Request

I don't want to talk to any of you, I can't.

I know it could be worse.

I know it will work out...and this will somehow fulfill his plan for my life.

I know I deserve better.

I know I did exactly what I needed to do.

But it still hurts like hell.

No, I don't know what it feels like to lose a child. I don't know what it is like to have cancer. I don't know what death feels like. I didn't lose and arm or a leg. I don't have a spouse going to Iraq...but this is slowly killing me. To love someone and have them walk away the first time was bad enough...and to have to go thru it again is absolute torture.

God you want me, you have me. Miserable mess that I am. They only see me as incomplete and negative. You say I am complete in you...so how come I feel empty?

I am angry. I allowed outside influences to determine the path I followed. I love you guys...but I will never do anything right enough for you. The only way to please any of you is to be miserable. So you should all be ecstatic right now.

God you wanted me to be broken. I am ruined. Please transform me into your creation. Something beautiful. Something priceless. Help me to find joy in myself. Help me find fulfillment in myself. If the point of having a man is to learn to depend on them and love them with all that you have only to be abandoned...I'm out.