Today I stumbled. It happens from time to time. As I live my own life and claim my own happiness, I struggle from time to time. Today, despite the lovely weather and time with friends, the amazing light show...I felt the anger welling up.
My girl is discovering herself. Her thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, priorities, in short she is growing up and its a wicked process. But it's even more wicked when you are pulled between parents, one trying to help you, lift you up and guide you to make your own choices and the other, trying to squelch your independence and manipulate you. Last Thursday, Abigail woke up running 102.5, therefore she did not go to school. So when her Dad got her he fussed at her and tried to scare her by telling her that she was going to get held back. Then when she told him she wanted to go to the end of the year awards, meaning she was not going to skip the last few days of school...He tells her that she has to because Pony Camp starts at 6am on the 31st.
So which is it? It is Ok to miss school if Dad says...but not if she is sick or her baby brother is having surgery?!
Oh, that's right...I forgot he is God and the world revolves around his schedule.
She was in SUCH a funky mood, Nights like this difficult doesn't even begin to describe, and the feelings I have at the moment are not kind. He is controlling her like he used to control me. He used my love for him to manipulate my choices then trashed me to anyone who would listen. Whats the point of speaking up when you are never heard? Eventually you learn to stop wasting your breath. She had prepped all week to talk to him and her step-mom about being home schooled, but didn't because "it doesn't matter, he is never going to listen. It's not worth it". Those words broke my heart. To hear my daughter give up on something that was important to her (wanting to excel in life, because at 10 she feels she is capable of more) because He is breaking her spirit.
Stop.
I hold her as she cries, I tell her its Ok. I tell her to be respectful and not call him names. I tell her he doesn't mean to hurt her heart...he just doesn't know better. I tell her I will fight for her, if it is truly what she wants. I tell her she has to tell him how he hurts her, because I can't. She doesn't understand why I say I will fight for her in regards to homeschooling, but I can't fight and tell him she isn't coming because she is angry with him. Angry for not listening, angry for calling her names, angry for not spending time with her. So much anger in my sweet girl and she hides it all weekend then unloads on her sister, Ryan and I. Oh the injustices of life. We are all still paying the price for their choice.
Redirect.
This morning we are better, only slightly, but thats ok. We will swim tonight and I will share with my daughter how to take all that energy and use it for good. Redirect it to the water and push it out. Get rid of all the negative feelings and be renewed. Their Dad loves them and she is only trying to earn their affections.
I am blessed. I don't have to work that hard. I am their safe place. As much as that hurts, as hard as it is..there is no job, place, person I'd rather be. Being Abigail and Amelia (and Axel's) Mom is the most important thing I have done, or will ever do.
And that is that...at least until I find the other words to express the feelings in my heart.
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