Not an option

A question I feel like answering this week is...

Why did I keep Sanders.

Because that is who I am.

Before I got married, I was a Gaither. I love being a Gaither. It's my blood and not something I walked away from. Even though there was a time I tried too.

When I married BS I took his name. I invested all of who I was, into being his wife, and he was my world. Then he left. I said I was keeping the name for the girls but honestly I kept it because I prayed he would come home. I couldn't imagine my life without him because I had no idea who was I without him.

Then I decided it was time to grow up and stand on my own. We were a girl Sanders family. I took his Mom's advice and just took care of me and mine. We learned alot about ourselves during those years. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Then I met Ryan, we got married, we moved and life changed once again. At the time I said I was keeping Sanders for the girls, and this is a large factor in my choice. But also, because that is who I am. I am a Sanders. Just like his Mom is. She isn't a Sanders because of his Dad, She is Sanders because she was strong and determined and independent. And that is what Sanders women are. This is what I will tell my girls. A boy does not make you who you are. Ever. Period. End of story.

People have said for years that I should move on. Hello...have I not gotten remarried and moved to Waco and had a baby? Is this not "moving on"? As far as being Sanders goes and not changing my email or blog, who wants to mess with that. Really? Who changes personal info for fun? The name is not what causes the hurt. Getting rid of it will not prevent the pain. I can not change the fact that I see him (them) every other weekend. I see someone else living the life I dreamed about, with my children! I do not have the option to forget about it and move on. So please, for the LOVE OF GOD, stop trying to pretend nothing ever happened. She doesn't see her ex every other weekend. He has purged any and all "happy" memories with me from his mind. It may be easy for all of you to forget, you may pray that I would...but I never will. I remember being happily married. I remember asking him to spend time with us and that he'd rather spend his free afternoons at the Chicken with her. I remember all of it. I will never forget that my life was ripped apart and my heart was shredded to pieces because they dangle them in front of me EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. Technically more often than that even now that we are *trying* for the girls to have a a better relationship and they text/call/write as often as they please. I allow it..but it hurts like hell! And I do not have the option to say no. Because if I do...she will just do it more. Because she hates me and he has no feelings.

I wish people could feel what I feel for one day. I wish somebody understood. I wish people would stop judging me and trying to make me feel like a bad parent because as much as I sacrifice for my children I cannot stop feeling.

I am their Mom, I don't just feel my pain, I feel theirs. I know what would "fix" my "broken" daughters. It is not another Mommy. They have a Mommy who would (and did) give up pretty much everything to try and make everything ok for the people she loves. What they need, is for their world never to have been ripped apart. But that simply isn't an option now is it.