and see or hear my heart. And that person may only be me on a sad day when I need to remember and still, that is completely worth the space these letters take up. Because each and every day I deserve space in the universe and if I deserve space in the universe, I definitely deserve space in someone's heart. And this is where I circle back around to seeking...and allowing myself the freedom to imagine all the ways it could be better.

nothingness

The universe is kinda cool sometimes. This week it just so happens that I have zero kids. The boys have gone to visit Dallas family, while Amelia is at her Dad's and Abigail is at Guard Leadership Camp.

If you had asked me 7 years ago how I felt about this...I would have probably had a panic attack and masked those symptoms by planning all the things; from traveling to knocking out home improvements projects or an awful combination of both. Oh, and doing school cause that is what I was doing in my "spare" time back then. 

But now...I am willing myself to do absolutely nothing. Well, my version of nothing which includes reading books, learning to meditate (yes learn...because I have to deprogram myself from the aforementioned methods of survival.) and writing.

I am a walking contradiction.

A few of the things the universe is bringing to my attention are...

The multiple masks/filters I employ daily. Others have loved me well enough to call attention to them but only I can remove them. I think I started wearing masks about the time of the divorce. I have always had them but after B left...I did whatever I could to survive. I told myself this was the chance to start over, To figure out who I am. Truth is...when I was married to Brent was when I first found myself and dared to take off one or two. I found a man I freaking adored (but had no clue how to love) and who I believed loved me in return. I felt strong and confident...because I was feeding off of him and his complete acceptance of me. He was the first person to see me without the filters of christianity. Time brings with it understanding, like why he left and why I was so very destroyed. It was when I was so determined to "find myself"  that I began obsessively collecting masks to cover the hideous mess I believed I was.

During this time I questioned everything. I read all the books. Tried to change who I was. 

In doing so, I realize that as long as we are reading books someone else wrote, following someone else's plan or patterning our lives after a particular set of rules or religion...we are not being who we were created to be. 

We can take suggestions or follow their journey but unless we are allowing ourselves to make the journey on our own, are we really living?

What this means is  books will speak to us...but not "fix" us. Because they only "fixed" the person who wrote them. Writing those words in that order may have an impact and direct us or our path, but they are not our words.  It's like the seasoning, the brushstrokes or the threads, but as a whole we are all different and we cannot be the same or have the same experiences.

The thoughts are still a jumbled mess in my head but for today getting something out was as essential to me as breathing. None of this is a profound realization or cure, but a moment in which I took off a mask and let the world see me. 

For those of you like me, who are having trouble with finding yourself, your center or purpose...I highly recommend The Happiness Project as a light read. It has spoken to me in a phenomenal way. Also today I am ordering a Panda Planner because I think it will speak to me.

*** I'm guessing this was written over a year ago. Since that was the summer I had time alone. But today felt like a good day to share it with the world.

Mother's Day, to the ones who made it so.

 Abigail~when you were a not-so-tiny, tiny babe among the nicknames that rolled out of my mouth was Babushka. I do not know where it came from but someone said they thought it meant "grandma". I stopped calling you that but in my mind it was fitting because you have an old soul, full to the top of wisdom. Your intricate mind, aware and interested in all the little things. Your heart, becoming so brave and fierce… I could not be more proud of you. 

Amelia- you exude a joy that sometimes I cannot even comprehend. You teach me every day how bright the sun can shine and how much a heart can love, that no matter what, it is going to be ok. You frighten me in the best possible way living a life that is overflowing. 

Axel Jude…What do I say about you. You and your wicked little smile destroyed me. Your laughter and your naughtiness…you wrecked me. Like your sisters, your intelligence baffles me. How I had smart, creative kids, I will never understand. Your stooopidsmart brain…reasons and questions so well. I will never stop pushing you because you push back and for this I am abundantly filled with thanks. 

Archer, Oh, Archer Tayto… you my wild child are the gold in the cracks. You have broken our hearts wide open, picked up the pieces and put us all back together. You do not just wreck me, you wreck us all. You are determined to do this life your own way, much like your siblings; but also not to be outdone…you kick it all up 90 notches and we are just along for the ride.

  

All the things I could say about each of you and you’ve made my life so much more. How each one of you are SO loved and wanted, that I am so honored to be in the audience as you live out your dreams. I pray I have given you solid roots so that you can grow, reaching for the sky in any direction you choose and never give way to the winds that try you unearth you. I pray so much for each of you…but more than my prayers I hope you feel seen and known, and that you know how rich and abundant you have made my life just by being the life-sucking, annoying, pains in my everywhere that you are. You are my reasons for living, my purest passions and wildest hopes.

Aside from my own little parasites; 33 kids over 21 years; 25 families that have become an extension of ours…I am overwhelmed.

A year ago I wrote of the changes coming. It was a bit longer process than I imagined…but sometimes fear makes it hard to take the leap of faith. Sometimes circumstances push you so far out of your comfort zone you don’t know how you will ever make it back to “okay”, and yet somehow in the end you see how perfectly timed it all was.

Instead of debilitating fear, I feel an excited rush of hope. Stronger now, I push aside the feelings of fear and guilt and think of how each of these kids has gone from my house, bigger and wiser and tell myself, I can do that too. I ca leave these walls and live a more abundant life. We have grown alongside each other but my kids need me to be able to just be their mom and I found a path that will allow me to do this better…I hope.

It’s not a single, short path. It’s a bright path with lots of options and that can also be intimidating…but in a good way. I’ve got a lot of life yet to live.

I tell myself if it goes this one way and I end up there, how awesome that could be. But if not, that it’s also awesome and ok. It is ok to try something and realize it’s not what brings you joy. It is ok to change your path…it doesn’t make you a failure. What if we approached the failures with a mindset of, “it wasn’t in my plan...but what if it's even better?".

What if we taught our kids to view life this way? Free? Life is calling and I can’t fully explain my heart but maybe I’ve given one person something to think about. If so, that’s good enough for me.

sit down and hush

I find myself saying this quite often as you may imagine. Today it has a different underlying message.  I have often felt called to share but every time that thought surfaces, I quickly stomp it back down in fear. I have four kids and have been working for years but I am realizing now that the most exhausting thing I have been doing is trying to stay put. Fighting against the current of life, stuffing my feet into too small shoes, wrapping my feet all the way around those chair legs.

What happens if I stop fighting?! I complained for YEARS about being in the waiting room...because I was too damn scared of what was outside. The fear, the pain, the struggle became my comfort. When joy presented itself- I hid, for fear that when I stepped out the sky would fall. I plan my movements around "Murphy".

I decided to stop doing this. I am looking for new opportunities and trying all the things.

Over a decade ago, I had a revelation and confidently stated my purpose in parenting. Then the world tried to swallow me whole. It took years to find my footing...but I did it. I stood back up and climbed higher than I dared to dream.

 Today I am sitting on this familiar ledge, having learned and experienced a good bit and I want to share because it feels too good not to.

If you are a parent, please listen carefully. If you are not a parent, please listen carefully. Whether you believe in God or the Universe or takis...listen carefully.

You are here, in this moment and you are OK. You are alive, you are loved and you have places to go. You will feel lost and defeated...but there is a reason you are here on this earth. You have something to share. Take a deep breath, stand up straight and take a step.

If you like to talk to people...talk to all the people. If you need a day of silence; take a walk, listen to the wind in the trees, they will speak to your soul. If that sounds crazy then find what works for you. When you find what makes your  heart smile and you can feel the air deep in your lungs, be brave enough to share it if you think it will help someone.

Abigail is 16, and on the cusp of deciding she is too cool and too smart for me. I'm OK with that. Because it means she is BRAVE, It means I have given her what she needed. I gave her love and security and allowed her soul grow.

For Amelia being brave is autonomous, still I choose to see it as a good thing. They will face struggles but I want them to know it is OK to try and fail. Not to be confused with wanting them to fail but rather that I want them to know how to stand up, readjust and try again.

 We are working on completely different and yet the exact same things with the boys....but overall parenting comes down to a few simple thoughts.

You alone know how best to parent your children. You may read all the books. You may be active in all the parenting groups and triple wash all the organic foods. Regardless, you and your child will struggle. Your kid will act like a fool. You will react and feel regret. Pretending you don't...doesn't make you better, It makes you a liar.  Own it, readjust and try again.

When they fight and scream, handle it how your gut tells you to. If can bring yourself to give them a hug and help them find their calm, great. If you can't and you scream at them to go their room because you both need space- fantastic. If you handle it one way and feel gross, talk to your kid tell them you are sorry and ask them to help you make a plan. Give them ownership and watch them flourish.  You will flourish too.

At the end of the day ask yourself if you spent more time and energy trying to get your kid to sit still and behave so they didn't embarrass you... check your motivation. Remember your kids are their own person with their own purpose and you do not get to assign that. Regardless of how they ended up being "your kids"...there is a reason and it's not to make you feel good or famous. We are involved in kids lives to help them become who they are supposed to be. To give them courage, to help them learn to step in faith, to watch in awe as they go further and do more than we ever could.

Let your kids be who they are. You will be amazed at their awesomeness when you sit down and hush. They will look back to see if you are watching. When they fall don't rush to them (this was a hard one for me to learn, I can own it)...nod reassuringly that you know they can handle it and watch them grow. If you are really paying attention, they might even teach you something.

I'm gonna write again.

I have still been writing in all my spare time. I haven't been sharing though because I was scared. How can I tell my kids to be brave if I am not?!

I am going to start sharing again but fair warning; they will not be pinterest worthy posts. I may get the thoughts typed out, if I feel led I may hit publish, but there is a really good chance they won't be fully edited.

I am not looking for fame. I want to set an example my kids can follow. It is more important to me that you can hear who I am. I can't think of anything worse than my children stumbling across this blog, reading these words and asking themselves who is this stranger?!

If along the way, I share something that resonates in another parents soul and helps them find their footing or love their kids better-awesomesauce.

There is a much better chance I am going to irritate the "perfect" parents.

Oh well, shtuff happens. if you aren't ticking people off you aren't being real. I gotta live my life, especially if I want my kids to know they can live theirs. If nothing else we will all have a good laugh. Thanks for joining me on this leg of my journey to the grave.

“If you could get paid to do anything, what would you do?”

I was recently asked this question and it has turned my world upside down…not that my world has been right side up in awhile. After what feels like a lifetime of knowing and doing {pretty much} what I thought I always wanted to do; I find myself realizing this is no longer where I want to or am supposed to be.

Last spring life got an interesting little shake. After a hard couple of months one of my daycare families got an amazing opportunity and moved to Colorado. Normally this would be taken in stride but it shook me a little more than I was prepared for. I had been praying and this presented itself in a way that I did not appreciate. Regardless, I followed what I felt like was God’s direction and gave the other families notice. One of the families was able to find care and left, meanwhile I continued caring for the remaining family intermittently while I allowed my mind to wander the trails of other opportunities.  I updated and sent out my resume’, went on interviews and even went way out of my comfort zone to take (and pass) the physical and written exams for the police academy.

I held my breath, prayed and waited for “something better” and nothing changed.

Well, not nothing.

I wasn’t offered any jobs but I gained valuable experience, a touch of confidence and a dash of intrigue.

What does a life not spent loving littles look like? As my kids grow, they need me in a different way. They need me to be present in their world, which is expanding beyond the walls of our home. I sat at the dinner table last night listening to my nearly 16 year old tell me of the college options she had researched. She leaves in 2 weeks for a science completion of sorts in Colorado…which I should accompany her on, but because of my job I can’t. The job I sought out and fought for because it allowed me to be with my children is now the actual thing preventing me from being with my children.  My life is shifting and regardless of whether I like it or feel prepared…I have to shift with it because being stuck here without them is not an option.

I have no idea how to do this, so I do what I do…reflect and back track to try and get my sense of direction.

·         I wanted to be a mom. I became I mom. Four times.

·         I wanted to be a wife. I became a wife. Twice.

·         I wanted to watch babies. I’ve run a daycare out of my home…for the past 14 years. 7 years prior to that were spent being a nanny. I’ve watched babies for 21 years. OVER half of my life.

People always told me I’d outgrow it, “Watching babies isn’t a career”.

My husband left and I was determined to stand (stay) on my own so I got a degree.

Meanwhile, I still watched babies. I made it a career and it served my family well….for a few seasons.

Crazy things about seasons is just when you accept they will never change, the winds start blowing.

 Maybe there is something more fulfilling out there. Not that this isn’t my passion; Helping other mommas be the very best mommas they can be…but maybe it’s time to do that a little differently.  Or maybe it’s time to be really brave and dream a different dream because I have done this, a couple times over.

Except I am too tired to dream. I just want to sleep. I think back over all the things I’ve accomplished and endured the last decade, it gets really heavy. One of my strengths is a tendency to put my head down and just get it done. Then look back and wonder how they hell I survived?!

 I’m sitting trying to make my fingers keep up with, and sort through my thoughts so I can find the answer.

To that question…what would I do?

Because I can actually do anything I want to do…I just honestly no longer know what that is. I have a short list of things that I could do, (not without consequence) but none of them are the answer to the question that takes me to the next phase of life.

I’m standing here at this door with a ring full of keys…all I have to do is find the one to open the door and walk through and I will have escaped this waiting room I’ve taken up residence in. But the ring is heavy and there are SO many keys…and I just want to sleep.

For now I’ll be content with having cleared a tiny corner of my brain for a few moments. Maybe I will write again…in a year or so. Hopefully with a different story cause this one is getting really old.

midnight rants in my mind

Do you ever have those moments late at nights where just as your body begins to relax your mind suddenly has a breakthrough and all the answers to all the questions are *right there* and if you can just wake your mind up enough you know you could grasp them? Oh, you don't...you just fall asleep. Wow...and how?

Okay but really, I know I'm not the only one. Sometimes I can wake my brain, or maybe I just sleep solve my issues, but I can hardly ever gather my conscience enough to jot them down to type the illusive answers to all my problems. 

The other day the thought rain hit me in the shower. It had been such a good day with my kids and my brain woke from its mom-stupor and actually thought a new original what if I spent time creating lessons plans. I had come across an evaluation/grading rubric form one of my teachers at Liberty and her words resonated, wake my creative soul and I allowed myself a moment to dream of doing what I love. I even dreamed a bit future about writing enough I could put together a sort of curriculum for preschool teachers that would lay a whole different foundation by introducing concepts using their sense that allows the children to experience the content in an applicable manner, harnessing the wonder, natural inquisition and the immense brain power of the developing minds between the ages of 3 & 5...we could really change things!

And then my brain died a little because while the thought itself gets me silly excited...the how to begin stops any and all air and blood flow to my brain.

The thoughts resurfaced again a little later, but that was days ago and now I have had conversations with my 15 year old about parenting, the right and wrong ways, (cause you know teenagers know exactly how one should parent, correctly. Just kidding, she actually has really good insight and listens really well from what I see and hear).

Also...I have been missing my Mom because she flew the coop to the other side of the world and took my Dad with her this time. Dang parents...trying to go and do some good in this world really puts a cramp in my communication.

I had a plan to also cover how I am tryign to figure out how to feel good enough about myself not to care if I am perfect without somehow letting myself go so far that I circle back aroung to self loathing. This is a really tricky one.

And in my mind it also somehow relates to the events in my past that have left scars and make me wild and filled with a vile venom for all things patriarchal adn churchy...and how people are starting to wonder how i got so far away from how I was and how my parents raised me. 

Marriage yall...

But thats about all I have time for right now so I'll have to come back to this. In the meantime, if you want to actually follow a moms thought train through and actual and complete thought...google Cristina Boyce and check out her blgo today about loving your dang self.