In spite of it all

Today I am grumpy. For no "good" reason. My reasons are no different than my friends. I have too much laundry. My children are children. School sucks...even more when you are an adult. Life causes stress, stress causes headaches. Headaches that do not respond to Tylenol...and I can't take Advil because I am currently playing the part of incubator. Oh, and I am CONSTANTLY hungry. I deny myself the reese's and ice cream and try to satisfy my cravings with strawberries, bananas and grapes. With Abigail and Amelia I was safe, my cravings were mostly fruit, maybe a steak. This kid...all he wants is junk food. I'm talking cheetos and chocolate. Already we are at war.

In spite of all this...I am grateful.

For the flutter kicks. For the tightness of my shirts and itchiness as my body expands to accommodate this growing child.

For the sweetness of my Melia. She loves to play nurse when Mommy has headaches. She gets cook rags and kisses my forehead. Today she played quietly with petshops and puzzles while I rested. We are "best friends" and I love her!

For Abigail, for coming home and taking Amelia to play outside. For having her homework done before she got home. For remembering not to yell, but to quietly shut the door and come ask permission to go outside. She is an angel.

For Ryan, who despite being in Arizona for the next few weeks, texts me to check in. Who works hard to provide for our family. I love him too.

For caffeine free coke, blue corn chips and veggie salsa. I am grateful for the opportunity to continue my education from the comfort of my own home, in my sweats while my daughter plays beside me. For friends who are there when I need them, even if its been too long since our last face to face visit. For facebook and the encouragement it provides.

If I may...I am really conflicted about this summer. I am going to lose 85% of our summer days this year. While I am grateful that the girls have a relationship with their Dad, I am having a very hard time not feeling cheated. I didn't want this. I hate losing those carefree special summer days to a daycare/daycamp. It makes no sense to me. It feels like a personal attack because he knows what time means to me. If he was taking it for himself it would be slightly more tolerable...but to steal those precious days and send them to camp, irks me beyond (polite) words. And it is not just me. Abigail will lose swim team this year. She will not see her BFF. All this because she will be with her Dad. I did not choose this. She did not choose this. He chose to leave and as a result we are constantly losing so he doesn't have to feel like a jerk. How is that right? Please pray that God will work a miracle. Please pray that the purpose of this will be revealed to Abigail and I. We are tired of suffering, for his comfort and convenience. I know there is a plan...in spite of it all.