I went to pick up my books for school today and was completely overwhelmed! I've been buying so many books lately in my search for purpose, meaning, fulfillment and direction.
I know what I am searching for...and I know all the *right* answers...but I just can't seem to find peace with my life. My mom gets irritated with me because I tell her I am angry with God...that I just can't feel him. She tells me to remember the footprints in the sand poem, and that the more I search for peace the more I will struggle. Peace is not the still, serene picture it is the bird who built the nest behind the waterfall...I know I know.
I do have peace because most nights when I lay my head down, I am OUT! I get up every morning and know it will be ok. That life will go on, I will get up and face the daily challenges of being a single Mom and know I am blessed. I don't live in an apartment or home with my parents. My ex-husband pays child support and actually spends extra money on gas to drive and see them weekly. I have food and clothes and I have a job that gives me the freedom enjoy my own kids. When I look at all that, I question how on earth I could be so selfish and feel like life is unfair.
Yes, I was a angry bitter ex-wife, but that was yesterday. Today I was able to honestly speak of Brent and not be angry. I am grateful for how much he does love his kids. I read back over some old letters and I was sad, but it seemed foreign, the words were unfamiliar and didn't hold the power that they used to . My heart didn't hurt and my eyes didn't fill with tears. The pain is subsiding as I move forward and the desire to have my *perfect* family is replaced with a stronger desire to follow God.
The purpose I find in this is that God wants me completely. He does not want to share me. He wants me to be the woman he created me to be...strong enough to stand on her own and raise her children in the way of the Lord. I don't want to be strong. I want to have my cookie cutter, simple and organized life. I don't want a makeshift, patchwork family... These words sting and terrify me. I do not want to be a single...it is not my will but His. What purpose could I possibly serve if I am angry and alone. But how can I choose to be angry that God loves me so much and wants to be my soul mate? He may not sentence me to solitary confinement forever but for the time being it has become pretty clear. I have to learn to be *HIS*. Jinon doesn't want to be alone just like Jinon didn't want the divorce...but it is not about Jinon. It is about God and bringing glory and honor to him. Yesterday I failed to do that, but I have the opportunity to take what I learned yesterday and the strength I've gathered today and the gift of tomorrow. Please pray with me as I continue to follow His will.
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