Among my list of things to change this year was my attitude. The update on that is hard as there is alot going on. Much of which I can't really talk about on here. Which starts me down a dark path.
I miss my friends. I miss feeling cared about and wanted. I may very well be at my most lonely state yet. According ot many, yes, I am depressed. But I don't believe in medicating unless absolutely necessary. And I don't believe in medicating myself to appease others. It has to be a decision based solely and selfishly on my needs. And I don't need medicine to function...I need people to love me.
I am angry. The lessons I though I was supposed to learn from the last 5 years are only causing more pain. Open up and trust someone...then let them burn you down. And this last one has me questioning every choice I've made in the past 5 years. When crap happened before I had the unfailing faith that it would be ok. I stood stronger and taller than I ever had before. I was so proud of myself. It was hard, but I did it. And now...I just shake my head and wonder WTH!?
I've been told to take control, to take care of me, to make myself happy Because I can't make anyone else happy unless I'm happy. So I'm doing that and getting crap from pretty much every angle. I'm so over it. People can love me for who I am...or leave. And I guess thats exactly whats going on. Doesn't make it suck any less though.
I'm really trying to find a way to be happy about this...to take ownership of my choices (good or bad) and learn from it and move one. But realizing that you've made a huge mistake and damaged relationships...is tough stuff. Even tougher when people choose not to forgive you.
I'm writing hoping something will make sense out of this, but its not. Its only making everything worse. I'm done for now. I'll try again later.
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